A month of gratitude

This month, as the kids go back to school, I want to spend the entire month of August blogging about gratitude. I have been studying and meditating about gratitude for a long time and have come up with a few ideas that I think will help all of us along as we are trying to raise happy, grateful, successful kids. Especially in a world where it feels like instant gratification and technology are taking over!So as we explore the topics of gratitude, I want to encourage all of us to be mindful of gratitude as a practice.  In other words, it is something we need to continue to work on, to practice. Think of it like a journey that we are all on together, that probably won’t end anytime soon! Which is actually a great thing! We can continue to grow and model all things gratitude this month and for the months (and years to come!). Join me this month in some (maybe new) ways to practice gratitude with our kids! Here is what I have planned for us this month…

8 NEW ways to practice gratitude.

1. 1. Gratitude is….Loving your body
   2. Gratitude is….Acknowledging blessings
   3. Gratitude is….Being a gift to others
   4. Gratitude is….Random acts of kindness
   5. Gratitude is….Loving people more than things
   6. Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in your kids
   7. Gratitude is….Seeing the BEST in others
   8. Gratitude is….Discipline in the good moments too

What your face and your body are saying

Researchers say approximately 90% of what other people "hear" from us is not what they hear, it is what they see.  What they observe from our bodies and our faces when we talk with them is more telling than some of the words we say. The expression on our face when we share our disappointment or frustration can be interpreted as much deeper, negative messages. I have heard it from my own kids, and the many kids in my therapy room. My daughter will ask me, "Mommy, why are you mad?" And I turn to her, somewhat confused because I am not feeling mad...but apparently, I LOOK mad. I have had similar discussions with parents and kids in my therapy room. They accuse mom of yelling, while mom reports she doesn't yell.

Their perception is their current reality.

You know that saying, Perception is reality? I think that fits with our kids, too. Sometimes we have to spend as much time hearing and correcting their perception, as well as the reality. So rather than immediately dismissing their perception, I encourage parents to ask their child - "What makes you think I am mad?" Without learning this, you can't fully understand how they came to that perception.

Our face isn't great at covering our stress or our fear

The truth is, kids are ultra perceptive. They pick up on all of the subtle cues that we think we are so good at hiding. Remember, they have many, many fewer things to worry about in their minds. This frees up lots of space for paying attention to all the small things that we don't always have the mental space to realize.So. That means our kids can see the stress and fear on our faces. Even if we have the best intentions to keep them in the dark about it.Last year, my daughter had a gymnastics meet about 50 miles away. It was the middle of winter in Indiana and I thought I had allotted plenty of time for us to get to the meet. Unfortunately, I did not account for an interstate closure, impassible side roads, and the intolerance of her younger siblings in the back seat. To put it lightly, it was one of the most stressful couple of hours.I was truly fearful our car would veer off the road into the snow banks. I was stressed because cars were flying past me on the icy roads. I was frustrated that the meet wasn't cancelled. And we were both stressed because our arrival time was drifting annoyingly close to the start of the meet.I did my best to keep myself calm, but within a few short minutes, she noticed the fear and stress on my face. This triggered fear and stress in her, which meant she instantly began to cry.This example is meant to highlight how quickly our kids can pick up on how we are doing. And in those moments when our poker face is no longer hiding things, we have two options: 1. pretend things are okay, or 2. share our feelings.  I get that some of you don't want to "burden" your kids with your own things. And I don't think we should dump our stuff onto our kids. But I do think we could strike the balance of sharing our feelings to teach stress management and emotional expression.

So I wonder - what do your kids notice about your body or your face?

What is your body and your face saying when you talk, yell, reprimand, connect with your child??In moments of discipline and connection, remember our face is saying way more than our words!#makewords(andfaces)matterforgoodPhoto by Craig Adderley from Pexels 

The thing about waiting...

Two things.

First. Waiting is hard. Can we all agree that waiting is hard??

And the unfortunate second part...

Kids wait A LOT.

I talk about this quite a bit when I do parenting workshops in the community. Kids have to wait in line, wait for a drink, wait for food, wait for me to get done with this text, this email, this Facebook scroll. They have to wait until they are older, wait until Friday, wait until their brother wakes up. Wait. Wait. Wait.If you pause to reflect, how well do we, adults, wait?

Wait for them to do their chores, their homework, their showers? Wait for a new job? A new house?

What I find, is that we, adults, don't wait well. YET we expect kids to wait well.  Today, I want to share a few thoughts about waiting and perhaps some tips for making the waiting easier!

Encourage boredom

That's right. I said it. Encourage them to be bored. Use boredom as a teaching moment for reflection, dreaming, thinking, exploring, etc. I have heard other experts talking about how our smartphones keep us from ever being bored. And I realized how true that is for our kids, too.I remember growing up and knowing what real boredom felt like. We lived in a house in the country, with no neighbors to play with. We had one TV in the house with 6 channels, most of which did not have kid-friendly shows. Although I wouldn't say I am a master at tackling boredom, I look back and realize that boredom taught me how to rely on my siblings as playmates. It also taught me to explore and ponder. I remember days when I would sit on the porch step and look at my surroundings and think about all types of things - what I wanted to be (an astronaut), where I wanted to live (on the moon), who I thought would live with me (my mother forever), what it would be like to fly.

An experiment on boredom

A couple of weeks ago, I implemented a new experiment with my kids. Please note: when I shared this new experiment with them, they grumbled..."not another experiment"! lol - if you are a praying person - please pray for my poor children :)   Anyway, this new experiment was to have "rest time" during the day. And here were the rest time rules:

• No electronics of any kind.
• Toys of any kind are not allowed.
• No talking to anyone else.
• Sleeping is NOT allowed. Sleeping is different from resting.
• For a period of 10 minutes.

I implemented this because I was noticing that my kids need frequent, if not continuous, stimulation. If there isn't a screen, a toy, or a person engaging them, they seem to lose their minds (I am praying my kids aren't the only ones in the world like this!!).The first day, it took several times of restarting the 10-minute timer, but after that initial day, they actually did okay following the rules of rest time. Two things came out of this week-long experiment (that will probably continue longer!): 1. They realized they were able to survive 10 minutes of "boredom" or "torture" as they called it. And 2. They had so much joy when that timer went off!  Each time, we all laughed at how excited they were for that oven timer to go off.

Model waiting well

Beyond boredom, I think our kids pick up on the torture, or lack of torture, of waiting based on how we handle it. I think it is important to talk explicitly about boredom with our kids, but also to share how we feel about waiting. Acknowledge that waiting is hard. Engage in a conversation about how it feels to wait and be bored. You might be shocked at what you learned from them! And it might even distract both of you from the waiting. The next time you hear yourself instructing your child to "wait" - maybe these reminders will help make that waiting just a little bit easier! photo cred: Pexels.com Lukas Hartmann

Become a noticer. In the best way!

"Noticer" is not a word. My computer continues to remind me that it is not a word, but it is absolutely a personality descriptor.  This is my middle son, Adrian. He is 5 and he is totally a noticer. He notices things on the daily that would not be on my radar in a million years. He can pick out a car that looks like our car from a parking lot of hundreds. As we are driving, he sees something that reminds him of his grandma and talks about a memory with her.  If I come out wearing a "fancy" dress (like one from Target or Macys - lol) he notices and tells me I am beautiful. When his dad comes back from the barbershop, he notices and says he likes his haircut. He sees wildflowers on the side of the road and remind me that those are the same wildflowers at our home 20 or 50 or 150 miles away. He notices.I was struck by his noticing abilities a couple of months ago for a couple of reasons. First, because he is so acutely aware of certain experiences in the world that I am absolutely not aware of at all. And second, he calls out what he notices in the most beautiful way. I want to share why I think we, parents, may all want to pause and notice more as well.

Noticing stops the busyness

Adrian is a tinkerer. He is at an age where he loves to tinker with things around the house, imagine and pretend new things with toys and pencils and lego bricks. In his tinkering, he notices unique details about the world around him that I simply miss because I am too busy, or flooding with other things, to realize. For instance, the other day, he was playing with some beads and I said in passing, "I really like those orange beads." (I know orange is his favorite color so I specifically called those out.) And he looked around the table, confused. I said, "Those beads you are playing with are orange." He said, "No they're not. They're red." We argued for a minute and once I came closer to where he was seated, I realized he was right. They were red (orangy red if I want to really still be right!).You see, I think we sometimes have so much else going on in our minds and our schedules that we forget to notice the small things. Our kids don't have nearly as much internal noise going on, so they have more space for noticing those things. But beyond the unimportant details of red beads versus orange beads, I found myself wondering what else I am not noticing.Perhaps that Adrian played by himself for several minutes without whining or needing anything from me? Or perhaps that he went to be last night without arguing? Or how about that he loves to run and play outside? Or how kind he was to his baby brother this morning?  Did I miss noticing that too? If I'm being honest, the truth is, yes. I did miss that. Because I didn't do the other thing Adrian is teaching me is so important: calling out what I notice.

Bring honor by calling out what you notice

I am ashamed to admit that I have noticed and thought so many positive things about so many people that I never shared with them for fear of looking silly or feeling inadequate. Perhaps it is Adrian's age that keeps him from having a filter, allowing him to share what he notices, or perhaps he will always be this way. Either way, his noticing almost always brings out the good around him. He brings honor to his siblings when he notices something special about them. Even when he notices (and awkwardly points out) someone who is taller or looks different from him, we use it as a teaching moment to engage in conversations with other people about the goodness of differences.

How can you notice something great in your child today AND call it out with them?

How can you notice something beautiful or good in your community AND share it with someone nearby?

How can you notice the hard work of someone who made your life simpler today AND share that with them?

Who could you honor by noticing today?#makewordsmatterforgood

The "dreaded" school supply list

I recently read this article from HuffPost and thought I could share some similar sentiments about our teachers. Our friends.Listen. I hate shopping for the things on the school supply list as much as the next person. And now having three kids in school, it is taking every single bit of my PhD education to make sure I get it right! Nonetheless, there are few people less acknowledged for their hard work and impact on our entire world than school teachers.  I truly believe that. If you think your work or job is harder or has greater impact, I encourage you to spend more time in a classroom. I don't say that to demean any other profession, I simply want to honor the truly remarkable work that all teachers do on a daily basis.

A glimpse of the morning of a teacher

Consider all that a teacher has to do in just the first hour of their job each day. Prepare their classroom, prepare their lessons, get materials for their lessons, perhaps a professional development meeting BEFORE school, check emails, prepare themselves mentally, prepare themselves emotionally, greet each child when they arrive, give instructions to each child about getting him/herself prepared for the day, ensure each child is doing what needs to be done.... (I could go on forever here...)This doesn't take into account the way teachers "see" every child and his or her needs.The way they adjust the wording of their instructions to ensure each child gets it.The way they look around the room to see whether any child needs academic or emotional assistance.  (Again, the list continues)I think we, as parents, remember the hard work of the day-to-day toward the end of summer when we are ready to pull our hair out! But I must admit, there were too many days last school year that I was numb to remembering how impactful my kids' teachers really were. My kids were growing. They were learning. They were sharing new things they had learned FROM THEIR TEACHER. 

Don't just think about it, take action

So as you are preparing to gather all of your school supplies, and perhaps as you purchase a few extras (as mentioned in the article above), might you also consider creating a monthly "Thank you" plan for your kids' teachers? Even as simply as a thank you card? Or a random act of kindness to show your gratitude towards them?  Last year during the month of December, my kids and I worked through a month of daily random acts of kindness. Several of these random acts included people from their school (e.g., telling the principal one great thing about their teacher, giving a candy bar to the custodial staff, writing a letter to their teacher, etc.).One thing I know for sure, no one has ever turned down kindness. And nothing but good comes from modeling kindness for our kids. photo cred: Pexels.com - nappy

Pros and cons of summer travel with kids

Summertime is a common time for travel since the kids are out of school. There's no need to worry about unexcused absences or missing homework. Fewer worries about the hustle and bustle of the school week. But as I have worked with kids in both the school year and summertime, I have realized there are pros and cons to the summer travel schedule. I will share those thoughts with you as you begin planning your final summer travel plans (or if you are REALLY ahead of the game -- planning for next summer's trip already!).

Pros to travelling in the summer

1. Obviously, they won't be missing school. This means there are no hoops to jump through for missing homework, pre-arranged absence forms, calling the school to tell them of the absence, etc.  Beyond the logistics though, the real benefit to not missing school is that they won't be missing instruction time from their teachers. Your child's teacher is uniquely trained to provide direct instruction to your child. And whether you agree with all of his or her approaches, I always remember to be thankful that my kids have someone other than me to learn from. In particular, someone with a degree in teaching.
2. Without the stress of school (on everyone - including your child), summertime is typically a less stress-filled time. Less stress typically means a more 'successful' vacation. The laidbackness of summer may be more conducive for travelling.
3. For some, there may be dual purpose travelling. Summertime is a common time for weddings and summer parties (see a recent post about surviving those parties here!). This means, you might be able to travel somewhere while also seeing friends or family. Maybe you have a summer family reunion in a fun place! You get to see a new place AND see family/friends. Double the fun!

Cons to travelling in the summer

1. Perhaps from your child's perspective, they aren't missing school. :)  Maybe you have a child who is a bit older and really desires going to school, but for most kids, the break from school is a welcomed idea! And frankly, for most of us, having a break from the monotone of work is something we would celebrate. For some kids I've seen in therapy, I have recommended the parents schedule a mental health day for their child one afternoon a month. This means picking them up around lunchtime and having a fun afternoon with just mom or dad to give a break from schoolwork, peers, instruction, rules, etc. I can't tell you how powerful this small change has been for many of my clients, and may be for your child, too!
2. It's a common time to travel, so it might be crowded and expensive. What I have learned from many parents I have talked to, and learned in my own life, crowds and kids do not usually go well together. When something is crowded, it usually means waiting, cramped spaces, and increased agitation. Does any of that sound like fun?? Not to me either! Or our kids! Knowing this, it might be helpful to prepare for this ahead of time. Play games while waiting in line for the amusement park ride. Heads Up (app on iPhone), I Spy, and 20 questions are good for just about any age.  If you are in a crowded area for a bit of time, try to find an open space to get some reprieve where they can run and stretch out.
3. Breaking up the summer routine - which is usually a routine kids love - may be more challenging than you think. You know how when you go on vacation, by about the 3rd or 4th or 5th day, you find yourself wanting to "get back home and into the routine again." It's a really similar thing for our kids. They get into a groove in the summertime, and while they may love summer travel, it disrupts that routine. Then you have to get into a vacation routine for a week and then back to summer routine again. As I type this out, we are leaving for a 4-day trip with family, I am realizing how much the back and forth and back might impact my little guys! Remembering this out-of-the-norm may just cause them to be a little bit off balance will help keep you from becoming overly frustrated with their minor (or major) behavior problems.

In the end, kids are resilient and will adjust, not matter where we drag them to! As you are considering your next summer trip, consider your child (or children) and whether some of these pros and cons might also ring true for them!Happy Travelling! photo cred: Pixabay

Bookends. With your time.

As a psychologist who works mostly with kids and families, I have seen time and time again that so often the best healer of mental health problems in our kids is simply more quality time with parents. In fact, sometimes, I would see a family just once or twice and "prescribe" them some quality family time together because I truly believed they didn't really need therapy, they just needed each other.

The 10-20-10 rule

I was recently reading another parenting book that talked about a 10-20-10 rule for spending time with our kids. Ten minutes in the morning, 20 minutes after school or work, and 10 minutes in the evening. Bookend your time together and then a bonus in the middle!

A couple of years ago, I conducted a short survey with parents.  I asked them approximately how much time they spend attending to their child throughout the day. The average was approximately 22 minutes. Just 22 minutes! Unfortunately, this is consistent with what other researchers have found as well (some of them reported even fewer minutes with our kids).

Although this sounds low, I framed the question as this: "How much time do you spend fully attending to your child?"  In my workshops, I share this information alongside the parallel question: "How much time do you spend fully attending to your work/email/phone/etc.?" When thinking about it with these two parallel questions, parents are almost always shocked at how unbalanced their time tends to be.

Pairing

Similar to the bookend rule, I teach a parent-child connection tool called pairing. This strategy involves spending intentional time with your child to reconnect immediately following any time away from one another.  Pairing and the 10-20-10 rule are two simple parenting strategies that are often the key to connecting with your child and minimizing problem behavior from them.

So how do you spend your morning time with you child? How about time in the evenings? Or in the middle of the day?

The biggest thing to remember is that we want to have that time be intentionally about your child's interest.If they want to talk about legos for 10 minutes, let them! If they want to tell you a six-minute recall of something they did yesterday, encourage it! So often, it's these small moments that mean the most to our kids (and us too!).

Make a commitment

Can you commit to spending quality time in the morning, evening, and sometime in the middle of the day? 

What might that look like? For me, it is almost always a warm greeting in the morning - hugs, cuddles, smiles. I am not as great in the evenings because sometimes I feel too tired! But I love reading or just laying in the bed next to the kids to talk about what matters to them that day. I always, always cherish those moments with them. What do you want that to look like for you? Remember - be intentional!

 Sidenote: As I was working on a title for this post, I realized that it might not be too long before bookends become obsolete! They may become like phones on the wall with the curly cord that we used to use before cell phones (that my kids wonder what the heck they are!). Photo Cred: Pexels.com Huynh Dat

Developing natural awareness

For the last year or so, I have been working to develop better skills with rest. If I am being honest, I don't rest well. My mind is always churning with ideas, thoughts, information. Beyond ideas, I also really have to fight to quiet those inner voices of self-doubt, judgment, and fear.As a psychologist and faculty member, I believe I am continually developing. As I have been reading and studying about mindfulness, as well as attempting the practice of meditation, I realize how much of a skill rest really is for me. I need practice with it. (Like a lot of practice!)  And sometimes it is hard to want to keep practicing something you don't feel that great at right away.And so I continue to work to find the right type of mindfulness strategy. Recently, I came across Diana Winston's book, The Little book of being: Practices and guidance for uncovering your natural awareness.  And although I am not finished reading it, I noticed a few things right away that have stuck with me.Primarily, mindfulness is one of those things that you can't really force. You can't push yourself too far into it, because that is the opposite of what mindfulness is meant to do. She discusses the idea of natural awareness defined as "a way of knowing and a state of being wherein our focus is on the awareness itself rather than on the things we are aware of. It is generally relaxed, effortless, and spacious. (p. 12)"

Relaxed. Effortless. And Spacious.  YES!!!  I want a double dose of that!

It made me ponder. How often does my mind feel relaxed? Effortless? Spacious?  That last one, spacious, felt like an entirely new world for me. I had never thought about wanting my mind to feel spacious. And yet, as I pondered, it really resonated with me. In a world where we are feeling crunched for time, for money, for energy - and there never seems to be enough of any of it - spaciousness sounds like a good antidote to 'never enough' doesn't it??So how do we do that?  Well, I am not an expert here, but I know for sure that it is critical to teach our kids how to rest well. Maybe that means teaching them mindfulness techniques. Seeing beauty in unusual spaces. Practicing gratitude, not just thankfulness. Or maybe that comes in the form of yoga or breathing exercises. Perhaps it is a progressive muscle relaxation. Maybe it is just sitting on the couch in the quiet of the house together.  Or even better yet, maybe it means asking them what they would like to do for rest today. You might be surprised at what you hear from them!I want to hear from you all...what is your best technique for rest? And uncovering YOUR natural awareness?#makewordsmatterforgood #practicerest #practicenaturalawarenessPhoto Cred - Pexels.com Pok Rie 

The vulnerabity of hope 2

I recently posted about the importance of hope and realized that hope, like joy, may be more challenging that we initially think.  Because both hope and joy require vulnerability from us. They require positive expectancy that, when not fulfilled, can sometimes lead to hurt and disappointment. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't get your hopes up."?  I have heard that a lot in my life. And what I am realizing now is that this phrase is really the opposite of what I want to model for my kids. I want to model vulnerability. Joy. Hopefulness. Even though there is risk of disappointment.The interesting thing I learned as I was studying hope was what I found as I explored the antonyms. And before I share, I want for you to consider… what is the opposite of hope for you?Initially, I thought – “hopeless.” Or perhaps “despair.”But as I read more about hope, I found some additional opposites of hope to be distrust, doubt, fear, and hatred. I began to ponder. All of those antonyms are fear-based. They perpetuate fear. They encourage negativity. They are the opposite of vulnerability.You see, to have hope when things are darkest is to be vulnerable enough to share that you are in the dark. And that can be a hard thing to do! But this can also be one of our biggest defining moments as parents. When we share that we are still dreaming and hoping in the darkest times, we are showing our kids that they should never give up. And more importantly, to not be afraid. So as you face challenging times, I believe we must be purposeful with the language we use to describe how we feel during those moments. If you find yourself using phrases like, “It’s never going to get better.” Or “it is always going to be this way.” – Those “always” and “never” phrases are not hope-driven. They share a message of hopelessness. Instead, choose phrases like, “It feels really hard right now, but I know we are strong enough to move forward from here.” Or “I know it is scary, but we both know how hard you work.” Moreover, if you hear your child using “always” or “never” statements, it is important to shift that language for them as well!Reflect – When I face challenging situations, how do I model the resiliency to stay hopeful? Do I allow my children to see and hear those things from me so they can learn as well?  What types of “always” or “never” phrases should I rephrase? 

Hard Conversations: Suicide

I recently offered an online series about how to have hard conversations with kids about a variety of topics. I selected four broad topics based on my 15 years of working with parents and kids to include: 1. sex and body image, 2. death and loss, 3. race and individual differences, and 4. big emotions. During the death and loss discussion, I considered the subtopic of suicide, but decided to leave it out of the more general discussion about death and loss.  As I have been pondering that decision, I continued to feel an internal urge to include it. As I read news stories and social media posts about kids and teens who lost their life to suicide, I continued to feel the need to share tips about this hard conversation with you all. And so, here it is! (And there will be more "Hard Conversations: blog posts to come! So be sure to check back and follow us on Facebook!)You see, conversations about suicide, like many other hard topics, carry with them this stigma that convinces us (me included!) that we should just avoid talking about it until "we need to."  Or until it "comes up." And here is the real truth... none of us will ever want this topic to come up. Ever. And so it is our responsibility to crush that stigma. To de-bunk the myths about suicide. And the only way to do that is to talk about it. Openly.But how do we do that? Here are a few concerns that I often hear (that align with common myths about suicide).Concern #1: "If I talk about suicide, I am planting a seed that they should think about or commit suicide." (#myth)

• There is no other way to say it, except that this just isn't truth. When kids feel they are allowed to talk about something, it almost always is a sense of relief and support - not a thought of wanting to end their life.
• When you talk to them about it, be mindful that you are focused on listening more than teaching. Listen to their worries or sadness. Share your feelings of sadness about this type of loss. And listen as they share theirs. Again, our goal with this is not to educate them on suicide, but to listen and hear their feelings - sending the message that you will want to hear their feelings in the future as well!

Concern #2: "My child would never commit suicide, so it doesn't seem relevant and I don't want to scare them." (#myth #relevance)

• This is a tough one. I don't think any parents believe their child would want to end their own life. But I assure you, it is relevant to them. They may know someone who is struggling and can be a support to that other child. They might be sad about losing someone they know and need to feel supported in those feelings. Based on all of my conversations with kids and teens in the therapy room, talking about hard things doesn't make them feel scared, it makes them feel loved and supported. It helps them to feel empowered to be the light for someone else as well. And many times, it is just this tiny light of hope that a person needs to keep going.

Concern #3: "My teen doesn't really want to talk to me." or "I have tried to talk with them and they seem uncomfortable." (#copout #plantseeds #leanIN)

• Let's put this out there -- most teens don't want to talk to their parents...about anything. I often tell parents that even if their teen is uncomfortable, just plant the seed and move on. Don't keep pushing the conversation, but you may have to lean in to being a little uncomfortable to plant the seed that you want them to know how much you care about them so you want them to know a few things about suicide.

Helpful hints for this hard conversation:

1. Determine what your message will be. Here are a few good ones for this conversation:
   1. You are NEVER alone. Even if you feel like you are the only one in the world who feels the way you do, you are NEVER alone. We are always here for you.
   2. We love you. We love you. We love you.
   3. You matter. Your life matters. Your future matters
2. Once you have a message that you want to share, also prepare and practice the points you want to make within that message. Remember, you are just planting seeds (over and over). So you don't need to get it all out at once. Start with the most important point and continue with the other points you want to make for future conversations.
3. Start the conversation with something that you recently saw or read. For instance, "Hey Mya. I want to show you this story I read on Facebook about a teen who was depressed. And I just want to talk with you about how you are feeling."  OR  "Hey, I read this blog today and it reminded me that I need to talk more openly with you about suicide."  Many parents I have worked with found this a helpful way to start the conversation and THEN remember, don't lecture. listen. show empathy.

Below are a couple of other great resources for you to start the conversation as well.

• The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry has many great resources - this article about suicide in teens and kids being one of them!
• Healthy Children is also a great website, from pediatricians, with a great article about 10 ways parents can prevent suicide. Check it out!

There are many more great resources out there to help you with the conversation. Mostly, just remember you have the power to make your words matter for good!photo cred: pexels.com (George Becker) 

Interested in starting a new group near you about how to have hard conversations? Or have a small group of folks who want to do a 4-week video series? Email me! beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com

The importance of HOPE (in a world that sometimes can feel hopeless)

I’m a "word" person. I have always been fascinated with words. I used to grab my thesaurus and look up synonyms and antonyms for words. Just for fun.  (I know…it’s strange – don’t judge).You know how every once in a while, you will have that experience where you hear a certain song a few times or see a certain person or car a few times, or hear a phrase or word a few times and feel like the universe is trying to tell you something?  I have this happen from time to time and usually try to settle into it to see what the message might be for me.Recently, the word I have heard over and over is HOPE.And so, being the word-person that I am, I began looking into the word HOPE.

You probably won’t be surprised to know the word hope means “longing; dream”

I think we often think of the word hope as being related to longing for something or dreaming of something.I love so many of the synonyms for hope:

• Anticipation
• Aspiration
• Desire
• Expectation
• Faith
• Optimism
• Promise
• Wish
• Reverie

Sidenote: (oh.my.goodness. This word, Reverie. Can we just commit to using this beautiful word more frequently in our day-to-day language?? What a beautiful word! If we could all just sit in “reverie” once a week or so…I think the world would be a better place for sure!!)Those synonyms for hope are so important to use with our kids. Daily. Multiple times a day. To show them the importance dreaming for something. But more than that, not just saying the word "hope", but actually modeling hope. Modeling the excitement and anticipation of something you are dreaming about. And then modeling the persistence it takes to reach those dreams and goals that you have hoped for. This last part can be challenging, but is an important part in showing our kids that hope can be the fuel to achieving dreams.After watching the news or feed on social media, I sometimes find myself falling into hopelessness. "What is happening to our country?"  "What is making so much evil in our world?" or similar thoughts. Perhaps these thoughts might cross your mind from time to time as well.  But I truly believe we, as parents and teachers, have the ability to change that with our words and actions.  We can encourage conversation about HOPE!Ask your kids, what do they HOPE happens next week? What do you DREAM about being next year (or 5 years) or 10 years!?  Take time to be explicit in your conversations about dreams and hope (beyond "what do you want to be when you grow up?").Share below what you learn!! And #makewordsmatterforgood!  

So what's the real story about our kids and screen time??

Screen time. Two little words - filled with so many ideas, judgments, worries, and advice. If there is a hot topic in the world of parenting, it is the "appropriate" limit for screen time.Shout out to my good friend, Jennifer H., who shared a BBC article written about worrying less about quantity of your child's screen time and more about the consequences of that screen time. I often remind parents that there isn't a magic number of hours or minutes that is "best" for kids. In fact, like most things related to parenting, what is good for one child is not the same for another child.  The article shares a series of questions to assess whether screen time is a problem for your child. Here is what they say:

• "Is your family's screen time under control?
• Does screen use interfere with what your family wants to do?
• Does screen use interfere with sleep?
• Are you able to control snacking during screen time?"  (Therrien & Wakefield, 2018)

While I believe these questions are an important starting point, my questions for parents are typically more related to the purpose and content of the screen time. For instance:

• Is your son playing videogames with a friend at your house for 30-45 minutes as a way to socialize? Then it is probably okay.  If the play goes on for 2-5 hours, then maybe we should encourage another way to interact with his peers.
• Do you allow tablet time while you cook dinner just to keep the peace during that otherwise hectic time? Great idea! (Consider the alternative... you are stressed because the kids keep arguing with one another and you are constantly yelling at them for the duration of the 30-45 minutes of cooking dinner.... NOT a better alternative to the screen time)
• Do you allow them to watch a movie during "quiet time" in the afternoon so you can grasp some alone time for an hour or two to catch up on laundry, dishes, or Netflix?  Okay! Again, is the alternative that you are so frustrated and burned out that you are irritable and angry??
• Are they watching age-appropriate videos about a topic of interest to learn additional ways of engaging with the world? For instance, my 5-year-old loves to watch videos about marble races. After a few weeks of him watching those, I noticed he started tinkering more with his own marble run - becoming more creative with attaching new pieces and other parts of other toys. Granted....he started using a LOT of scotch tape in the process....but hey, he was learning how the world worked - developing lots of good cognitive and independent play skills along the way.

You see. When you consider the alternatives, it doesn't seem like such a horrible thing. Now, I am not suggesting we allow our kids to play on tablets or computers all day! They NEED to be around other people to learn social skills. They need to be active to release energy from their bodies. But, in moderation, a little screen time is okay.Here are a few suggestions:

1. Always monitor the content. We certainly don't want our little guys to be exposed to "adult content".  Our younger kids do not have the cognitive capacity for understanding fiction from non-fiction. So if they are watching adult content (either sex or violence), you are likely to see them start acting out in their own lives. So just be continually checking in about what they are watching. I also recommend you check their search history. Sometimes it can go from benign curiosity and a few clicks later, "butt cheeks" (a common obsession for 5-9 year-old boys) turns into something X-rated.
2. Be wary of social media. While their are lots of ideas about specific screen time limits, we don't have a ton of consistent research that says screen time, in appropriate doses will permanently harm your child. On the other hand, we have better evidence for the dangers of social media and cyber bullying. This doesn't mean social media is banned, but it also means you have to monitor their use. Typically, I recommend waiting for social media until they are in middle or high school (or seem mature enough to be trusted with the freedom of social media use).
3. Teach your child how to use technology for good. Learn a new language. Learn a new math trick. Watch a cool video on a new craft or science project. Just yesterday, my 9-year-old and I watched a great video on growing crystals for his science fair project. Watching that video got him super excited about doing his science project!  You can find videos on just about anything out there!

And truly, my bigger issue is not with the child's screen time, but with the PARENT's screen time. Even as adults, we can get sucked in to our phones, laptops, or favorite show. While we are sucked in, whether we realize it or not, we are modeling a couple of things:

1. We are ignoring them when we are focused on screens. I am not saying we need to attend to our kids every second of the day. But we have to realize that while we are zoned in to a screen, we are not zoned in to our kids. A good friend of mine, Christina S., always reminds her kids "People are more important than electronics." I am sure we would all agree with her, so be sure to remind yourself of that if you need! (I know I need reminded myself sometimes!!)
2. We are modeling a value of screen time. Let me say that another way.... when we watch hours of television at a time, we model for our kids that this behavior is okay.  There is no judgment from me here! I have done my share of binge watching Netflix. What I am hoping to get across is that we cannot get upset with our kids when they watch hours of television or videogames if we model that same thing. Be the example you want for your kids.
3. Develop and consistently model screen-free time. What times of day will be sacred for technology-free time? Make a time-out box for the screens during a specific time of day. Get out a few board games or puzzles. Turn on dance music and have a dance party. Have them help with dinner. The point here is that this sacred time is focused on family and EVERYONE is committed to being screen free during that time.
4. Put your phone out of sight when you are having a conversation. Nothing is more distracting and annoying that when you have your phone sitting out during a conversation. The message it portrays to the other person you talking to is that you are just a "ding" away from being second-best. Imagine, you are in the middle of a sentence and the person you are talking to gets a notification on their phone. So mid-sentence, they look down to see who/what it is.  Think about that...how do you feel? Second best? I think that is how most of us feel. So when you are having a conversation, with your child or anyone else, put your phone out of sight to minimize that distraction. Be present with that person so you can let them know what they mean to you!

As I continue to consider how to use technology for the best possibilities in my own life and the lives of my kids, I know these are just constant reminders for all of us. Here's to finding the balance! photo cred (pexels.com - Bruce Mars)   

This year's focus - Breathe

A couple of years ago, I attended a women in leadership seminar where the speaker challenged us to consider the most important word for our year. I skeptically thought to myself, "How could I possibly focus on just ONE word, ALL YEAR??"

#someoneshouldatoldmethen#shouldabeenasignIwasdoingtoomuch#that'swhatfocusreallyis

Nonetheless, I chose my word that year as Faith.  It was a time in my life when I really needed to let go of needing to be in charge of everything (something I am still working on!) and allow God to lead me to finding purpose.Remarkably, as I found myself choosing to be mindful of that word that year, I actually found myself feeling less anxious about being the "perfect mom."  Or even a great mom all the time. I was living in this anxiety of always needing to keep it together in public (and at home so my kids wouldn't tell their friends or teachers) so that my JOB as a child psychologist would not seem hypocritical. I often found myself thinking..."If I can't keep my own kids 'in order', how would anyone possibly trust me to help them with their children??"

I chose to have FAITH that it would be okay.

So I allowed them to run in circles in the grocery store.I allowed them to make farting noises in the elevator.I allowed them to sing as they ordered their food at the fast food restaurant.Because the truth is, none of those things is actually inappropriate for boys/kids their age. None of those things is harmful to them or anyone else. I mean, who really decided those things were banned from grocery stores, elevators, and restaurants??  Mostly us, adults, who really struggle to know how to infuse fun and laughter into our everyday lives.When I focused on FAITH, I allowed my kids to be kids, without forcing them to fit within a box that "WE" have decided they should be in.  And more than anything, my anxiety was not about their well-being. It was about other people's judgment of me as a mother and a woman. I felt the stares when they would be hyper in the store. I saw the heads shaking as my son would throw the giant ball into the elastic-banded TOWER of BALLS at the store (I mean... really?!?!? who doesn't want to just throw those balls into the tower every time they walk past??).  But at the end of the day, it wasn't about their inappropriate behavior - it was other people's judgment of me "not having control" of my kids.  And with this one life I have with them, I suppose I have two choices. 1. Never go out in public. or 2. Stop worrying about others' expectations of how my kids should behave.

Anyone else struggle here?? Let me tell you, you are not alone. And if I ever see you out, I promise not to judge.

So as I continue to choose to have FAITH that it will be okay, I am still working on allowing them to be who they are in public. There are four of them afterall! That is a lot of craziness in the store sometimes! :)Fast forward to this year.  I have contemplated a few words for this coming year. Balance. Rest. Peace. But the best word I have found to capture what I dream for 2019 is BREATHE. It absolutely encapsulates all of my goals and dreams for this year.

1. When I find myself becoming anxious about what others think of me - I will just BREATHE and be reminded that... I am enough.
2. When I am working on my yoga practice (something I have had a LOVE/HATE relationship with for years)... I will BREATHE.
3. When I am feeling stressed about work or kids or life... I will BREATHE.
4. When my kids are challenging me with their behavior or words... I will remember to BREATHE so I can pause to figure out the best way to respond.
5. As I ponder my next steps in my career... I will BREATHE and practice meditating on what God has for me.

Whatever your goal or focus for 2019 (and beyond), I encourage you to find a word. And you will be amazed at how helpful it is that you can live into that word...but also, how often you encounter that word in your life!So.... what's your word?? photo cred (pexels.com - rawpixel)

Daily Reminder - Week 7 - Find and share humor

Laughter is the best. It is contagious, isn't it?  You hear a child laughing and you can't help but also find yourself giggling. This week, I want to challenge us all to use laughter and humor to connect with our kids. That might be telling a silly joke every morning (if you need help with jokes, there are lots of them - just google it! I found this website very quickly - 108 jokes for kids)For some of you, that might mean dressing up or doing something silly/crazy with your kids. Maybe you wake them up with a song you just wrote for them. :)No matter how you do it, just try to get your kids (and yourself!) laughing more this week. After the holidays this past week, I think we could all use a little more giggles anyway!  (Maybe it will help us all survive the holiday break away from school!photo cred (pexels.com -Archie Binamira )

Daily Reminder - Week 6 - Make their favorite meal

I have talked about how I believe Gary Chapman missed the 6th Love Language of cooking.  I use the topic of love languages a lot in therapy and I think most people find it to be helpful. For me, my love language is hospitality and cooking for others, my family included.  A couple of years ago, I attempted a creative birthday gift for my husband that I called "The birthday of favorites." I bought him several of his favorite food items (Ruffles chips, donuts, candy, etc.), a favorite movie, and other small things he loves in an attempt to show him how much I was thinking of him on his birthday.This week, I challenge us to think about how we can make our kids feel special by cooking (or buying - I am not above that!) their favorite meal. Each of my kids has a favorite meal to eat and when we have that on the table, their joy is so much fun to see! If you don't know what they love, this could be a good time to spend some time learning that!  Feel free to expand this to your partner or family members as well. I think all people love to feel our love of them through sharing a meal together.photo cred (pexels.com - Ronmar Lacamiento)

Daily Reminder - Week 5 - Gratitude

My kids don't know it yet, but I am working on a gratitude scrapbook for them for Christmas. A couple of months ago, I found myself in a place of feeling pretty low. I felt like I wasn't doing enough to connect with my kids. I worried I wasn't spending enough time connecting with friends or family. I would become too quickly irritated by small misbehaviors from my kids that otherwise would have been no big deal.  In short, I was focusing on all the ways I felt "not enough" and none of the ways I should be grateful for a million other things.

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” – Anonymous

I found this quote as I was browsing the internet and thought it was so true. If I could focus on the million little things that go well each day, I could feel less consumed by "not enough" and more consumed with "I am so grateful."This week, I want to challenge you to make a list of ALL the things you are grateful for with your kids (and partner!). Here are a few from my list:

• I love that you do your morning routine without arguing.
• I love that you work hard at school.
• I love that you make your own oatmeal.
• I love that you help with your brothers.
• I love that you don't argue about a shower.  :)
• I love that you love me so well.
• I love that you say "I'm sorry." when you have done something wrong.
• I love that you are kind to your friends.
• I love that you don't obsess about video games.
• I love that you have a great jump shot.
• I love that you wash your hands when you come inside without having to be told.

As I thought about things to include on my list, I found myself thinking about some of the things other people complain that their kids do - that mine don't. But that I didn't really think about until now. I simply took those things for granted. My charge for us is to not be stuck in taking things for granted. It really stinks when people take things we do for granted and I don't want to fall into that with my kids or spouse.So this week, begin working on a scrapbook (or list if you aren't scrapbooky) that you can gift your children about the small ways you are grateful for their behavior. We tell them a lot about all the things we don't like that they do, so now it is time to flip that script for them! Have fun reflecting on all the great things about your kid!photo cred (pexels.com - Carl Attard)

Weekly Reminder - Week 4 - Leave surprise love notes

I  have written about love notes to our kids before. In an era when our kids are continually flooded with information from websites, texts, and tweets, I want to continue to be a competing presence for them. From time to time, I write a note in my kids' lunchboxes for them to open when they get to lunch. (I used to do this daily and have gotten out of the habit of doing it.) I love the idea of them remembering my words to them several hours after they have left me in the morning. I hope this brings them a sweet reminder of my voice in their minds about how much they mean to me.  Recently, I noticed my daughter was packing her lunch and she had several of the notes saved in the top part of her lunchbox. Seeing this is what inspired me to include this here.

Even though our kids might not acknowledge it, we matter to them. Our words and sweet love notes matter to them.

This week, find a way to leave little notes for your child for them to find. You can leave a note for them on their pillow. Or how about in their lunchbox? Or maybe in their backpack? Yes...it might be three or four days until they find it...but the joy they will experience when they do!  These notes don't need to be long. Just a quick reminder of how much you love them or how thankful you are for their creativity or hard work. Anything that shows them you are thinking of them in a positive way.

“Gratitude is a powerful catalyst for happiness. It’s the spark that lights a fire of joy in your soul.” – Amy Collette

photo cred (pexels.com - Frans Van Heerden)

Weekly Reminder - Week 3 - Celebrate!

So this one might seem crazy, but I think our kids love when we are crazy.  You know how there are like crazy holidays on any given day? Like... did you know December 30 is National Bacon Day??!!  And Praise Jesus.... December 6 is "Put your own shoes on Day!!"  Anyone else celebrating that day?!?This week, I want for us to surprise our kids with a giant celebration (yes...I said GIANT! - like go-all-out sorta party...) for one of the strange national holidays.  For instance, December is Bingo month. Wanna have your most elaborate game of bingo??  December 5 is Bathtub party day. Now who doesn't love a good bathtub party??Here are a few websites with various strange holidays:

• http://www.holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/december.htm
• https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/fun/
• https://www.brownielocks.com/december.html

The whole point of this is to show our kids that we can still be fun, joyful, and silly. They need to see this side of us.I can't wait to see how this helps them engage with you!

Weekly Reminder - Week 2 - Defining moments

I recently did a talk with a large group of middle schoolers about defining moments. The focus of this was multi-fold. First, to get them to see we have small decisions everyday that can make a huge impact to who we are and how people view us. Second, to expand their worldview to see that people who are different from them may share some of the same defining moments. And third, to continue to spread the word about making words matter for good!This idea of "defining moments" is one that I use in therapy with my child and adolescent clients. I think we can all relate to the idea of a moment in time that gives the opportunity to show the world who we are. A moment where a decision can shape us to a better son, daughter, husband, wife, friend, etc. In my opinion, it is really just a series of defining moments in time that make up who we are and how everyone else views us. Let me give you some examples:Big defining moments:

• Graduating from high school or college
• Getting a new job
• Moving to a new house
• Losing a friend or a pet
• Parents divorcing
• Watching a loved one become very ill

These BIG defining moments shape who we are over the course of time.

If we lost a pet when we were a child, we might find that we are more sensitive to animals. If we got a new job that we are especially proud of, we might find ourselves experiencing more pride in other areas of our life as well. Consider YOUR big defining moments. What would they be?  This week, find time to share them with your child.THEN, talk with them about how there are also smaller defining moments everyday.  One of my values as a parent is to raise children who are kind. Above all else, be kind. My kids are probably so sick of hearing me talk about being kind to friends, siblings, and adults!!! So, I use this value to thread my parenting decisions. When they are arguing with one another about who sits in the front....I remind them of what it would look like to be kind in this situation. When they push one another for legos. I tell them they weren't being kind.  While this might sound "therapist-y" - it continually speaks to them about what my value is.And then it shows them how each small decision they make gives them an opportunity to show that characteristic (or not).

Smaller, everyday defining moments show the world who we have become (and are still becoming).

Take a moment this week to share your defining moments, teach about defining moments, and enter a conversation about defining moments for them. Then, as the weeks and years go by, continue to evaluate those as they grow! Can't wait to hear how it goes!!photo cred (pexels.com - Daniel Kux)

Weekly reminder - Week 1 - Schedule a date!

It's a Monday.  And it has felt like a Monday for me today. Some good things, some things that, well.... just feel like a Monday.A few weeks ago, I was embarking on an experiment to engage in a Daily Reminder to help make myself a better mother, friend, wife, human.  I have loved seeing and hearing all of the stories of how people have responded so well to this idea. But I also know that many of you had the admission that "I am a little behind" in keeping up with them daily. I absolutely get that! Trust me...there were days that I was like..."Oh man...I gotta go do that!"So I have decided to try a WEEKLY goal.  I think this might still get us focused on the intentionality that I was aiming for, without falling behind.I was having dinner with some friends this weekend and we began talking about whether or not we find intentional, one-on-one time with each of our kids. Each of the mothers at the table admitted we do our best, but not at the frequency that we would prefer.And so, our first weekly reminder is to schedule a date with each of our kids (and our spouses!).I think it would be ideal to look at the next month and put a date on the calendar for each of them. Because here's the thing, if we treat it like any other appointment we have, we won't miss it. It is only when we forget to put it on the calendar that it slips through the cracks.Remember, our kids and spouses don't need extravagance from us. They don't need hours at a time. They just need intentional time with us. That might be ice cream after school. It might mean shooting hoops in the yard. It might mean donuts before school. Or an extra book before bedtime. The only rule here is that it CAN'T be something that you would typically do normally. Let's push ourselves to be better than that.I would also like to push us for it NOT to be driving in the car to and/or from something.  Believe it or not, kids don't love driving in the car AND they won't see that as special time with you. Trust me...I have had many talks with kids and parents about this minor detail. Parents say, "I spend one-on-one time with you all the time. We drive to practice together. I take you to dance. I sit and watch while you dance." And the child responds with, "Yeah...but you HAVE to do that."  :)Let's do this! Schedule a date today!