A final reflection on change and growth

[embed]https://vimeo.com/362621021[/embed]How do YOU model growth? Comment on Facebook or below!#makewordsmatterforgood

Expectations at school and homework

This is basically the face I have when it is time for homework. It’s either that one kid has assured me they have “no homework” (and I hesitantly believe them)... or… this is the 5th grade math figuring-it-out-face.  Don’t judge. I was awesome at math. 25 years ago!Homework is a necessary part of the home-school connection. Yes. I realize there are many different opinions about homework. Some believe it is unnecessary. That kids should learn what they need to learn at school. I get that. But y’all, can I tell you about the list of things teachers have to do to get our kids to be well-meaning grownups that have nothing to do with academics?? All of the teaching required that has nothing to do with reading or math. It’s a lot. Like A.LOT. I’ve been in classrooms - from preschool to high school. And no matter the age - your kid’s teachers are working hard on getting them to be kind. To follow instructions. To interact socially. To wait. And the list goes on...So I actually appreciate homework. It helps me stay connected to what the kids are doing. It gives me some time to work closely with them on something. It allows me to be helpful to them in ways other than cooking and driving them around. (Note: my kids do not have hours of homework each night. Maybe 30 minutes or so…). The other thing it allows me to do is to share with them my value of education and working hard to be better. 

Tips to remember

If you are struggling to get into the swing of homework, here are a few tips. 

1.  I would encourage you to set a visual schedule of your child’s homework tasks. Have him/her help you create the order in which homework gets completed. Write them on a dry erase board or piece of paper to check off once it is completed.
2. ALWAYS include a snack during homework time. Especially if it is right after school. Remember, most of our kids each lunch really early in the day. And nobody does homework well when they are hangry. 
3. You could also include things like a brain break activity like charades, or I-Spy for a few minutes to increase the fun and decrease the stress. 

One final note: projects 

Keep in mind that projects can be really hard for our kids. Even quite mature kids can struggle to keep themselves organized during a multi-week-long project. I encourage parents to frequently ask about any projects that kids have going on. Often, kids think they are doing okay and then don’t tell parents about a project until the very last minute. (You can imagine how that goes!). So if you know ahead of time to ask about projects, it will probably save a lot of headaches in the end. If your child has difficulty with this, talk to his/her teacher about projects at the outset of the quarter. See if the teacher will give you a list of projects that you can prepare for in advance. Although your child may say he/she doesn’t need help, they almost never turn it down when they are up against a deadline. Don’t do it for them...but be there to support them and encourage them.#makewordsmatterforgood

Growing with grandparents

We all love grandparents.

They come visit.   They help out when we need a break.   They share their wisdom and guidance. That being said, I have also heard from clients about the not-so-good of grandparents being around. For instance, when grandparents “take over” and shift the rules and expectations. Or give advice in such a way that it feels like we’re doing it wrong. In this season of growth and change, and as grandparents stretch us as parents - and stretch our kids with new expectations, might I encourage you with this message: 

Your parents are not YOUR kid’s parents. And...guess who knows that?? YOUR kid. 

That’s right. No manner of grandparenting or over-grandparenting will convince your child that you stopped being their mom or dad. They know the difference. They KNOW you are their parent. They love you for it. AND they love their grandparents, too. There is enough love for everyone from your kids. They have love overflowing from them!If you are in a season of struggling with the growth from your child’s grandparents, I want to encourage you to let your kids love them and love you. Allow grandparents to OVERlove your child. Who couldn’t use more love??  NOTE: if you are in a struggle about overindulgence...that’s okay, too. You can definitely have a conversation about needs/wants/excess with your kids without needing to block grandparents. Just sit down with them to talk about your family values. This may include teaching about gratitude and humility. That we want to accept gifts from grandma and grandpa, but those gifts aren’t always things they will receive from us. Allowing our kids to be loved by (and have deep, meaningful connections with) Grandparents is hugely important. If you don’t live nearby to your parents - visit. If you don’t have a great relationship with your parents, find a surrogate family who you build relationship with. You kids need relationships with elders who teach them from a different generation. Your parents represent your childhood. Your heritage.  Your kids learn about you as they see you with their grandparents. Give them this gift. Often and joyfully.#makewordsmatterforgoodP.S. - Love you Mom and Dad, Grandma Billie, Grandma Sonia and Papa! You are GREAT grandparents to my babies! 

Divorce (pt 2)

We recently discussed the importance of letting go of resentment and engaging in forgiveness with divorce. Here, we will explore more ways to engage in healthy relationships with our ex-partner. The key here is to engage, not just tolerate. If you find yourself in a place of just tolerating your ex (which I hear a lot from parents), this is a post just for you!A few days ago, I was reading a quote about marriage that deeply resonated with me."Marriage is a promise of companionship and provision for the spiritual, emotional, and physical needs of two people (Meyer, 2006)."I encourage you to pause for a moment. Consider that quote about marriage. And it caused me to pause because I believe the same is true for parenthood. Being a parents is also about companionship and providing for the needs of our kids.  So even though the marriage is dissolved in divorce, our commitment to providing for our kids still remains.To do that, I believe that even in divorce situations, we need to follow that same commitment to our ex-spouse. It may just look different than the marriage originally did.The truth is: our kids need to see that we are modeling companionship and provision for their other parent (your ex). It certainly doesn't mean we are the only provider of their spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. We are not longer married, so that makes sense. However, trust me when I say, I have listened to child after child speak about how much they wished "mommy would still care about daddy" or vice versa.  We can still show we care by helping with that provision.As you engage with your ex-spouse, consider kindness over just tolerance. Even if it isn't reciprocated all the time, your choice of kindness will be seen and known by your kids. I know it will not be easy, but as you continue to model positive attributes, it will undoubtedly pay off in your kids!#makewordsmatterforgood

Photo by Bedbible

Divorce (pt 1)

I have been planning a blog on divorce for several weeks because of the many, many clinical experiences I have had with kids of divorced parents - and working with divorced parents as well. As I have expanded this here, I want to address the issue of divorce through the lens of a child, but also conflict between parents - divorced, married or otherwise - and the impact on kids. Hopefully this will reach someone who needs to know this information!For part one of this two-part divorce posts (the second to be posted in a couple of days), I wanted to talk about resentment and forgiveness. I have lived my fair share of parental conflicts and have seen time and again the problems that kids experience because of parental resentment and lack of forgiveness. 

Let’s talk about resentment.

According to the google dictionary, resentment is “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”. Ugh. That sounds nasty!  And many of us would like to believe we have never held resentment toward anyone. But what I find in my clinical practice is that we allow little things to build - tiny, everyday things - that then lead to resentment. Let me share an example.I had a *client many years ago whose parents were often in arguments about what my client (their 13-year-old son) perceived as “small things.” He would share how they would fight about who had to pick him up from practice or pay for his athletic gear. He said they wouldn’t be big blow-out fights (although they had those too), but just passive aggressive comments like, “Oh it’s fine...I’ll take care of it...again! Just like I always do. Because I’m the only one who cares about what is best for OUR SON.” Comments like these, in our frustration with our spouse, are noted and remembered by our kids. They can sense our irritation. They see our eyes rolling. They feel the bitterness.  Instead, we need to model conflict resolution and emotional expression. Even if it doesn’t work all of the time (in other words, even if we don’t get the result we want from our partner), it is still important for them to see we have tried. So in this instance, it would be fair to disagree, and even argue, in front of the son. Instead, we need to share how we are feeling and provide a strategy for a solution, rather than just being passive aggressive.  For instance, “UGH. I am so irritated right now. If feels like you are continuing to make this just MY responsibility, when it is OURS to carry together. Can you please help me by ordering his jersey, while I contact the coach about pickup?” Again - this may not work every time. But if we are continuing to stay clear in our communication, it is likely to plant seeds over time in your child.

Resentment, left unaddressed, can lead to contempt

The most well-known couples researcher, Dr. John Gottman, has published over and over and over about the four key things that healthy couples do (and don’t do). He has also shared the most predictive factors in couples ending in divorce - see here for more info. One of those four factors is contempt.  Contempt is deadly in relationships because it sets an aura that one of us is better than the other and it blinds us from the many facets of our partner that are positive. If we allow resentment to grow, and it turns into contempt, we are in big trouble! And so are our kids. 

Forgiveness is key

Forgiveness is a huge part of any relationship, but especially in the parental relationship because WE ARE THE MODEL of all future relationships for our kids. Let me say that again (I say this A LOT to parents!) - WE are the model of relationships for our kids. Think about that. And then think about raising kids who have never been modeled how to forgive another person. For our kids, we have to model forgiveness. They have to hear from us “I forgive you” - a lot! They apologize a lot and we should be using the words “I forgive you” a lot. 

What if forgiveness is hard?

But what about when we are so badly hurt by our partner that it doesn’t feel like we WANT to forgive them??  I get that. I don’t know exactly what that feels like. But I have heard this statement from one parent about another parent many times before. “But Beth, I don’t WANT him to think it is okay. I can’t forgive him. Then my kids will think it is okay.” Let me first say to the mom or dad, man or woman who feels this way. I see you. I honor that hurt. What happened was not okay. AND forgiveness does NOT mean you are saying that it is okay. Instead, forgiveness is saying - I will not allow the hurt to keep me silent (or down, or afraid, or whatever goes in that blank for you) any longer. Forgiveness is releasing the negative feelings toward that person for your own betterment. It is standing up after being knocked down. And saying, I won’t be held back anymore.  Now - think about being able to model THAT for your kids?!? Doesn’t that sound amazing?  

So how do we do that?

One of my favorite books on divorce is written by Judge Michele Lowrance called The Good Karma Divorce.  The reason I love this book is because it has practical strategies for moving toward healing. She encourages readers to write, reflect, share with others, etc. For anyone going through a divorce - or having ANY tiny moments of resentment from a previous divorce, I think the book is a great investment!Beyond the book, I encourage many parents to seek a pastor or counselor to walk them through the negative feelings associated with divorce. This allows space to share openly, but also to figure out exactly how to model new feelings for your child. Remember, the biggest part is to realize our kids are watching. So with each piece of resentment we move forward from and each aspect of forgiveness we allow, our kids will see the weight of that transformation in us. As always, encourage and allow the space for discussion about resentment and forgiveness with your kids. Share your struggle and your journey with them (as appropriate!).  *Note: demographic variables and details have been altered to maintain confidentiality.

Supporting them as loss happens

We all experience loss. And we all respond to loss differently. For our kids, they may not have as much experience with loss and so they may need help in knowing how to respond.  You may think your child may not have experienced loss to this point. Before you quit on me, stick with this post – your child has experienced loss, even if just a small loss. And those small losses can be just as powerful in teaching our kids about the world they live in.

Consider loss along a continuum. 

Loss is best thought of along a continuum of: big losses and small losses.  Small losses -------------------------------------------------------------  Big losses It is also important to remember that categorizing loss (into a big loss or a small loss) will be different for different kids. Take a moment to think about what your child would consider a small loss or a big loss.  In the same idea, there are many different types of losses. Friends moving on, broken toys, sports or games, poor academic performance, moving to a new house, divorce, birth of a sibling, remarriage of family member, or countless other things. So our job is to help them understand and emotionally respond to loss, which will be a pre-cursor to understanding and responding to death.  When loss occurs - allow them the space to talk about how they feel about the loss. Share your feelings about a similar loss when you were growing up. Remember that their response to loss isn’t right or wrong. And neither is yours. Similarly, their reaction is very likely to be WAY different from what you THINK they should be doing. In other words, they may be much more sad about a loss than you believe they should be. That’s okay. But by allowing them to experience the emotional reaction to loss, we can open the door to conversation about other (bigger) losses and death in the future. Just like loss, I encourage you to consider death along a continuum as well.  Not important ------------------------------------------------------------- More important Their way of experiencing death may not be (and probably won’t be) along the same timeline as it is for us.           - developmentally it takes time - sometimes shorter, sometimes longer           - various “events” may be triggers for the loss Beyond just the death of someone they know, please don’t forget about the intangible impact of loss or grief (i.e., loss of trust, safety/security, control, stability, or support.). In fact, most kids I have worked with would say this is the hardest part of death/loss - because it is harder to articulate to those around you.  

So what do kids need?

• They need us to listen. NOT for us to fix it. 
• They need us to experience loss well too. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to experience loss well. 
• They need connection and encouragement. Devote just a little more time to your child during this transition. Use more encouraging words. Know they may need a little more boost in their spirit for the next days, weeks, and months.

Helpful Tips to keep in mind

1. Listen. Listen. Listen. And Listen some more. 
2. Fight the urge to fix it or “make them feel better.” It is better to honor their emotions and sit with them in it than to “fix it” and make them feel like their emotions are unwarranted.
3. Manage your own emotions and feelings. Be honest (but not overwhelming) in sharing your own feelings. Model appropriate grieving. 
4. Practice saying what you want to say. Seriously. Take a moment to think through and practice what you want to say to help your child feel better. I think we often forget the impact that we can have when we practice and become more intentional.
5. Include your family’s spiritual beliefs. Admit that you don’t know for sure (if you feel that way). 
6. Prepare them for the services and give them a task if they want it.
7. Honor the loss in some way. Something tangible is most advisable because this gives them something to hold, look at, etc. So maybe a picture, a letter, a drawing.
8. They will be “okay” when YOU are “okay.” - Get to being “okay” through routines, but don’t act like nothing happened.
9. Use books and movies as places to start. Create “sacred” time for connection and attachment to increase support and encouragement.
10. Spend 10 more minutes a day fully attending to them. This doesn’t have to be talking about what happened necessarily, but just more tuned in to what your child is doing during this time.

 What can you do today to help with loss??#makewordsmatterforgood

Be led. Allow failure.

One of my favorite books is The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey. The message of allowing our kids to fail is one that I know I don’t do enough. I don’t want them to be sad or upset. I don’t want them to feel bad. But all of my saving only keeps them from learning from their failures. I’m serious. I read that book and thought… “I need a major adjustment to my parenting!”  

Be Led. A time for growth.

Similarly, a few months ago, I was reading a devotional and I came to a part that said, Be Led. Two little words that stopped me in my tracks. The words jumped out at me like a neon flashing light. They might as well have said, “HEY BETH. THIS MESSAGE IS FOR YOU... Be led.”  If I’m being honest, I’m not great at being led. I like a certain amount of control. It helps decrease my anxiety. Let me give you an example. I am a terrible back-seat driver. Especially with my husband. (Sorry, honey!). I can get anxious about certain driving strategies (like continuing to accelerate on the interstate when the car in front of you has lit up break lights). And when driving around town, I believe that I have the fastest route through town. Although there are probably infinite ways that a person could drive from our home to the other side of town, I believe MINE is the best. :) So. When my husband takes a different path, I say something (unhelpful) like, “Why are you going this way?”  His response, “Because I want to do this way.” -- OBVIOUSLY. In my mind, I am then reminded that it honestly isn’t any faster or better to go my way.  It really doesn’t matter the path we go. All that matters is that we arrive. My need to control doesn’t actually make the outcome better. (Yes. I know. I am still a work in progress!) Now. Let’s take that lesson to our kids! How can we BE LED - let go of control - and trust others to help us (and our kids) grow?

Trust our teachers. Be led. Allow others to grow our kids.

Every teacher who has ever stepped foot in a classroom has had some level of training on how to be a teacher. Yes. Some will have much more experience than others. And certainly some teachers are more passionate than others. But for the most part, we could probably say most teachers have more training on teaching than we do. As parents, our job is to trust our teachers and allow the space to be led by them. Give them a few days or weeks or months to get to know your child and what he/she needs. Beyond that, can I encourage us all to entertain the idea that they might have a different path than you are thinking about. And, much like my example above, remember that there are many paths to a certain destination. So if your child’s teacher has a lesson or homework assignment that you may not understand the purpose of, give it a day or two to see if their path might have been better than your idea. 

Allow your teen to fail. Be led. Allow growth for us - and your teen!

I may not make friends with this next section. Encouraging our teens to lead us might sound like the most ridiculous thing to you. That’s okay. Sometimes the things I think about sound ridiculous to me, too! That being said, I have seen many times how teens build confidence as we give them the lead. If your teen has something they want to do, allow them to lead - even if you perceive failure on the horizon! It can be a hard thing to allow, but you will also be surprised at how interesting your teen’s reaction is when you allow the space for this to happen. 

Tried your hand at being led by your child’s teacher? Or your teen?? SHARE WITH US! How did it go?

#makewordsmatterforgoodPhoto by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Promoting growth with friends

Friends grow and change as our kids grow and change. Within each stage of development, we can help promote friendships based on what are the biggest issues during that stage of life.

Preschool friends

Our preschoolers need friends so they can learn to share, communicate, and self-regulate. Preschoolers have to overcome separation from parents and learn to rely on peers and other adults to meet their needs. When they are in preschool, our kids need us to encourage sharing, kindness, and communication. Practice playing games at home that require them to share. Give them a script for what they can say to a friend that would be kind. Have them practice communicating that with you several times. Keep in mind that sharing is a hard skill for some of our kiddos. They may seem territorial with their toys. That’s okay. That’s normal. We can support growth by encouraging them to share little by little. Then praise them for sharing when they do to reinforce that in the future!

School-aged kids

Many elementary-aged kids spend a lot of time focusing on the rules, setting rules, and fairness. I often talk with friends about my son (who is 10) as the “fairness police.” He gets really frustrated when things do not seem “fair” to him. Although this is a developmentally appropriate thing - it can be a hard conversation to have over and over. If your child is around this age and constantly complains about things “not being fair”, that’s normal. To help them connect better with friends, you can empathize with their perception of things not feeling fair. “I know it doesn’t seem fair to you. What do you think needs to happen differently?”  In general, I try to draw out how they are feeling, even if it seems irrational to me. On the other hand, I have also had moments with clients and my own kids when I have just said, “I know it doesn’t seem fair to you, but if it were your way, it wouldn’t feel fair to him. So you have to accept that or walk away and do something else.” I would encourage us NOT to say things like… “Life’s not fair.” or “There are starving children in other places.” Those statements are simply not helpful at teaching your child in that moment. Instead, if you want to truly teach about poverty or fairness, find a great book at the library to work through.The other thing with friendships in elementary school is the transiency of friends. Lots of kids move during elementary school. So your child may have three best friends who all move away in 3rd grade. Realize that kids are resilient, but that there are a lot of changes in friendships during this stage. We can help foster friendships by encouraging continued kindness and socialization with many kids in their classroom. You may check in periodically about any changes - perhaps every other week. “Do you have any new friends this week?” or “Have you been playing with anyone new this week?”  I just asked my son the other day who he had been playing with and he said, “He’s a new kid in our class, mom.” (Like...duh, Mom!). I had no idea! Then we had a good conversation about the “new kid” and how he was trying to help him fit in.  

Teens and the drama (and “romance”)

Teenagers. Oh teenagers. I love working with teenagers!  When I was in graduate school, I remember a conversation I had with one of my faculty mentors and he was getting to know me and my goals. He asked which age group I wanted to work with. And I said, “Middle schoolers.” He made this painful, horrified face and immediately said, “Why on earth would you want to do that?!?” Some of you parents of teens might share his sentiment. :)Friendships during our teenagers’ years can be filled with ups and downs. As our teens are figuring out how to manage the new flood of hormones, their bodies are internally making huge changes that we can’t see. All we get to see is the outward expression of that internal growth spike. This “outward expression” may come off as a bad attitude, crying, screaming, disrespect, or aggression. Our teens may be crushed by a small comment from a friend. They may have a seemingly overreaction to a friend’s comment on social media. All of this goes along with their hormonal growth and their continued efforts to learn how to manage their new emotions.To support friends, we need to stay involved. They may not want us to hang around or be included, but we have to stay connected so we know what’s going on when they start clamming up! Talk to your kid’s friends. Read what they are reading. Check out movies and YouTubers that they are into. Build your “street cred” so they will open up around you. By being relatable to your teen (and their friends), you are more likely to keep lines of communication open (both with your teen and their friends!). 

When three is a crowd.

All of us have been situations where there are three people and inevitably one person gets left out. It can be really hard to know how to respond when our kids feel rejected or left out. The first thing to remember is that we need to listen and have empathy for their feelings. None of us like rejection and our kids are still working through how to manage it. The second thing is to try to get them to be able to manage the friendship themselves. So teaching them words to use to stand up for themselves when they feel left out. “Hmmm. That sounds like it was a hard thing. What do you think you should have said?” or “I remember I felt left out when I was a kid sometimes, too. What happened next?” or “What do you wish happened differently?” 

What do you notice about your kids’ friendships?? Please share!

#makewordsmatterforgood

Change and growth!

Remaining steady in a world that is constantly changing, while promoting and modeling growth.

This month will be a series on change and  growth. Now that kids are back into school and we are back into the routine of the school year, it is a good time to consider these topics of change and growth. Our kids are in a never-ending cycle of change and being pushed to grow. It sometimes baffles me when I think about how much change we push them toward. Like really think about it. Everyday in school, they are challenged to learn brand new things. Or adjust their thinking of current things. And then they come home and we continue to shape them and correct them for all sorts of other things. (Even if it feels like we are correcting the same thing over and over!!).With this in mind, I often talk with families in my practice about trying to maintain routines and traditions to balance all of the change. And not just any routines, but those that follow your values and parenting philosophy.  This is a critical part of developing inner consistency within your family that builds the foundation that keeps them rooted in a world of chaos. So this month, we will be exploring the many changes that happen for many families. My hope with these pieces is that they will resonate with you either now or in the future.  This month we will cover change and growth in your (and your child’s) life in the following ways:

• Friends
• Teachers
• Death and loss
• Divorce (part 1)
• Divorce (part 2)
• Grandparents
• Expectations at school and homework

Tune in to learn some practical ways to help your kids with loss and change this month!Photo by Felix Mittermeier from Pexels