Imagine the sign... "Coaching from the sidelines. Not allowed."

I borrowed this image from this website because I think it fits perfectly with what we are discussing today. Whether your child is a toddler or teen, these are a few things to remember when moving through the sports' season.I recently wrote a post about allowing teachers to have authority with our kid’s path and simply be led by them. When our kids play sports, the same holds true for the coach. Simply allow yourself to be led by them (and encourage your child to be led by them!). And here’s why.

Youth coaches do NOT make enough money

Adults who sign up to be coaches typically do not get paid enough for the value they hold with our youth. In many instances in fact, the coaches are volunteers. Although I know that, I often do not remember that they are giving up so much of their time for my kids. I can imagine some days those volunteer coaches go home thinking..."why did I sign up for this?" I also know that I have heard coaches say the worst part of coaching isn't the kids - it's the parents.  I know we can change that by using our words for good - on the field, off the field, and in discussions with those around us.

Having “ coaches” on both sides of the playing field is confusing

There is no denying that our kids want to please us. They want us to be proud of them. So when we are shouting things at them from the other side of the field that they should or should not be doing, it puts them in the middle. Literally and figuratively. They want to please us, but they also know they need to listen to their coach. So if we are not going to commit to being the coach on the other side of the field, keep the comments on the sideline to strictly be encouraging. If you want to talk with your kid about their performance after the game, that might be the right time to do that. But in the heat of the moment when they are already under pressure In the game to perform well, that may not be the time to send messages to them. Encourage them to listen to their coach and just cheer them on!

Being a true teammate

Just a couple of days ago, I shared that one of the benefits of youth sports is being a part of a team. Within that same idea, being a good teammate means following what the coach says (not what your parent says!). I remember being on a team growing up and having good friends whose parents were really energized by our games. But I also remember talking with my teammates about how hard it was for them to try to figure out who they should really be listening to. Being a teammate means going along with the team mentality. This may not be the same as what you hoped the mentality might be, but to support that coach it is imperative that we go along and support it. Again, if you have bigger concerns about the coach, it may be appropriate for you to schedule a meeting with him/her. But bad-mouthing the coach will only undermine the hard work that coach has put in and upset your child. If you are struggling to get along with a particular coach, I might encourage you to consider if the roles were switched. If you had put in hours and hours of time for the team and had a parent share concerns like you’re sharing. We may never know how much work goes on behind the scenes for coaches and what they put into the activity. Perhaps giving the benefit of the doubt in the situation is a good idea.

Key reminders

• Be overly grateful for our youth-sports coaches. They really are giving your child an invaluable experience. Even if they are the worst coach on the planet, they are the reason your child is able to participate in that event. See if you can search for anything positive to focus on.
• Be led and simply enjoy watching your kid play (or sit the bench with his/her friends!). I’m going to address playing time in the upcoming weeks, so standby for that. In the meantime, the whole point of youth sports is for us as parents to simply enjoy watching our kids doing things that they otherwise wouldn’t normally be doing. Sometimes you could just let it be that.
• Teach and praise being a good teammate. I’m not sure I can over emphasize the value of being a good teammate. I still have conversations with college students about the value of learning how to work together in a group. It is simply an invaluable skill. When you notice your child is doing something that makes him or her a good teammate, praise them and tell them how much that means to you. Take a minute to point out that you noticed how much they were cheering for their friends. Make a special comment about how he passed the ball to the one kid who doesn’t get it very often. All of those things matter way more than winning.

#makewordsmatterforgood

Intro to youth sports and youth activities

There are so many benefits to youth sports (or extracurricular activities - like band, music, or art). Some parents choose to put their kids in sports as early as 3 or 4. Others may choose to wait until 6 or 7 when the child has gotten into the swing of school. Either way, I encourage parents to get kids involved in some activity when the timing feels right for their child. Beyond the benefit of physical activity, here are a few other pros to having kids in youth sports.

Learning to be part of a team

Being a part of a team gives them much-needed exposure to concepts like working together well, and seeing that things are bigger than themselves. For example, in group sports, the team can’t win unless all the players are working together. Even if one player is playing excellently, the entire team needs to play well together for the win. 

Expanding their social network

Youth activities give kids a chance to become friends with people who have similar interests, but maybe aren’t in proximity to them normally. In other words, kids from different schools can become friends at a youth activity even if they don’t see each other throughout the week at school. This can be especially helpful for kids who maybe don’t have as many close friends at their school, or who are new to the school. 

Growing with a new adult in charge

It is a great experience for your child to be under the influence of another grown-up. This helps them to generalize their listening skills to other people - outside of you and their teachers. Encourage them to be respectful by talking with them ahead of time about your expectations for them when someone else is in charge. Share your family values with your child as you are driving to the first practice so they know how and why to behave.

Tips for youth activities

1. Start with something that is a short season and inexpensive.  As you are just getting started, try to find a sport or activity that is a short season that doesn’t cost too much. This will minimize the likelihood that you will quit early - or get frustrated because your kid wants to quit early (if you don’t pay too much, you won’t be as upset if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to!)
2. Have low expectations. I know this sounds weird, but if we have low expectations, we are more likely to be pleased at the end. Don’t go into the first couple of experiences with the expectation that your child is going to LOVE it or be amazing at it. That’s okay! If you go into it knowing it may just be a luke-warm response from your child, you are less likely to be disappointed. 
3. Remember what the whole point is. The point for youth activities is to give them something to do, learn to be a part of a time, expand their social network and follow instructions from another adult. If they are running around or staring at the wall for most of the game - that’s okay. If they are having fun, that’s the best part. 

 #makewordsmatterforgood

October is ALL about youth sports!

Hey all! This month, I will be covering topics related to youth sports (and youth activities). Tune in for all kinds of great info this month![embed]https://vimeo.com/362621079[/embed]PS I know I can change the front image for my videos, but I think it is hilarious to see all the many faces I make :)

A final reflection on change and growth

[embed]https://vimeo.com/362621021[/embed]How do YOU model growth? Comment on Facebook or below!#makewordsmatterforgood

Expectations at school and homework

This is basically the face I have when it is time for homework. It’s either that one kid has assured me they have “no homework” (and I hesitantly believe them)... or… this is the 5th grade math figuring-it-out-face.  Don’t judge. I was awesome at math. 25 years ago!Homework is a necessary part of the home-school connection. Yes. I realize there are many different opinions about homework. Some believe it is unnecessary. That kids should learn what they need to learn at school. I get that. But y’all, can I tell you about the list of things teachers have to do to get our kids to be well-meaning grownups that have nothing to do with academics?? All of the teaching required that has nothing to do with reading or math. It’s a lot. Like A.LOT. I’ve been in classrooms - from preschool to high school. And no matter the age - your kid’s teachers are working hard on getting them to be kind. To follow instructions. To interact socially. To wait. And the list goes on...So I actually appreciate homework. It helps me stay connected to what the kids are doing. It gives me some time to work closely with them on something. It allows me to be helpful to them in ways other than cooking and driving them around. (Note: my kids do not have hours of homework each night. Maybe 30 minutes or so…). The other thing it allows me to do is to share with them my value of education and working hard to be better. 

Tips to remember

If you are struggling to get into the swing of homework, here are a few tips. 

1.  I would encourage you to set a visual schedule of your child’s homework tasks. Have him/her help you create the order in which homework gets completed. Write them on a dry erase board or piece of paper to check off once it is completed.
2. ALWAYS include a snack during homework time. Especially if it is right after school. Remember, most of our kids each lunch really early in the day. And nobody does homework well when they are hangry. 
3. You could also include things like a brain break activity like charades, or I-Spy for a few minutes to increase the fun and decrease the stress. 

One final note: projects 

Keep in mind that projects can be really hard for our kids. Even quite mature kids can struggle to keep themselves organized during a multi-week-long project. I encourage parents to frequently ask about any projects that kids have going on. Often, kids think they are doing okay and then don’t tell parents about a project until the very last minute. (You can imagine how that goes!). So if you know ahead of time to ask about projects, it will probably save a lot of headaches in the end. If your child has difficulty with this, talk to his/her teacher about projects at the outset of the quarter. See if the teacher will give you a list of projects that you can prepare for in advance. Although your child may say he/she doesn’t need help, they almost never turn it down when they are up against a deadline. Don’t do it for them...but be there to support them and encourage them.#makewordsmatterforgood

Growing with grandparents

We all love grandparents.

They come visit.   They help out when we need a break.   They share their wisdom and guidance. That being said, I have also heard from clients about the not-so-good of grandparents being around. For instance, when grandparents “take over” and shift the rules and expectations. Or give advice in such a way that it feels like we’re doing it wrong. In this season of growth and change, and as grandparents stretch us as parents - and stretch our kids with new expectations, might I encourage you with this message: 

Your parents are not YOUR kid’s parents. And...guess who knows that?? YOUR kid. 

That’s right. No manner of grandparenting or over-grandparenting will convince your child that you stopped being their mom or dad. They know the difference. They KNOW you are their parent. They love you for it. AND they love their grandparents, too. There is enough love for everyone from your kids. They have love overflowing from them!If you are in a season of struggling with the growth from your child’s grandparents, I want to encourage you to let your kids love them and love you. Allow grandparents to OVERlove your child. Who couldn’t use more love??  NOTE: if you are in a struggle about overindulgence...that’s okay, too. You can definitely have a conversation about needs/wants/excess with your kids without needing to block grandparents. Just sit down with them to talk about your family values. This may include teaching about gratitude and humility. That we want to accept gifts from grandma and grandpa, but those gifts aren’t always things they will receive from us. Allowing our kids to be loved by (and have deep, meaningful connections with) Grandparents is hugely important. If you don’t live nearby to your parents - visit. If you don’t have a great relationship with your parents, find a surrogate family who you build relationship with. You kids need relationships with elders who teach them from a different generation. Your parents represent your childhood. Your heritage.  Your kids learn about you as they see you with their grandparents. Give them this gift. Often and joyfully.#makewordsmatterforgoodP.S. - Love you Mom and Dad, Grandma Billie, Grandma Sonia and Papa! You are GREAT grandparents to my babies! 

Divorce (pt 2)

We recently discussed the importance of letting go of resentment and engaging in forgiveness with divorce. Here, we will explore more ways to engage in healthy relationships with our ex-partner. The key here is to engage, not just tolerate. If you find yourself in a place of just tolerating your ex (which I hear a lot from parents), this is a post just for you!A few days ago, I was reading a quote about marriage that deeply resonated with me."Marriage is a promise of companionship and provision for the spiritual, emotional, and physical needs of two people (Meyer, 2006)."I encourage you to pause for a moment. Consider that quote about marriage. And it caused me to pause because I believe the same is true for parenthood. Being a parents is also about companionship and providing for the needs of our kids.  So even though the marriage is dissolved in divorce, our commitment to providing for our kids still remains.To do that, I believe that even in divorce situations, we need to follow that same commitment to our ex-spouse. It may just look different than the marriage originally did.The truth is: our kids need to see that we are modeling companionship and provision for their other parent (your ex). It certainly doesn't mean we are the only provider of their spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. We are not longer married, so that makes sense. However, trust me when I say, I have listened to child after child speak about how much they wished "mommy would still care about daddy" or vice versa.  We can still show we care by helping with that provision.As you engage with your ex-spouse, consider kindness over just tolerance. Even if it isn't reciprocated all the time, your choice of kindness will be seen and known by your kids. I know it will not be easy, but as you continue to model positive attributes, it will undoubtedly pay off in your kids!#makewordsmatterforgood

Photo by Bedbible

Divorce (pt 1)

I have been planning a blog on divorce for several weeks because of the many, many clinical experiences I have had with kids of divorced parents - and working with divorced parents as well. As I have expanded this here, I want to address the issue of divorce through the lens of a child, but also conflict between parents - divorced, married or otherwise - and the impact on kids. Hopefully this will reach someone who needs to know this information!For part one of this two-part divorce posts (the second to be posted in a couple of days), I wanted to talk about resentment and forgiveness. I have lived my fair share of parental conflicts and have seen time and again the problems that kids experience because of parental resentment and lack of forgiveness. 

Let’s talk about resentment.

According to the google dictionary, resentment is “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”. Ugh. That sounds nasty!  And many of us would like to believe we have never held resentment toward anyone. But what I find in my clinical practice is that we allow little things to build - tiny, everyday things - that then lead to resentment. Let me share an example.I had a *client many years ago whose parents were often in arguments about what my client (their 13-year-old son) perceived as “small things.” He would share how they would fight about who had to pick him up from practice or pay for his athletic gear. He said they wouldn’t be big blow-out fights (although they had those too), but just passive aggressive comments like, “Oh it’s fine...I’ll take care of it...again! Just like I always do. Because I’m the only one who cares about what is best for OUR SON.” Comments like these, in our frustration with our spouse, are noted and remembered by our kids. They can sense our irritation. They see our eyes rolling. They feel the bitterness.  Instead, we need to model conflict resolution and emotional expression. Even if it doesn’t work all of the time (in other words, even if we don’t get the result we want from our partner), it is still important for them to see we have tried. So in this instance, it would be fair to disagree, and even argue, in front of the son. Instead, we need to share how we are feeling and provide a strategy for a solution, rather than just being passive aggressive.  For instance, “UGH. I am so irritated right now. If feels like you are continuing to make this just MY responsibility, when it is OURS to carry together. Can you please help me by ordering his jersey, while I contact the coach about pickup?” Again - this may not work every time. But if we are continuing to stay clear in our communication, it is likely to plant seeds over time in your child.

Resentment, left unaddressed, can lead to contempt

The most well-known couples researcher, Dr. John Gottman, has published over and over and over about the four key things that healthy couples do (and don’t do). He has also shared the most predictive factors in couples ending in divorce - see here for more info. One of those four factors is contempt.  Contempt is deadly in relationships because it sets an aura that one of us is better than the other and it blinds us from the many facets of our partner that are positive. If we allow resentment to grow, and it turns into contempt, we are in big trouble! And so are our kids. 

Forgiveness is key

Forgiveness is a huge part of any relationship, but especially in the parental relationship because WE ARE THE MODEL of all future relationships for our kids. Let me say that again (I say this A LOT to parents!) - WE are the model of relationships for our kids. Think about that. And then think about raising kids who have never been modeled how to forgive another person. For our kids, we have to model forgiveness. They have to hear from us “I forgive you” - a lot! They apologize a lot and we should be using the words “I forgive you” a lot. 

What if forgiveness is hard?

But what about when we are so badly hurt by our partner that it doesn’t feel like we WANT to forgive them??  I get that. I don’t know exactly what that feels like. But I have heard this statement from one parent about another parent many times before. “But Beth, I don’t WANT him to think it is okay. I can’t forgive him. Then my kids will think it is okay.” Let me first say to the mom or dad, man or woman who feels this way. I see you. I honor that hurt. What happened was not okay. AND forgiveness does NOT mean you are saying that it is okay. Instead, forgiveness is saying - I will not allow the hurt to keep me silent (or down, or afraid, or whatever goes in that blank for you) any longer. Forgiveness is releasing the negative feelings toward that person for your own betterment. It is standing up after being knocked down. And saying, I won’t be held back anymore.  Now - think about being able to model THAT for your kids?!? Doesn’t that sound amazing?  

So how do we do that?

One of my favorite books on divorce is written by Judge Michele Lowrance called The Good Karma Divorce.  The reason I love this book is because it has practical strategies for moving toward healing. She encourages readers to write, reflect, share with others, etc. For anyone going through a divorce - or having ANY tiny moments of resentment from a previous divorce, I think the book is a great investment!Beyond the book, I encourage many parents to seek a pastor or counselor to walk them through the negative feelings associated with divorce. This allows space to share openly, but also to figure out exactly how to model new feelings for your child. Remember, the biggest part is to realize our kids are watching. So with each piece of resentment we move forward from and each aspect of forgiveness we allow, our kids will see the weight of that transformation in us. As always, encourage and allow the space for discussion about resentment and forgiveness with your kids. Share your struggle and your journey with them (as appropriate!).  *Note: demographic variables and details have been altered to maintain confidentiality.

Supporting them as loss happens

We all experience loss. And we all respond to loss differently. For our kids, they may not have as much experience with loss and so they may need help in knowing how to respond.  You may think your child may not have experienced loss to this point. Before you quit on me, stick with this post – your child has experienced loss, even if just a small loss. And those small losses can be just as powerful in teaching our kids about the world they live in.

Consider loss along a continuum. 

Loss is best thought of along a continuum of: big losses and small losses.  Small losses -------------------------------------------------------------  Big losses It is also important to remember that categorizing loss (into a big loss or a small loss) will be different for different kids. Take a moment to think about what your child would consider a small loss or a big loss.  In the same idea, there are many different types of losses. Friends moving on, broken toys, sports or games, poor academic performance, moving to a new house, divorce, birth of a sibling, remarriage of family member, or countless other things. So our job is to help them understand and emotionally respond to loss, which will be a pre-cursor to understanding and responding to death.  When loss occurs - allow them the space to talk about how they feel about the loss. Share your feelings about a similar loss when you were growing up. Remember that their response to loss isn’t right or wrong. And neither is yours. Similarly, their reaction is very likely to be WAY different from what you THINK they should be doing. In other words, they may be much more sad about a loss than you believe they should be. That’s okay. But by allowing them to experience the emotional reaction to loss, we can open the door to conversation about other (bigger) losses and death in the future. Just like loss, I encourage you to consider death along a continuum as well.  Not important ------------------------------------------------------------- More important Their way of experiencing death may not be (and probably won’t be) along the same timeline as it is for us.           - developmentally it takes time - sometimes shorter, sometimes longer           - various “events” may be triggers for the loss Beyond just the death of someone they know, please don’t forget about the intangible impact of loss or grief (i.e., loss of trust, safety/security, control, stability, or support.). In fact, most kids I have worked with would say this is the hardest part of death/loss - because it is harder to articulate to those around you.  

So what do kids need?

• They need us to listen. NOT for us to fix it. 
• They need us to experience loss well too. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to experience loss well. 
• They need connection and encouragement. Devote just a little more time to your child during this transition. Use more encouraging words. Know they may need a little more boost in their spirit for the next days, weeks, and months.

Helpful Tips to keep in mind

1. Listen. Listen. Listen. And Listen some more. 
2. Fight the urge to fix it or “make them feel better.” It is better to honor their emotions and sit with them in it than to “fix it” and make them feel like their emotions are unwarranted.
3. Manage your own emotions and feelings. Be honest (but not overwhelming) in sharing your own feelings. Model appropriate grieving. 
4. Practice saying what you want to say. Seriously. Take a moment to think through and practice what you want to say to help your child feel better. I think we often forget the impact that we can have when we practice and become more intentional.
5. Include your family’s spiritual beliefs. Admit that you don’t know for sure (if you feel that way). 
6. Prepare them for the services and give them a task if they want it.
7. Honor the loss in some way. Something tangible is most advisable because this gives them something to hold, look at, etc. So maybe a picture, a letter, a drawing.
8. They will be “okay” when YOU are “okay.” - Get to being “okay” through routines, but don’t act like nothing happened.
9. Use books and movies as places to start. Create “sacred” time for connection and attachment to increase support and encouragement.
10. Spend 10 more minutes a day fully attending to them. This doesn’t have to be talking about what happened necessarily, but just more tuned in to what your child is doing during this time.

 What can you do today to help with loss??#makewordsmatterforgood

Be led. Allow failure.

One of my favorite books is The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey. The message of allowing our kids to fail is one that I know I don’t do enough. I don’t want them to be sad or upset. I don’t want them to feel bad. But all of my saving only keeps them from learning from their failures. I’m serious. I read that book and thought… “I need a major adjustment to my parenting!”  

Be Led. A time for growth.

Similarly, a few months ago, I was reading a devotional and I came to a part that said, Be Led. Two little words that stopped me in my tracks. The words jumped out at me like a neon flashing light. They might as well have said, “HEY BETH. THIS MESSAGE IS FOR YOU... Be led.”  If I’m being honest, I’m not great at being led. I like a certain amount of control. It helps decrease my anxiety. Let me give you an example. I am a terrible back-seat driver. Especially with my husband. (Sorry, honey!). I can get anxious about certain driving strategies (like continuing to accelerate on the interstate when the car in front of you has lit up break lights). And when driving around town, I believe that I have the fastest route through town. Although there are probably infinite ways that a person could drive from our home to the other side of town, I believe MINE is the best. :) So. When my husband takes a different path, I say something (unhelpful) like, “Why are you going this way?”  His response, “Because I want to do this way.” -- OBVIOUSLY. In my mind, I am then reminded that it honestly isn’t any faster or better to go my way.  It really doesn’t matter the path we go. All that matters is that we arrive. My need to control doesn’t actually make the outcome better. (Yes. I know. I am still a work in progress!) Now. Let’s take that lesson to our kids! How can we BE LED - let go of control - and trust others to help us (and our kids) grow?

Trust our teachers. Be led. Allow others to grow our kids.

Every teacher who has ever stepped foot in a classroom has had some level of training on how to be a teacher. Yes. Some will have much more experience than others. And certainly some teachers are more passionate than others. But for the most part, we could probably say most teachers have more training on teaching than we do. As parents, our job is to trust our teachers and allow the space to be led by them. Give them a few days or weeks or months to get to know your child and what he/she needs. Beyond that, can I encourage us all to entertain the idea that they might have a different path than you are thinking about. And, much like my example above, remember that there are many paths to a certain destination. So if your child’s teacher has a lesson or homework assignment that you may not understand the purpose of, give it a day or two to see if their path might have been better than your idea. 

Allow your teen to fail. Be led. Allow growth for us - and your teen!

I may not make friends with this next section. Encouraging our teens to lead us might sound like the most ridiculous thing to you. That’s okay. Sometimes the things I think about sound ridiculous to me, too! That being said, I have seen many times how teens build confidence as we give them the lead. If your teen has something they want to do, allow them to lead - even if you perceive failure on the horizon! It can be a hard thing to allow, but you will also be surprised at how interesting your teen’s reaction is when you allow the space for this to happen. 

Tried your hand at being led by your child’s teacher? Or your teen?? SHARE WITH US! How did it go?

#makewordsmatterforgoodPhoto by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Promoting growth with friends

Friends grow and change as our kids grow and change. Within each stage of development, we can help promote friendships based on what are the biggest issues during that stage of life.

Preschool friends

Our preschoolers need friends so they can learn to share, communicate, and self-regulate. Preschoolers have to overcome separation from parents and learn to rely on peers and other adults to meet their needs. When they are in preschool, our kids need us to encourage sharing, kindness, and communication. Practice playing games at home that require them to share. Give them a script for what they can say to a friend that would be kind. Have them practice communicating that with you several times. Keep in mind that sharing is a hard skill for some of our kiddos. They may seem territorial with their toys. That’s okay. That’s normal. We can support growth by encouraging them to share little by little. Then praise them for sharing when they do to reinforce that in the future!

School-aged kids

Many elementary-aged kids spend a lot of time focusing on the rules, setting rules, and fairness. I often talk with friends about my son (who is 10) as the “fairness police.” He gets really frustrated when things do not seem “fair” to him. Although this is a developmentally appropriate thing - it can be a hard conversation to have over and over. If your child is around this age and constantly complains about things “not being fair”, that’s normal. To help them connect better with friends, you can empathize with their perception of things not feeling fair. “I know it doesn’t seem fair to you. What do you think needs to happen differently?”  In general, I try to draw out how they are feeling, even if it seems irrational to me. On the other hand, I have also had moments with clients and my own kids when I have just said, “I know it doesn’t seem fair to you, but if it were your way, it wouldn’t feel fair to him. So you have to accept that or walk away and do something else.” I would encourage us NOT to say things like… “Life’s not fair.” or “There are starving children in other places.” Those statements are simply not helpful at teaching your child in that moment. Instead, if you want to truly teach about poverty or fairness, find a great book at the library to work through.The other thing with friendships in elementary school is the transiency of friends. Lots of kids move during elementary school. So your child may have three best friends who all move away in 3rd grade. Realize that kids are resilient, but that there are a lot of changes in friendships during this stage. We can help foster friendships by encouraging continued kindness and socialization with many kids in their classroom. You may check in periodically about any changes - perhaps every other week. “Do you have any new friends this week?” or “Have you been playing with anyone new this week?”  I just asked my son the other day who he had been playing with and he said, “He’s a new kid in our class, mom.” (Like...duh, Mom!). I had no idea! Then we had a good conversation about the “new kid” and how he was trying to help him fit in.  

Teens and the drama (and “romance”)

Teenagers. Oh teenagers. I love working with teenagers!  When I was in graduate school, I remember a conversation I had with one of my faculty mentors and he was getting to know me and my goals. He asked which age group I wanted to work with. And I said, “Middle schoolers.” He made this painful, horrified face and immediately said, “Why on earth would you want to do that?!?” Some of you parents of teens might share his sentiment. :)Friendships during our teenagers’ years can be filled with ups and downs. As our teens are figuring out how to manage the new flood of hormones, their bodies are internally making huge changes that we can’t see. All we get to see is the outward expression of that internal growth spike. This “outward expression” may come off as a bad attitude, crying, screaming, disrespect, or aggression. Our teens may be crushed by a small comment from a friend. They may have a seemingly overreaction to a friend’s comment on social media. All of this goes along with their hormonal growth and their continued efforts to learn how to manage their new emotions.To support friends, we need to stay involved. They may not want us to hang around or be included, but we have to stay connected so we know what’s going on when they start clamming up! Talk to your kid’s friends. Read what they are reading. Check out movies and YouTubers that they are into. Build your “street cred” so they will open up around you. By being relatable to your teen (and their friends), you are more likely to keep lines of communication open (both with your teen and their friends!). 

When three is a crowd.

All of us have been situations where there are three people and inevitably one person gets left out. It can be really hard to know how to respond when our kids feel rejected or left out. The first thing to remember is that we need to listen and have empathy for their feelings. None of us like rejection and our kids are still working through how to manage it. The second thing is to try to get them to be able to manage the friendship themselves. So teaching them words to use to stand up for themselves when they feel left out. “Hmmm. That sounds like it was a hard thing. What do you think you should have said?” or “I remember I felt left out when I was a kid sometimes, too. What happened next?” or “What do you wish happened differently?” 

What do you notice about your kids’ friendships?? Please share!

#makewordsmatterforgood

Change and growth!

Remaining steady in a world that is constantly changing, while promoting and modeling growth.

This month will be a series on change and  growth. Now that kids are back into school and we are back into the routine of the school year, it is a good time to consider these topics of change and growth. Our kids are in a never-ending cycle of change and being pushed to grow. It sometimes baffles me when I think about how much change we push them toward. Like really think about it. Everyday in school, they are challenged to learn brand new things. Or adjust their thinking of current things. And then they come home and we continue to shape them and correct them for all sorts of other things. (Even if it feels like we are correcting the same thing over and over!!).With this in mind, I often talk with families in my practice about trying to maintain routines and traditions to balance all of the change. And not just any routines, but those that follow your values and parenting philosophy.  This is a critical part of developing inner consistency within your family that builds the foundation that keeps them rooted in a world of chaos. So this month, we will be exploring the many changes that happen for many families. My hope with these pieces is that they will resonate with you either now or in the future.  This month we will cover change and growth in your (and your child’s) life in the following ways:

• Friends
• Teachers
• Death and loss
• Divorce (part 1)
• Divorce (part 2)
• Grandparents
• Expectations at school and homework

Tune in to learn some practical ways to help your kids with loss and change this month!Photo by Felix Mittermeier from Pexels

Gratitude is….Discipline in the good moments too

Our final gratitude practice is about remembering we get to teach in the good moments too. In my work with clients and families, I often need to remind myself that discipline is really about teaching. The word “discipline” means “to train.”  And boy do I do my share of “training”. It feels like everyday is a near constant circle of instructions, checking, providing, talking, and explaining. Sometimes yelling. Often breathing (#wordoftheyear). :) 

The beauty in the down time

But recently I was reminded of how beautiful those “other” moments with our kids can be. Beyond the yelling and correcting for misbehavior. Into the moments of down time when the kids are settled into something and not getting into anything they shouldn’t be into! (If you are still in the toddler years where it seems like there isn’t a moment to breathe -- hold tight! You moment will come when you have some time to breathe and speak into other moments!)These are the moments to lean into the things we want them to truly know. Perhaps it may be sharing a story from your own childhood. Maybe it is a discussion about some hot topic or hard topic. Or maybe it is sharing about something you love deeply within their identity. 

Create the short list of NEEDS for this season

I encourage all of us to create a short list of things we NEED our child to know in this season. Perhaps it is sharing about grandpa’s illness. Maybe about how you see them stepping into a leadership role on their basketball team. Whatever it might be...write down what you need them to know and then seek the moments to share little bits of it. It doesn’t have to be a long, “sit down” conversation. Just little bits at a time when you have those moments.  

Small steps, small moments, big impact!

Also remember, this is just one season. We will have lots more seasons with them to share other things we need them to know. Don’t get stressed or overly complicated. Just take small steps in small moments.#makewordsmatterforgood 

Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in others

Related to the previous post about seeing the best in our kids, today’s practice is about seeing the best in others. You know, that one teacher who seems to pick on your child unnecessarily? Yep. Seeing the best in her. Or how about that cashier at the store who just yelled at your child for spinning by the chicken display? Yep. Her too. Or the family member who seems to know what’s best for your child ALL.THE.TIME? Yes. Even him. This practice of being grateful for those who make us crazy is certainly not my strongest character quality. In fact, I have to literally bite my tongue in certain conversations. And in particular when it is something my kid is sharing with me about that person. 

Gratitude for the growth

I have included this in our gratitude practice this month to show that we all have people in our lives who we connect more easily with. But it is the folks who we maybe don’t connect as easily with that allow us the most growth. How can I find what is good in even the hardest of places? Because if I can do that and genuinely share what about that person I am grateful for (to my kids!), then I am modeling a great skill for them to use later.

Maybe we aren’t getting the best of them

The other part of this that I know is important is to realize that I may not be getting the best of that person. You know how sometimes you have an “off” day and then snap unnecessarily at someone? Or how something is just bothering you and then you say something way more negative than you really mean? 

Pause for the option of forgiveness and grace

I am reminded today that sometimes that might be what we get from the people who make us crazy. What if we caught them at just that moment? I would want forgiveness from others if they saw that part of me. And I am sharing this to hold myself accountable to that same forgiveness.Seeing the best in others means I have to pause to get beyond my initial reaction/judgment of them. Push beyond the annoyance to see their gifts. Then, I will choose to see those gifts and call them out - rather than the annoyances that may be just a glimmer of who that person really is.

For every teacher, coach, mentor, family member, friend, pastor, community member. Find their good and let’s share gratitude with our kids about it!

 #makewordsmatterforgoodPhoto by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in your kids

How y’all feeling?? How is the gratitude practice coming along?  I know I get distracted ALL THE TIME and so I am trying to be more intentional this month...but even with that, I need reminded! :)  Feel free to drop me a line to remind me or stop me in the store if you see me! HA! I especially need that reminder in the store…Today, I am reflecting on a constant struggle for me. How to fairly answer the most common question I get as a mother …. “How are the kids?”

How are the kids?

I know it is the human tendency to focus on those things that bother me the most. The way my kids are challenging me at bedtime. The one time my son talked back and then I wanted to poke him in the eye. The time my daughter rolled her eyes at my simple request to take a shower. But I realize after sharing such examples that those instances are the slimmest of snapshots of who my kids are the majority of the time. And beyond that, I don’t want to be sharing the negativity when I have so many things to be thankful for with my kids.I certainly have lots of moments when I vent about irritation. But if I am rooted in gratitude, I can find genuine ways of connecting to others without bragging on and on about my kids.  AND without needing to share just the negative stuff!

What if they shared only the worst of me??

It also occurs to me that if my kids only shared the worst moments of me with everyone we knew…. Oh boy. EEK. So today, my hope is that I will be reminded to see the best in my kids - and share some of that with someone I am close to! #makewordsmatterforgood 

Gratitude is….Loving people more than things

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading a devotional in the early morning hours of stillness and came across a lesson that was so profound for me as a mother and professional. I want to share this lesson with you in the hopes that it could change how you use words with your kids, too!All of us have things that our kids do that cause automatic, negative reactions from us. For me, I have immediate overreactions when my kids do something that I perceive will require more work from me. For instance, when they spill milk all over the floor. I know it will require work from me to make sure they REALLY clean all the milk off of the floor so it doesn’t stink up the house!The irony is that I do not even come close to having a spotless house. And truthfully, some messes do not bother me at all. Drop some cereal on the floor? No problem. Just pick it up. Drop the syrup? Or oil? Or sugar? – those feel like harder things to clean, which I immediately perceive as more work for me. I know this about myself, and continually have to pay attention to my immediate reaction as a result – because either way, it is just an accident. My kid didn’t purposefully spill the milk. So my anger and frustration is valid for me to feel, but not necessarily for me to invoke shame for.But sometimes, my face, my words, and my body language don’t send that same message. My yelling, rolling of the eyes, huge frustrated sigh... all because of an accident! (Now...if they are purposeful in making messes, that is a much different story! What I want to realize are my anger reactions when my kids just had an accident with something.)So this automatic anger behavior in response to an accident is what I have been working to change.As you think about your own life, what are the things that bother you automatically??Back to my early morning lesson. This devotional gave the language to use with our kids that makes it clear to our kids how much they matter to us. The writer shared that when accidents happen (the spilled milk, the spilled cereal, the broken toy, etc.), our job is to send the message that we love our kids more than we love that thing.  So to make words matter for good:

• “I know you spilled the milk, Adrian. I love you more than the milk.”
• “I love you more than that toy.”

This may sound silly to say out loud, but our kids (and their concrete brains) really need to hear this message directly with your words. Trust me, early on, this would have been something I would have rolled my eyes about when a therapist told me this "therapisty" thing to say!  But trust me...this will work wonders in your relationship with your kid!

I would love to hear from you as you try this! What do you notice your child’s response is??

 The take-home message again - When accidents happen, our job is to send the message that we love our kids more than we love that thing.   Photo by Viktoria Goda from Pexels

Gratitude is... Being a gift to others

I have been practicing meditation with my kids and came across this gratitude meditation. I highly recommend it for elementary or middle school-aged kids! It isn’t super long and is a good model of easy, guided meditation.I purposefully didn’t listen to the entire meditation until I was actually doing it with my kids. I wanted to experience it the way they experienced it. (Note: I don’t want to ruin it for you! So if you plan to do this meditation – stop reading here and come back!!)If you don’t plan to do the meditation, I will give you the synopsis. Essentially, the speaker walks you through a visualization of a tree. And on this little tree are a bunch of little pieces of paper that are filled with all of the things we are grateful for. (The visualization walks you through spending a couple of minutes writing things on those papers for your tree.) All of this is beautiful and wonderful. It was the next part that stopped me in my tracks.The speaker challenged us to think about what it would be like to be on someone else’s gratitude tree. WOW. What a great thing to ponder! Not just to be grateful for what’s on our tree, but be so meaningful to someone else that they would put us on their tree. It opened this discussion with my kids that I didn’t anticipate, but am so thankful we had. So how do we help our kids show up on someone else’s tree (and WANT to be on someone else’s tree!)? I am sharing some of what my kids shared and what I have processed about this as well.

Show kindness that becomes a daymaker.

I teach a lot about kindness. I know almost all of us do, too. And this was one of the first things that both of my kids said during our discussion. But as we talked more, it wasn’t just kindness that had certain people on our trees, it was deep kindness. We determined that deep kindness came in one of two ways: continued, consistent kindness & generosity.

• Continued, consistent kindness – when people in our lives are continually and consistently kind, we have safety and predictability in the relationship. We develop a beautiful expectation that they will ALWAYS be kind – which deepens our love and connection with them. My kids said things like, “____ is on my tree because they always say something nice to me.” Or “_____ is on my tree because they always play with me.” When our kindness becomes always, we make someone’s day with our consistent sharing of kindness.
• Generosity – This pathway to our gratitude tree involves generosity that stuns us. Have you had that moment? Where someone does something so nice that you just stop and have that overwhelming feeling? This doesn’t necessarily mean lots of money, but it does mean lots of meaning. Be generous with your thoughtfulness, your listening skills, or your complimentary skills. Trust me, your kids will find all of those equally as important as being generous with money.

Foster relationships that matter.

To be a part of someone else’s gratitude tree, we have to be in relationship with them. They don’t necessarily have to be our best friends, though likely they may be, but we have to at least know them. So as you are helping your child know the value of their gratitude tree, and being on someone else’s tree, talking to them about relationships is a big part of that. With this, I also think about two things: friends and non-friends.

• Kids have a lot of “friends”, but may not necessarily know the true meaning of friendship. Most of our kids have friends by proximity. They are friends with people from their school – because they spend most of their waking moments with them. Or they are friends with people in their neighborhood, or kids on their soccer team. However, although they play with other kids who are proximal to them, fostering true friendship qualities early on is really important. So having discussions with our kids about why they like to spend time with certain people, “I notice you spend a lot of time with Steven. What is it about Steven that you like?” Or talking through ways we identify other friends who have similar interests or values to our family. “I noticed Steven was wearing a soccer shirt. He must like soccer, too.” These conversations can plant the seeds for modeling friendship-seeking later in life.
• Kids also have a lot of non-friends. Depending on your child’s age, non-friends may be kids in the classroom that they simply do not speak as much with daily. Non-friends may also be other kids in the classroom who pick on them or become “frenemies.” For our kids, non-friends are also an important topic for making words matter for good. Talking about the non-friends they don’t “see” gives us an opportunity to challenge our kids to meet “new” people. Challenge your child to play with someone new today. For the frenemies, it may require an open discussion about forgiveness and conflict management. Either way, realizing we can make it on to others’ gratitude trees through relationships is the key.

A couple of things to consider. Whose tree might YOU be on and how did you get there? And what ways can you implement these discussions this week?

#makewordsmatterforgood Photo by gypsyugal from Pexels

Gratitude is... Random acts of kindness

I love this type of gratitude practice. I love being randomly surprised by kindness from others – and I think that is probably a universal feeling. For the last few years, my kids and I have had a random acts of kindness board for the month of December. We love that it leads to one of our favorite holidays and the kids always love to see what the next random act is each day. Some examples of random acts include writing a short note to the principal of their school about how great their teacher is, opening the door for 3 people, giving three compliments, and bringing a candy bar to the janitors at their school. For more ideas, just email me!I believe random acts of kindness links directly to gratitude because the receivers of our kindness are always grateful. This gives our kids the opportunity to see how other people show their gratitude toward us! Beyond that, many of the random acts include prompts for sharing our gratitude – for instance, writing a thank you letter to your teacher.As you think about random acts of kindness, how could you get your kids excited about doing random kind things to others??

Gratitude is….Acknowledging blessings

At the most basic level, I think this is what most people think about when they consider the idea of “gratitude”. But sometimes I think we use this in a way that doesn’t really capitalize on the best gratitude practice.For instance, I hear parents say, “Be grateful for what you have!” in a moment of frustration with their child. Or when our kids have a moment that they are sad or disappointed, we tell them they need to “be grateful” - rather than allowing their disappointment to be expressed and discussed. Although I understand why we do this (because I have certainly done this too!), it doesn't really teach kids the true meaning of gratitude.With clients and with my own kids, I generally try to engage in a conversation about gratitude fairly frequently. I do this because I believe gratitude is linked to many positive attributes and experiences. For instance, gratitude is connected to kindness, humility, empathy, and joy. And since I want to encourage myself and other parents to make words matter for good to achieve some of those things, talking about the things we are thankful for on a regular basis really matters!

A few ideas for talking about gratitude.

1. Read A Long Walk to Water, by Linda Sue Park, with your child if possible. Without much prompting, you can have lots of conversations about being grateful for what we have. If you can’t read the whole book, simply look up a few articles that share the hardship of others who have to walk to a water source. Here are a few examples for you.
   1.  https://water.org/our-impact/water-crisis/global-water-crisis/
   2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_scarcity
   3. https://thewaterproject.org/water-scarcity/
2. Ask your child to name three things they are thankful for. Beyond just listing them, talk with your child about why he/she is thankful for those things. Listen to the response. Don’t try to change it or shift it to something “deeper.” Just listen. Allow them to share whatever matters most to them while you give your undivided attention. If their response is to be grateful for video games, let them be grateful for video games. Lots of people are grateful for video games! The whole idea with this conversation is not to have them “realize” deeper gratitudes, but more just to get them in the practice of being thankful. 

A few ideas for modeling gratitude.

1. Be intentional about saying out loud (so your kids can hear you), “I am really grateful for__________.” Try to say this 3-5 times a day for a week. At some point, one of your kids may notice you have said that sentence “a lot lately” - which is exactly what we want. At that point, you can decide to have more conversation about what gratitude means to you, or just allow the power of that modeling to sink in without needing to push much more.
2. Create a gratitude board. This can be as simple as a little dry erase board or as big as a painted chalkboard wall in the living room. Don’t get overwhelmed by the process of making this “perfect”. Kids love dry erase boards or chalk boards - and frankly, if it just has to be a piece of paper on the wall, start there! The idea with the gratitude board is for members of your family to write each day, or each week, what they are grateful for. You could then talk about those things at dinner or in the car as each person “sneaks” something onto the board. You could also take that one step forward and take a picture of your gratitude board everyday or every week and create a photo book at the end of the year. Then, around the holidays, you could reminisce about your year with your kids and family.

There are many, many ways to acknowledge blessings. Anyone else have things they like to do?

 #makewordsmatterforgood Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Gratitude is... LOVING your body

So this is probably not what you were expecting to read about as we are beginning our journey into gratitude this month. And if I’m being honest…I wasn’t sure when I was planning this either!But here’s the truth: In all of my time talking with moms and dads, boys and girls, body image – and problems with body image – are among the most pervasive, daily internal struggles.  

The everyday evaluation

Everyday we get dressed and look in the mirror. Everyday we wake up and wash our face and look in the mirror. Everyday we eat three (or more) meals a day when we think about how many calories we are eating and how that impacts our waistline. And if you are like many of the rest of us, we also spend A LOT of time NOT liking what we see or how we feel when we eat (or overeat).And this negative energy definitely impacts our relationship with our kids. They see us looking negatively in the mirror. They hear us talking negatively about our body. They pick up how you spend so much time finding something that “looks good” and the exasperation in your voice when it feels like a never ending process.I am as guilty as the rest of us! And as I have been spending more time realizing how much our kids see, hear, and intuit, I also realize how much I need to more intentionally love my body. Just the way it is. Right now.

The strength of our bodies

My body has carried me through every long day and short day of my life. It has carried four tiny humans and healed after four cesarean deliveries. It has then created the sole food source for those tiny humans for the first six to 12 months of their lives (which is still an amazing thing to think about!!).

 It has run countless short and long jogs along my street, 5Ks, and a mini-marathon – not to mention the training for that mini! It withstands the daily grind of cooking, cleaning, sitting and playing. It has also survived the many, many random diets that I have tried.

In short, my body is a freakin miracle!  Can I get an AMEN?!?

How many of us really sit and marvel at how grateful we should be that our bodies are so resilient and strong?? I know I don’t enough!

Loving our bodies, in this season (and every season)

And so that is why our first gratitude practice is to LOVE OUR BODIES just as they are, in this season of life.

•     Wear that great dress and look in the mirror at the things you LOVE…not the thing you hate.
•     Walk with your shoulders tall and straight…rocking some new shoes that are killer!
•     Rock that bikini for the last few moments of summer!
•     Say out loud, when your kids are around, that you are grateful for your body and all it does for you on a daily basis.

Make words matter for good by modeling positive body image!Remember - Gratitude is.... loving our bodies just as they are, in the season of life we are in!How can you model this today??