Gratitude is….Discipline in the good moments too

Our final gratitude practice is about remembering we get to teach in the good moments too. In my work with clients and families, I often need to remind myself that discipline is really about teaching. The word “discipline” means “to train.”  And boy do I do my share of “training”. It feels like everyday is a near constant circle of instructions, checking, providing, talking, and explaining. Sometimes yelling. Often breathing (#wordoftheyear). :) 

The beauty in the down time

But recently I was reminded of how beautiful those “other” moments with our kids can be. Beyond the yelling and correcting for misbehavior. Into the moments of down time when the kids are settled into something and not getting into anything they shouldn’t be into! (If you are still in the toddler years where it seems like there isn’t a moment to breathe -- hold tight! You moment will come when you have some time to breathe and speak into other moments!)These are the moments to lean into the things we want them to truly know. Perhaps it may be sharing a story from your own childhood. Maybe it is a discussion about some hot topic or hard topic. Or maybe it is sharing about something you love deeply within their identity. 

Create the short list of NEEDS for this season

I encourage all of us to create a short list of things we NEED our child to know in this season. Perhaps it is sharing about grandpa’s illness. Maybe about how you see them stepping into a leadership role on their basketball team. Whatever it might be...write down what you need them to know and then seek the moments to share little bits of it. It doesn’t have to be a long, “sit down” conversation. Just little bits at a time when you have those moments.  

Small steps, small moments, big impact!

Also remember, this is just one season. We will have lots more seasons with them to share other things we need them to know. Don’t get stressed or overly complicated. Just take small steps in small moments.#makewordsmatterforgood 

Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in others

Related to the previous post about seeing the best in our kids, today’s practice is about seeing the best in others. You know, that one teacher who seems to pick on your child unnecessarily? Yep. Seeing the best in her. Or how about that cashier at the store who just yelled at your child for spinning by the chicken display? Yep. Her too. Or the family member who seems to know what’s best for your child ALL.THE.TIME? Yes. Even him. This practice of being grateful for those who make us crazy is certainly not my strongest character quality. In fact, I have to literally bite my tongue in certain conversations. And in particular when it is something my kid is sharing with me about that person. 

Gratitude for the growth

I have included this in our gratitude practice this month to show that we all have people in our lives who we connect more easily with. But it is the folks who we maybe don’t connect as easily with that allow us the most growth. How can I find what is good in even the hardest of places? Because if I can do that and genuinely share what about that person I am grateful for (to my kids!), then I am modeling a great skill for them to use later.

Maybe we aren’t getting the best of them

The other part of this that I know is important is to realize that I may not be getting the best of that person. You know how sometimes you have an “off” day and then snap unnecessarily at someone? Or how something is just bothering you and then you say something way more negative than you really mean? 

Pause for the option of forgiveness and grace

I am reminded today that sometimes that might be what we get from the people who make us crazy. What if we caught them at just that moment? I would want forgiveness from others if they saw that part of me. And I am sharing this to hold myself accountable to that same forgiveness.Seeing the best in others means I have to pause to get beyond my initial reaction/judgment of them. Push beyond the annoyance to see their gifts. Then, I will choose to see those gifts and call them out - rather than the annoyances that may be just a glimmer of who that person really is.

For every teacher, coach, mentor, family member, friend, pastor, community member. Find their good and let’s share gratitude with our kids about it!

 #makewordsmatterforgoodPhoto by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in your kids

How y’all feeling?? How is the gratitude practice coming along?  I know I get distracted ALL THE TIME and so I am trying to be more intentional this month...but even with that, I need reminded! :)  Feel free to drop me a line to remind me or stop me in the store if you see me! HA! I especially need that reminder in the store…Today, I am reflecting on a constant struggle for me. How to fairly answer the most common question I get as a mother …. “How are the kids?”

How are the kids?

I know it is the human tendency to focus on those things that bother me the most. The way my kids are challenging me at bedtime. The one time my son talked back and then I wanted to poke him in the eye. The time my daughter rolled her eyes at my simple request to take a shower. But I realize after sharing such examples that those instances are the slimmest of snapshots of who my kids are the majority of the time. And beyond that, I don’t want to be sharing the negativity when I have so many things to be thankful for with my kids.I certainly have lots of moments when I vent about irritation. But if I am rooted in gratitude, I can find genuine ways of connecting to others without bragging on and on about my kids.  AND without needing to share just the negative stuff!

What if they shared only the worst of me??

It also occurs to me that if my kids only shared the worst moments of me with everyone we knew…. Oh boy. EEK. So today, my hope is that I will be reminded to see the best in my kids - and share some of that with someone I am close to! #makewordsmatterforgood 

Gratitude is….Loving people more than things

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading a devotional in the early morning hours of stillness and came across a lesson that was so profound for me as a mother and professional. I want to share this lesson with you in the hopes that it could change how you use words with your kids, too!All of us have things that our kids do that cause automatic, negative reactions from us. For me, I have immediate overreactions when my kids do something that I perceive will require more work from me. For instance, when they spill milk all over the floor. I know it will require work from me to make sure they REALLY clean all the milk off of the floor so it doesn’t stink up the house!The irony is that I do not even come close to having a spotless house. And truthfully, some messes do not bother me at all. Drop some cereal on the floor? No problem. Just pick it up. Drop the syrup? Or oil? Or sugar? – those feel like harder things to clean, which I immediately perceive as more work for me. I know this about myself, and continually have to pay attention to my immediate reaction as a result – because either way, it is just an accident. My kid didn’t purposefully spill the milk. So my anger and frustration is valid for me to feel, but not necessarily for me to invoke shame for.But sometimes, my face, my words, and my body language don’t send that same message. My yelling, rolling of the eyes, huge frustrated sigh... all because of an accident! (Now...if they are purposeful in making messes, that is a much different story! What I want to realize are my anger reactions when my kids just had an accident with something.)So this automatic anger behavior in response to an accident is what I have been working to change.As you think about your own life, what are the things that bother you automatically??Back to my early morning lesson. This devotional gave the language to use with our kids that makes it clear to our kids how much they matter to us. The writer shared that when accidents happen (the spilled milk, the spilled cereal, the broken toy, etc.), our job is to send the message that we love our kids more than we love that thing.  So to make words matter for good:

• “I know you spilled the milk, Adrian. I love you more than the milk.”
• “I love you more than that toy.”

This may sound silly to say out loud, but our kids (and their concrete brains) really need to hear this message directly with your words. Trust me, early on, this would have been something I would have rolled my eyes about when a therapist told me this "therapisty" thing to say!  But trust me...this will work wonders in your relationship with your kid!

I would love to hear from you as you try this! What do you notice your child’s response is??

 The take-home message again - When accidents happen, our job is to send the message that we love our kids more than we love that thing.   Photo by Viktoria Goda from Pexels

Gratitude is... Being a gift to others

I have been practicing meditation with my kids and came across this gratitude meditation. I highly recommend it for elementary or middle school-aged kids! It isn’t super long and is a good model of easy, guided meditation.I purposefully didn’t listen to the entire meditation until I was actually doing it with my kids. I wanted to experience it the way they experienced it. (Note: I don’t want to ruin it for you! So if you plan to do this meditation – stop reading here and come back!!)If you don’t plan to do the meditation, I will give you the synopsis. Essentially, the speaker walks you through a visualization of a tree. And on this little tree are a bunch of little pieces of paper that are filled with all of the things we are grateful for. (The visualization walks you through spending a couple of minutes writing things on those papers for your tree.) All of this is beautiful and wonderful. It was the next part that stopped me in my tracks.The speaker challenged us to think about what it would be like to be on someone else’s gratitude tree. WOW. What a great thing to ponder! Not just to be grateful for what’s on our tree, but be so meaningful to someone else that they would put us on their tree. It opened this discussion with my kids that I didn’t anticipate, but am so thankful we had. So how do we help our kids show up on someone else’s tree (and WANT to be on someone else’s tree!)? I am sharing some of what my kids shared and what I have processed about this as well.

Show kindness that becomes a daymaker.

I teach a lot about kindness. I know almost all of us do, too. And this was one of the first things that both of my kids said during our discussion. But as we talked more, it wasn’t just kindness that had certain people on our trees, it was deep kindness. We determined that deep kindness came in one of two ways: continued, consistent kindness & generosity.

• Continued, consistent kindness – when people in our lives are continually and consistently kind, we have safety and predictability in the relationship. We develop a beautiful expectation that they will ALWAYS be kind – which deepens our love and connection with them. My kids said things like, “____ is on my tree because they always say something nice to me.” Or “_____ is on my tree because they always play with me.” When our kindness becomes always, we make someone’s day with our consistent sharing of kindness.
• Generosity – This pathway to our gratitude tree involves generosity that stuns us. Have you had that moment? Where someone does something so nice that you just stop and have that overwhelming feeling? This doesn’t necessarily mean lots of money, but it does mean lots of meaning. Be generous with your thoughtfulness, your listening skills, or your complimentary skills. Trust me, your kids will find all of those equally as important as being generous with money.

Foster relationships that matter.

To be a part of someone else’s gratitude tree, we have to be in relationship with them. They don’t necessarily have to be our best friends, though likely they may be, but we have to at least know them. So as you are helping your child know the value of their gratitude tree, and being on someone else’s tree, talking to them about relationships is a big part of that. With this, I also think about two things: friends and non-friends.

• Kids have a lot of “friends”, but may not necessarily know the true meaning of friendship. Most of our kids have friends by proximity. They are friends with people from their school – because they spend most of their waking moments with them. Or they are friends with people in their neighborhood, or kids on their soccer team. However, although they play with other kids who are proximal to them, fostering true friendship qualities early on is really important. So having discussions with our kids about why they like to spend time with certain people, “I notice you spend a lot of time with Steven. What is it about Steven that you like?” Or talking through ways we identify other friends who have similar interests or values to our family. “I noticed Steven was wearing a soccer shirt. He must like soccer, too.” These conversations can plant the seeds for modeling friendship-seeking later in life.
• Kids also have a lot of non-friends. Depending on your child’s age, non-friends may be kids in the classroom that they simply do not speak as much with daily. Non-friends may also be other kids in the classroom who pick on them or become “frenemies.” For our kids, non-friends are also an important topic for making words matter for good. Talking about the non-friends they don’t “see” gives us an opportunity to challenge our kids to meet “new” people. Challenge your child to play with someone new today. For the frenemies, it may require an open discussion about forgiveness and conflict management. Either way, realizing we can make it on to others’ gratitude trees through relationships is the key.

A couple of things to consider. Whose tree might YOU be on and how did you get there? And what ways can you implement these discussions this week?

#makewordsmatterforgood Photo by gypsyugal from Pexels

Gratitude is... Random acts of kindness

I love this type of gratitude practice. I love being randomly surprised by kindness from others – and I think that is probably a universal feeling. For the last few years, my kids and I have had a random acts of kindness board for the month of December. We love that it leads to one of our favorite holidays and the kids always love to see what the next random act is each day. Some examples of random acts include writing a short note to the principal of their school about how great their teacher is, opening the door for 3 people, giving three compliments, and bringing a candy bar to the janitors at their school. For more ideas, just email me!I believe random acts of kindness links directly to gratitude because the receivers of our kindness are always grateful. This gives our kids the opportunity to see how other people show their gratitude toward us! Beyond that, many of the random acts include prompts for sharing our gratitude – for instance, writing a thank you letter to your teacher.As you think about random acts of kindness, how could you get your kids excited about doing random kind things to others??

Gratitude is….Acknowledging blessings

At the most basic level, I think this is what most people think about when they consider the idea of “gratitude”. But sometimes I think we use this in a way that doesn’t really capitalize on the best gratitude practice.For instance, I hear parents say, “Be grateful for what you have!” in a moment of frustration with their child. Or when our kids have a moment that they are sad or disappointed, we tell them they need to “be grateful” - rather than allowing their disappointment to be expressed and discussed. Although I understand why we do this (because I have certainly done this too!), it doesn't really teach kids the true meaning of gratitude.With clients and with my own kids, I generally try to engage in a conversation about gratitude fairly frequently. I do this because I believe gratitude is linked to many positive attributes and experiences. For instance, gratitude is connected to kindness, humility, empathy, and joy. And since I want to encourage myself and other parents to make words matter for good to achieve some of those things, talking about the things we are thankful for on a regular basis really matters!

A few ideas for talking about gratitude.

1. Read A Long Walk to Water, by Linda Sue Park, with your child if possible. Without much prompting, you can have lots of conversations about being grateful for what we have. If you can’t read the whole book, simply look up a few articles that share the hardship of others who have to walk to a water source. Here are a few examples for you.
   1.  https://water.org/our-impact/water-crisis/global-water-crisis/
   2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_scarcity
   3. https://thewaterproject.org/water-scarcity/
2. Ask your child to name three things they are thankful for. Beyond just listing them, talk with your child about why he/she is thankful for those things. Listen to the response. Don’t try to change it or shift it to something “deeper.” Just listen. Allow them to share whatever matters most to them while you give your undivided attention. If their response is to be grateful for video games, let them be grateful for video games. Lots of people are grateful for video games! The whole idea with this conversation is not to have them “realize” deeper gratitudes, but more just to get them in the practice of being thankful. 

A few ideas for modeling gratitude.

1. Be intentional about saying out loud (so your kids can hear you), “I am really grateful for__________.” Try to say this 3-5 times a day for a week. At some point, one of your kids may notice you have said that sentence “a lot lately” - which is exactly what we want. At that point, you can decide to have more conversation about what gratitude means to you, or just allow the power of that modeling to sink in without needing to push much more.
2. Create a gratitude board. This can be as simple as a little dry erase board or as big as a painted chalkboard wall in the living room. Don’t get overwhelmed by the process of making this “perfect”. Kids love dry erase boards or chalk boards - and frankly, if it just has to be a piece of paper on the wall, start there! The idea with the gratitude board is for members of your family to write each day, or each week, what they are grateful for. You could then talk about those things at dinner or in the car as each person “sneaks” something onto the board. You could also take that one step forward and take a picture of your gratitude board everyday or every week and create a photo book at the end of the year. Then, around the holidays, you could reminisce about your year with your kids and family.

There are many, many ways to acknowledge blessings. Anyone else have things they like to do?

 #makewordsmatterforgood Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Gratitude is... LOVING your body

So this is probably not what you were expecting to read about as we are beginning our journey into gratitude this month. And if I’m being honest…I wasn’t sure when I was planning this either!But here’s the truth: In all of my time talking with moms and dads, boys and girls, body image – and problems with body image – are among the most pervasive, daily internal struggles.  

The everyday evaluation

Everyday we get dressed and look in the mirror. Everyday we wake up and wash our face and look in the mirror. Everyday we eat three (or more) meals a day when we think about how many calories we are eating and how that impacts our waistline. And if you are like many of the rest of us, we also spend A LOT of time NOT liking what we see or how we feel when we eat (or overeat).And this negative energy definitely impacts our relationship with our kids. They see us looking negatively in the mirror. They hear us talking negatively about our body. They pick up how you spend so much time finding something that “looks good” and the exasperation in your voice when it feels like a never ending process.I am as guilty as the rest of us! And as I have been spending more time realizing how much our kids see, hear, and intuit, I also realize how much I need to more intentionally love my body. Just the way it is. Right now.

The strength of our bodies

My body has carried me through every long day and short day of my life. It has carried four tiny humans and healed after four cesarean deliveries. It has then created the sole food source for those tiny humans for the first six to 12 months of their lives (which is still an amazing thing to think about!!).

 It has run countless short and long jogs along my street, 5Ks, and a mini-marathon – not to mention the training for that mini! It withstands the daily grind of cooking, cleaning, sitting and playing. It has also survived the many, many random diets that I have tried.

In short, my body is a freakin miracle!  Can I get an AMEN?!?

How many of us really sit and marvel at how grateful we should be that our bodies are so resilient and strong?? I know I don’t enough!

Loving our bodies, in this season (and every season)

And so that is why our first gratitude practice is to LOVE OUR BODIES just as they are, in this season of life.

•     Wear that great dress and look in the mirror at the things you LOVE…not the thing you hate.
•     Walk with your shoulders tall and straight…rocking some new shoes that are killer!
•     Rock that bikini for the last few moments of summer!
•     Say out loud, when your kids are around, that you are grateful for your body and all it does for you on a daily basis.

Make words matter for good by modeling positive body image!Remember - Gratitude is.... loving our bodies just as they are, in the season of life we are in!How can you model this today??

A month of gratitude

This month, as the kids go back to school, I want to spend the entire month of August blogging about gratitude. I have been studying and meditating about gratitude for a long time and have come up with a few ideas that I think will help all of us along as we are trying to raise happy, grateful, successful kids. Especially in a world where it feels like instant gratification and technology are taking over!So as we explore the topics of gratitude, I want to encourage all of us to be mindful of gratitude as a practice.  In other words, it is something we need to continue to work on, to practice. Think of it like a journey that we are all on together, that probably won’t end anytime soon! Which is actually a great thing! We can continue to grow and model all things gratitude this month and for the months (and years to come!). Join me this month in some (maybe new) ways to practice gratitude with our kids! Here is what I have planned for us this month…

8 NEW ways to practice gratitude.

1. 1. Gratitude is….Loving your body
   2. Gratitude is….Acknowledging blessings
   3. Gratitude is….Being a gift to others
   4. Gratitude is….Random acts of kindness
   5. Gratitude is….Loving people more than things
   6. Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in your kids
   7. Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in others
   8. Gratitude is….Discipline in the good moments too