The Daily Reminder - Day 10: Physical Health + Exercise

Building muscle and doing cardio workouts are both crucial to physical health. So today, we will aim to do both!I am not going to put too many parameters on this because I know we all have a wide range of physical abilities. But, I think the main goal here should be to get both a strength workout in and a cardio workout in as well. Try to push yourself beyond where you have pushed in the past. If you have run 1 mile before - try to go 1.5. If you have done 10 pound weights for 15 reps, try 15 pounds.  I find that most days, if I am pushed a little harder, I work a little harder. If I go to workout on my own, I tend to get lazy. That's why I love challenges like this or classes where a trainer will push me beyond my comfort level.I hope you will see how much further you can push yourself today!Recap from Day 9Here's the interesting thing. Before yesterday, I believed I drink a pretty decent amount of water. After CHUGGING water like 6 times yesterday as if I am a 21-year-old downing cheap draft beer - I now realize that I am no where near where I should be with water intake! Seriously. I felt like I was re-living my old go-to-the-bar-on-Thursdays kind of drinking (only this time it was water!).  I ended up drinking about 112 ounces of water yesterday and my body felt great! But I really had to TRY to drink that much. I had to intentionally take long drinks to get all of that water in.I almost always carry a water bottle with me throughout the day. But apparently it is more like an accessory - because I am just taking sips throughout the day. I now know I am going to have to really tip it back to get all that water in!How did others do with water?

The Daily Reminder - Day 9: Physical Health + Water

Drinking water is an obvious need for our physical health, but perhaps not as often a focus. I do not believe I need to explain the reasons for why drinking water is important, but the amount of water that is recommended we drink appears to vary from 9 cups a day to 13.5 cups a day (72 oz to 108 oz).My goal is to drink 100 oz of water today. I realize that many fruits and vegetables have lots of water in them as well - which goes into that 100 oz - but I am going to challenge myself to get all 100 oz in (on top of fruits and veggies today).Happy drinking! (And peeing! lol)Recap from Day 8Okay y'all. Yesterday was harder than I really want to admit. It is clear that my body is addicted to sugar and my brain triggers habitual eating. These are not new revelations to me. I have been fighting these two things for some time now. And I will go a few weeks without sugar, but then fall right back into dessert after lunch AND dinner (eek). In addition to the little bites of this or that - all filled with sugar! UGH!I also found that several times yesterday I had to physically stop my hand from reaching for a handful of crackers as I plated my kids' food or a few chips as I made them a snack. One of the main roles I serve in my family is to take care of all things food related (i.e., cook, grocery shop, etc.). I love to cook. And I love to eat. And it has become a habit for me to walk into the kitchen and just grab a handful of whatever snack is laying out or closest in the pantry - none of which is great for my body. I have tried just about every trick in the book - keep a bowl of fruit out on the counter, put the junk food out of reach, etc. But guess what...if I am the one who is "hiding" the food higher on the shelf...guess who knows where it is!  lolPart of why I wanted to include physical health in this challenge is because I know it is a struggle for me and I have spent a lot of time talking with other women (and men) in therapy about their struggles, too.  Just know you aren't alone. photo cred pexels.com (snapwire)

The Daily Reminder - Day 8: Physical Health + Food

We've made it to our second week of focused goals!  This week's focus will be on our physical health.I want to fully disclose that I am not a personal trainer or dietitian. I am not a physician. I only want to share some simple ideas that could benefit all of us. I am hoping to make it focused enough that I can keep you accountable, but also flexible enough to capture each person's physical health/needs. Here goes!Today, my goal is for us to focus on limiting those foods that, in excess, are not good for us. So today, I challenge you to skip all dessert/treats, and try to limit your simple carbs (e.g., white bread, pasta, crackers, etc.). Make conscious decisions to eat more fruits, vegetables, and healthy proteins. In short, my goal is to be intentional about eating today - rather than just mindless shoving food in my mouth. :) Recap from Week 1 with my kidsAs I reflect back on my time each day with my kids, it is hard for me to choose just one thing that felt most impactful.  I know the play day was a really fun day with the kids and they really noticed the difference, but I also really appreciated how I felt when I was focused on giving them compliments about their character as well. I think the good news is that any of the 7 things we did over the past week could all be great options to continue because it seemed my kids loved all of them!Which day felt most impactful for your family?photo cred pexels.com (Pixabay)

The Daily Reminder - Day 7: Kids + Cuddles

The final day of our week of focusing on kids will focus on hugs and cuddles. And where I am today, the forecast looks dreary and perfect for cuddling!Today's focus is pretty straightforward.  Spend intentional time hugging and cuddling with our kids to let them know how much we love them.  Many of our kids especially love physical touch and today's focus will be just for them!My goal is to try to hug or cuddle as often as I can without it feeling smothering to them. I will continue throughout the day until they tell me they don't want cuddles anymore! I am actually interested to see which kid says something first.... :) Recap from Day 6I am a psychologist, so I have spent lots of time being trained in the skill of listening. But I realized yesterday that I sometimes "listen" while I am doing other things (like texting, or writing an email, or cooking) if my kids have a story to tell me. That's not really listening.That's more like hearing. My ears are hearing you and my brain is processing what you are saying, but I am not connecting with you.True listening = connection.What I found yesterday is that I need to pause to give the eye contact that tells them I am listening and interested in what they are saying. I am really thankful for that reminder while my kids are pre-teenagers - knowing they will naturally continue to rely more on their friends than their parents as they move into that stage.  If I can continue to practice that listening and connecting with eye contact, they will remember how much it means to me that they WANT to share things with me.How are folks doing? Still with me out there?photo cred pexels.com (rawpixel)

The Daily Reminder - Day 6: Kids + Listening

Just two more days of kid-focused goals. Today, the goal is about listening. The art of listening involves paying attention to what they are saying, how they are saying it, and frankly...what they aren't saying - to capture the entire message from our kids. But more importantly, we also need to focus on what their behavior is saying to us.Today, I will ask three thoughtful questions of each of my kids. Not just any question, but ones that I hope to get some thoughtful responses and then I will LISTEN.

I will stop what I am doing.

I will intentionally look and hear their words.

I will not interrupt them. I will not fix it. I will not offer my advice.

I will just listen.

And draw more information from them with encouraging words like, "That sounds cool, tell me more about that." or "Wow, I can't believe that. What else?" - just simple phrases that will let them know I am interested in hearing more and that I am listening.Here are a couple of examples of what I am thinking:

• "What makes you love gymnastics? basketball? cars?"
• "Where would you like to go on a trip? and why?"
• "What is your favorite thing we do as a family?"

Anyone else have ideas for great, thoughtful questions for your kids?Happy listening!Recap from Day 5It is such an amazing thing that I have felt great these last 5 days without my usual tendencies of trying to do it all, creating list after list. I hope this feeling continues for all 25 days remaining! For me, it has been so helpful to just have one thing to focus on, while also continuing to have balance with my job and other responsibilities. It seems like it just frees up the mental space so I can do the other things I need to do.Although this reflection isn't necessarily about the love letter, I found myself reflecting on: 1. I am on a 5-day streak!!  and 2. Prior to this, I was spending a lot of mental energy trying to do it all. I often told people that I made lots of lists because I had so many things going on in my head that I had to write it down so I wouldn't forget it.  It is so strange to feel so productive without the to-do list.Y'all - I am so proud of how everyone is doing. I have heard from many of you and can't wait to continue hearing from you about your progress to keep me motivated as well!Oh. And by the way. The love letters were great. I left them on my older kids' beds before they went up at the end of the night and I showed my younger two the pictures I drew for them when they woke up this morning. Smiles all around! LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

The Daily Reminder - Day 5: Kids + Love letters

Have you ever had someone write you a love letter? Or frankly any kind of letter that simply shared how much you mean to them? As I think about my own life - those types of letters have been some of the most impactful things to how I feel about myself.In the current digital age, we are moving away from hand-written letters, but the act and art of writing a hand-written letter can hold so much meaning that I believe it should be our focus today.Our task today is to write ONE hand-written "love" letter (or picture if your child can't read yet) to each of your children. If your children don't live with you any longer, simply write it today and mail it to them. The only requirement is that it is hand-written. That part matters.Focus your letter or picture on what you love about your child and your life with them. Focus on their strengths. Focus on your dreams for them. Your prayers for them. Your hopes for them.  Write the date on it so they can come back to it years from now and know when it was written.And rather than just handing it to them, I encourage you to hide it in a place where they will find it. Like a surprise. A double surprise - you wrote them a letter AND they found it hidden somewhere!  We all love good surprises like that!Happy writing!!Recap from Day 4 (sorry - this is a long one!)As I reflect on becoming mindful of allowing my kids more "yes" in their lives, I am struck by a couple of things. First - my kids don't really ask for outlandish things. They don't ask to go on a vacation to the beach. They don't ask to go on a shopping spree in the toy isle.  If I summarize what my kids ask for most, it is: 1. Electronics (i.e., more time on a tablet, a certain show on television, a movie, etc.), 2. Food/treats (i.e., "Can I have a piece of candy?", "Can I have a donut?", "Can I have more peaches?"), and then 3. Things that they think are cool (and perhaps I don't think are cool).With these things in mind, the second thing that struck me was how quickly I tend to say "no" with really not a lot of good reasoning for doing so. For instance, when my 2-year-old asks, "Can I leave my shirt off when we go to bed?" (Because both of his older brothers sleep without a shirt). My initial reaction for a long time was just "no." And then it turned into, "No, you might be cold." or some other addition to "no."But if I really stop to think about what HE wanted, what was the worst thing that could have happened?? He would have gotten chilled in the middle of the night and learned to pull up his covers?BUT... what I realized he GAINS when I say "YES" to this simple request, is the joy of connecting more with his brothers, feeling more like them, and not feeling rejected by my "no" again. For the 10th time today. EEKSo as I think about my kids' typical requests and how to move forward, here's how I want to think about "yes" and "no" in my house:1. Electronics - Just about every parent I work with has the battle of electronics. We have a love/hate for them. Nearly every child has a LOVE for all things electronic. Nearly every parent fears they will create an electronic addiction in their child OR has conflicting ideas of how much electronics time is "appropriate" or "allowed" or "okay." My response is always to have more frequent short-spurts of time on electronics, rather than hours at a time. For instance, at 6:45am, my son asked for electronic time yesterday and I said, "Sure - but only 5 minutes right now and we can play more later." With a child's brain development, they tend to get locked-in to electronics. So if you let them get locked in for longer than 30 minutes or so, then it is harder to get them out of it. If you have a kid who has tolerated longer spurts with the electronic without issues, than 60 or 90 minutes at a time could be okay. But if you have troubles with getting them off of the electronic, try reducing the time frame and increasing the frequency of access.You can also find recommendations and resources from the American Academy of Pediatrics as well. In fact, I would encourage you to read this article and click through some of the resources they have listed. They have a Family Media Plan that I think is a really great option for parents of kids 7+ because it works like a family contract - where everyone has expectations about screen time, screen-free time, etc. When kids feel like parents also have the requirements of limiting screen time, they are more likely to have a better attitude about it!2. Food/treats - We are all highly motivated by food/treats. In fact, I believe we are a country that is obsessed with food (but that is probably for a different type of blog!). Regardless, typically, our kids receive treats when they are 1. potty training :) and 2. After they eat dinner without complaining.  As I think about the "yes, mom" day yesterday, when my kids ask for food (like string cheese or yogurt or granola bars), instead of the immediate "no", I tried to work within what I thought was appropriate. For instance, "Can I have a granola bar?" - when it was right before lunch time - "Sure, let's put that on your plate for lunch and I will have lunch ready in 15 minutes." Instead of... "No. We are eating lunch in 15 minutes."  The point for me is allowing them to have some additional control - particularly when they ask specifically - and letting go of control when things are not really a problem.3. Things that they think are cool (and perhaps I don't think are cool) - Our kids are still learning about the world. And their brains sometimes come up with extravagant things to try or do as they are learning about the world. For instance, "Can I eat my cereal with orange juice today, instead of milk?" or "Can I sleep on the floor instead of my bed today?" or "Can I buy this $5 game on my tablet with the money I earned?"  Now. How many of those things do YOU think are a good idea? For me, none. :)  BUT...for my kids - SUPER cool. And what reason do I really have to say no?? What opportunities to learn about the world are they missing because I am shutting down their ideas?As I move forward, I hope to continue to be mindful of these things to help my kids learn and feel more empowered and connected to me. I hope you may find the same as well!photo cred pexels.com (Kaboompics.com)

The Daily Reminder - Day 4: Kids + "Yes, mom"

You remember that movie, Yes, Man?   From 2008, with Jim Carrey.  Where Jim Carrey's character lives in a place of fear and control for the beginning of the movie and then is magically required to say YES! to any request. ANY request. Although initially saying "yes" to everything was a challenge for the character in the movie, by the end, he found that he was given a multitude of opportunities that were great things for his life - many of which he would have unlikely experienced without saying YES.I think of that movie often. In fact, most times when my kids request something and I say "no", I take a split second to think about what potential opportunity we may be missing out on because I didn't say "YES!" (Note: this does NOT mean I say yes to everything! In fact...I say "no" a lot. I am merely mentioning that I take that split second to pause because I do believe fear and control keep us from experiencing lots of things - and I want to try to avoid parenting out of fear or control.)Today, I will focus on saying "YES!" on everything I would have said "no" to previously. I will be a "Yes, mom" today!PS - if you live locally and see my kids - DO NOT tell them! lol  My kids are smart enough to ask to go to Disney World or something crazy!Recap from Day 3 I am not sure I got my 10 compliments in for each child today. After a 12-hour day at work, I didn't see them until late this evening and I think I got a solid 5 compliments in for each child. I also tried to give all of my attention to my kids for the 2 hours that I saw them today, rather than being preoccupied with other things around the house. I think they noticed I was more attentive, and I found myself making more intentional decisions to give them more of my attention.That being said, I suppose I didn't meet my goal, but I still succeeded in being more intentional - which is still a step in the right direction!Anyone else noticing anything good? 

The Daily Reminder - Day 3: Kids + Compliments

At the heart of making words matter for good is using our words to lift other people up. To lift our kids up and brighten their day. To build their self-esteem, knowing how much we value them.Today, my focus will be on giving compliments to my kids. I want to really focus on complimenting their character, but also on how hard they are working. Some of our kids work really hard to be within our good graces. Trying to always do the right thing, while also having fun can be a hard balance for some kids. And truthfully, just following the many instructions I have for them is worthy of a compliment!

• "Thanks for eating your food without complaining."
• "Thanks for helping your brother get into his chair."
• "Great job making your own breakfast."
• "I love how hard you work at practice."
• "You do such a great job of playing with your sister."
• "I am so proud of how you got dressed all by yourself today."
• "You look so beautiful in that shirt."
• "I can tell how hard you are working to keep from yelling at your brother." (HAHA)

My goal is to intentionally give at least 10 compliments to each child today. (I have a 12-hour day at work today, so I only have 2.5 hours to get in that many compliments. Wish me luck!!) Recap from Day 2I wasn't sure how it was going to go yesterday. It didn't start out well because I had to work half the day and then felt myself falling into task-mode. But I caught myself and got focused shortly after lunch. I went out and started shooting hoops on our little basketball rim (where my 9-year-old often plays). And he came out saying..."Hey. When have you ever played on this rim??" :)We played for about 10 minutes and then I went to play with my other son who was playing marbles on the floor. My 9-year-old walked past and said, "Now you're playing with Adrian?? You're really getting into this playing today."  HAHA! Seriously?? I promise he said that! And I promise I didn't tell him I was focused on playing today!As I reflect on how the day went, I really did not devote a lot of TIME to playing. 10 minutes here. 5 minutes there. 30 minutes at the park at the end of the day. Staying focused on each child and drawing them in to play. And you know what.... I still got everything done that I needed to get done today. I wasn't stressed. I didn't miss out on my to-do list. I just had fun trying to be present when I was playing.It made me stop to think, why can't I do that everyday?!? It really wasn't hard at all.  And frankly, what do I believe is so much more important than that? At the end of the day, I realized that I waste a lot of time doing things that matter a whole lot less than playing (like Facebook, scrolling my phone, incessantly checking my email, UGH!). And with a little reminder yesterday, I was able to learn how unimportant those things really are.Thanks for joining me in this adventure! Can't wait to hear how y'all are doing!photo cred pixabay (blur-chair-cheerful-160739)

The Daily Reminder - Day 2: Kids + Play

Let me be honest about something. Right now, I am not great at playing.I used to be GREAT at playing. And then somewhere along the line, I stopped being good at it. I started being too busy, too tired, too annoyed. EEK.It isn't that my body isn't physically capable of playing. I am blessed to have a pretty decent body who can keep up with 4 kids (most of the time - keep in mind...NO ONE is keeping up with my 9-year-old - he literally has energy for days!!). It is just that I am too lazy or believe I will become too "stressed" if I don't finish whatever task I have in front of me. Remember that to-do list?? Guess how often "play with kids" was on that list?Um. Never. (#notgoingtofeelshame)And remember how often I said I would actually complete my daily to-do list?Again. Um. Never. (#eventhoughIneversitdown)Here's the truth in my life and maybe in your life: There will never be enough time to complete everything I could get done around the house or with my work. But there will come a day when my kids won't want to play with me - and I am missing it! So today, I will focus on that.If they seek me out to play, I will play. If they don't seek me out, I will find a way to seek them out to engage in something fun with them.(For those of you with older kids: You can still "play". It may mean playing a video game or two. It may mean shooting hoops or soccer. It may mean learning to play that guitar (or trying!). The point to "play" is: 1. To have fun! and 2. To let it be about them. See what you can do!)RECAP from Day 1How did everyone do with Day 1?? How was it to really "see" your kids?  This was an interesting thing for me because, as a psychologist who specializes in working with kids, I felt like I had a pretty good handle on my kids' personalities, strengths and weaknesses. And although I still think some of those things are true, I started to notice those things that would drive me crazy about my kids began to make a little more sense. Since I was not so wrapped up in all the things I needed to get done, I was able to see the context and what was really at the heart of what they were trying to communicate.And guess what...?? I got a lot of stuff done too! Grading, emails, planning... Even without a to-do list... :)It's amazing what a little perspective shift can do. At lunch, I was reflecting with my boys about how it was "a great morning", and at the end of the day, my son said to me, "Mom, this was a great day."I know everyday of this experiment won't work out this way, but gosh darn...I'll take this win! photo cred - Suzy Hazelwood (pexels.com)

The Daily Reminder - Day 1: Kids + Honor

Side note: I woke up early today (about 45 minutes earlier than I know my kids normally get up) so I could get myself organized for the day - including writing this! - and I forget how beautiful the quiet is. As I type, I hear the quiet noises of our house and the world outside and it really is amazing how much peace comes in the early morning stillness.For day 1, I plan to take intentional time to honor each of my kids. I want to really SEE them. See them for where they are developmentally. See them for what is important to them right now. See them as they smile and laugh and cry.This may seem simple, but as I reflect on the busiest (and sometimes not even on the busiest) days, I find that I sometimes can become laser-focused on the other things to do around the house and in my job that I forget to take that intentional time to 'see' them. Today, that will change.Today, I will honor my children for who they are right now.I invite you to join me!

My 30-day "Daily reminder" experiment - want to join me??

I woke up today feeling like I just couldn't seem to put together a few days in a row of meeting any of my goals. Goals with my physical health. Goals with my kids. Goals with my spiritual health. I seem to do pretty well for a day or two or three and then I fall off the wagon. Anyone else been there??So I decided I would try something. I want to spend 30 days being hyper-focused on one of four areas in my life: my relationship with my kids, my physical health, my spiritual health, and my mental/emotional health. The truth is, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the ways I should probably "be healthier."

• I "should" eat less sugar. Less caffeine. Less carbs.
• I "should" exercise more. Do more cardio. Join a special diet to "finally" lose the last 20 pounds of baby weight.
• I "should" pray more. I should meditate. I should reflect and journal about my life experiences.
• I "should" spend more time fully attending to my kids. I should play silly games with them. I should read more to them.

I should. I should. I should.And as a psychologist, I know what the "shoulds" can do to us. They make us feel like a failure. Like we are not enough. Like we should be better. And truthfully...often, the "shoulds" I have in my mind are such lofty goals that there is probably no way I will ever reach them.And yet, everyday, I start with my list of things to do.  Things I hope to accomplish. The 16 or 12 or 9 things for that day that need to get done, but probably won't because I am so focused on so many things, I can't focus on anything.Well. For the next 30 days, I will not create the to-do list. Sure. I will have the emails to check and assignments to grade. But instead of focusing on the list, I will be hyper-focused on the things that really matter. Just ONE thing each day.Here's my plan. Each week, there will be a theme:

• Week 1: Relationship with my kids
• Week 2: Physical health
• Week 3: Spiritual health
• Week 4: Mental/Emotional health

Then, each day, I will have ONE aspect of that theme that I will focus on all day. And the rest, I will let have a break from taking up mental energy. I will post it so you all can keep me accountable - and I invite you to join me!  You will see the post on Facebook each morning with that day's "Daily reminder."At then at the end of each day and each week, I will reflect on which ONE aspect in each area that appears to be making the most impact in my life. And then, who knows...I may expand the 30 day experiment from there!Let me give you a couple examples:  Relationship with my kids - devote the day to really listening to them and ask one thoughtful question of each of them;  devote the day to cuddling and hugging my kids as often as I can (without them strangling me!); Physical health - drink 100 ounces of water; skip dessert and carbs today.Who wants in?? You can reply in Facebook, private message me, or email Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com - just say - "I want the Daily Reminder!" -Because heaven knows I need the daily reminder to keep me on track, too! 

Top 3 things to do when your child is anxious, emotional, or having a meltdown

Managing emotional moments with your child can be one of the hardest things as a parent. There is an innate part of us that is triggered when our kid is melting down. We just want them to stop crying. To stop hurting. To stop screaming. To stop feeling anxious. It is our nature as parents to want to protect them – and frankly to get back to feeling peaceful!I spend a lot of time in my therapy room talking with parents about how to manage meltdowns from the 2-year-old to the 17-year-old. Here are the top 3 things I say to parents over and over again:

1. Recognize your own needs. It may not be easy to hear, but often the meltdown is, at least, in part due to the parent’s under- or over-reaction to a particular situation. As parents, we struggle with our own emotions of frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, hurt, or anger, among others. Sometimes those emotions may be because of something our child did – and sometimes they may be because of things outside of our role as a parent. For instance, you may be disappointed because of something that happened at work (e.g., being passed up for a promotion, hard conversation with a customer, etc.).

Remember that your child is ALWAYS watching and listening and learning from you. She is waiting to see how you handle those challenging situations so she can learn how to handle them in her own life. He is watching your face and your body to see what you do when you are upset.That means, you have to be purposeful with how you express emotions. During a calm moment, create a list of the things that are important to you as a parent as you think about emotions. Do you want your child to be able to talk openly about his/her emotions? Is yelling acceptable? Is cursing acceptable?  Clearly outline what is and is not acceptable regarding emotional expression.Then – MODEL this every time you become emotional in your own life. Notice, this does not mean to be emotionless around your children. It means to model the values you hold for your family in a meaningful way to teach your child how to behave.The other aspect of recognizing your own needs is that sometimes, your child’s emotional outburst is not really about you. It may be about their level of fatigue. It may be about puberty. It may be about their own disappointment and you simply said something that tipped them over the edge. The point is, don’t take their meltdown personally. We all say things we don’t mean when we are upset. Your child is no different. Your goal as a parent is not to take their yelling personally. It is to teach them how to manage their emotions appropriately. If your initial reaction is to be offended and then punish them, it is unlikely you will meet your goal. Instead, take a breath and remember – “This isn’t about me. How can I teach him/her to better express emotion in this moment??”

2. Focus on the underlying emotion or message – When it comes to meltdowns, this is the most common strategy I teach to parents. When our kids are exploding with emotion (or “melting down” or “over the edge” or “freaking out” – whatever you call it), having a rational conversation with them is going to be pointless. Or worse, it might make the entire thing even more unbearable!

Your only priority when your child’s emotions are overflowing is to find out what the underlying message is. Don’t focus on WHAT they are saying. Instead, focus on WHY they are saying what they are saying. Let’s look at a couple of examples.Imagine the 6-year-old who was just told she had to go to bed. Immediately, the child shouts, “You never care about me! You never ask me how I’m doing!!!”

• Your initial reaction is likely to be something like, “I do care about you. And I do ask you how you are doing. I asked you after school how your day was!”
• The BETTER reaction is to focus on the underlying emotion or message. WHY is she saying you don’t care about her? In this case, she may be saying that because she is angry or frustrated that she has to go to bed. Instead, we might want to say, “I know you are irritated that you have to turn off your video game and go to bed, but you have to go to bed now. I will come up in 5 minutes to talk about how you feel. Please go to your room and get in the bed.”

Another example is the 14-year-old who has been working on homework for 2 hours and screams in frustration, “I hate science!! I hate Mr. Jackson for assigning this!! I am so stupid!”

• Again, your initial reaction is likely to be something like, “Don’t say that. You know you like science. And you know you aren’t stupid. You got all As and Bs on your last report card!”
• The BETTER reaction is to focus on the underlying emotion or message. WHY is he saying he hates science? In this case, he is likely tired and frustrated both physically and cognitively. You are more likely to be successful at managing this one if you say something like, “I know you are frustrated by this. Let’s work together to figure this out. I know you can do it.”

In both of these situations, do you see how we are focused on the underlying emotion or message?? That will always get us toward the solution sooner than if we only focus on what they are saying.

3. Support them. Don’t fix it. And don’t rationalize. – Now that you have learned how to recognize the underlying emotion, the words you choose in your response are critical. There are a few things to remember when your child is highly emotional. First, your goal is to simply support them. Most often, they don’t want us (as parents) to ‘fix it’ for them. They simply want us to listen and honor their emotions. So the way we do this is to say things like, “Tell me more.” Or “I’m listening. What else happened?” Or “Wow that sounds tough. What else did she say?”

Simply show them you are listening and try to get them to continue talking by looking genuinely interested in what they are saying. Furthermore, it will go a long way for you to really try to understand how they are feeling in that moment. While they are talking, consider how you might feel if you were their age experiencing that. Try to simply be empathetic with them.One of the biggest mistakes when our child is emotional is to use a rational explanation for why they shouldn’t feel that way.  Things like, “Oh honey, you know you aren’t stupid. Why would you say that?” or “You know how important you are. You don’t have to worry about them.” Or any other rationalization of why your child shouldn’t feel a certain way is only causing them to feel like their feelings are  not valid.When our kids are emotional, their rational brain is not working. Their emotions have taken over. So rational explanations will never connect with them.You have to first get them calmed down by listening and showing empathy. THEN, you can have a rational conversation with them to teach them the truth in each situation. If you skip this listening/calming step, your words will not matter with them.Create a short list of listening phrases you can use with your child when he/she is emotional. Practice using them as often as possible when your child is both emotional and just in everyday conversation. The more practice you get with them, the more natural they will become in the tough situations!  

The key to changing bad behavior - work toward the goal, not away from it

As a psychologist, I have talked with parents about my share of behavior plans, sticker charts, chore charts, visual schedules, you name it…I have done it! And frequently, it is a similar story from most parents:I want my kid to stop hitting his sister. I want my daughter to stop having attitude every time we ask her to do something. I need for him to stop getting suspended from school.Our typical reaction to bad behavior from our kids is to take something away from them. To “punish” them.Unfortunately, the way that most of us go about trying to change our kid’s behavior may really only be asking for additional problems.Let me give you an example.

• Imagine your partner says to you, “If you don’t do exactly what I want you to do, I am going to take something you love away from you.” For instance. If my husband said that he would take my morning coffee away if I didn’t make the bed every morning, I would be really irritated.
• If he said he would take away my favorite pair of boots if I didn’t fold my laundry immediately after it came out of the dryer. I would resent him (Big time).
• If he got frustrated with me when I told him that I just didn’t feel like doing the laundry today and he said, “Well if you don’t do it right now, you can’t have Starbucks ever again...” or “I don’t care if you feel like doing I, you HAVE to get it done right now.”

As you read this, all of this sounds absolutely ridiculous.However for many of the families that I worked with, this is often how things go with our kids. We tell them that if they disrespect their teacher at school, then we will take away their favorite toy or video game. If they don’t complete their homework on time, then we take away screen time. If they tell us they don’t feel like doing their chores right now, we tell them that they have to because that’s when we want them to do it.

In general we simply don’t tolerate those parts of ourselves that we see in our children.

What we really need to do is to focus on working toward our goal rather than away from it. In other words, we want to work up to the things we want kids to do rather than away from the things we want them to stop doing.

The key to changing bad behavior - work toward the goal, not away from it

Let me give you an example of it this way.

• Instead of taking away video games for being disrespectful…Flip this to work toward the goal rather than away… He EARNS 60 minutes of video games when he is respectful at school all day. He earns 30 minutes if he has been respectful all day at school with one instance of disrespect. Do you see how either way, he is getting video games? It is just how we approach it that really matters.
• Instead of taking away screen time when she doesn’t complete homework… Flip this to work toward the goal rather than away…She EARNS 40 minutes of screen time when she completes her homework successfully. She earns an extra 15 minutes if her teacher reports she turned it in on time. Again. Same thing here. Either way, she is getting screen time. It is just our approach and her attitude about earning it that is different.

While this may seem like a small shift, it really makes a huge difference for our kids. And frankly for us, as adults, as well. Think about the example above. If I earned a new pair of boots after folding laundry immediately, I would be folding that laundry every day!!So, as you think about the things your child is doing that you don’t want him or her to do, consider stepping away from using punishment as the answer. Holding that consequence over their head is not the way to get them to change. Helping them work toward the goals that they want is exactly how you teach them appropriate behavior, and long-term goal setting.Give it a shot! You (and your child) will be glad that you did!

Planting seeds with our school-age kids, pre-teens and teenagers

I love gardening. I will start by saying that I am terrible at gardening. But I LOVE it. I love the idea of growing something from a tiny seed into something that I can eat or put in a vase on my dining room table. I love the idea of nurturing plants with water and sunlight. I love the idea of growing. I always have.My mother and father knew when I was very young that I was going to be a life-long learner, always striving to keep growing intellectually. I used to drive them crazy asking “Why?” questions. “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do onions make you cry?”  “Why do we need to sleep?” “Why. Why. Why.”As a psychologist, I obviously love the idea of growing psychologically, emotionally, and behaviorally. I believe we were created to always keep evolving and improving. I never want to feel stagnant in my personal or professional growth. (This is different than finding stillness. Stillness actually promotes growth and is the antithesis of stagnancy.  See my blog on stillness to know the difference!).

Growth is a necessary part of becoming better in every way.

I believe the same is true with our kids. They are actually growing at a much more rapid pace than adults. In fact, we have lots of science to show how rapidly their brains and bodies are developing.However, I have talked to enough parents and teachers to know that sometimes it can feel like the things that we, as parents and teachers, are trying to teach our kids are not really helping them grow.In other words, there are times when parents I have worked with have said, “Nothing is working. He just doesn’t get it. He keeps doing all of these things that we have explicitly told him NOT to do.”Something I say very frequently to the parents that I work with is that we are simply planting seeds.Did you listen to every single thing your parents taught you every time? No. But did the things that your parents frequently say to you eventually stick with you? YES! Those are the things that you remember. The things they repeated over and over.Take a few minutes to think about the things you feel like you say to your child over and over. Look at these examples and consider how you might model these examples in your own family.

Child statement or problem	Planting seeds	Nurturing growth	Harvest
Child complains every time he has to turn off his video games.	“Buddy, people are more important than electronics.”	“Remember, we have talked about how our family values people more than electronics.”	In the days, weeks, months, years to come, he will turn off his electronic devices when friends are around. OR He will say aloud, “People are more important than electronics.”
Child yells you never do what he wants to do.	“We frequently try to keep what you want to do in mind. In fact, last week we went to the movies like you wanted to do.”	“Remember, we think about you too. Remember the movies from the other week? Or the basketball arena? We think of you too.”	In the days, weeks, months, years to come, she will say she is glad we did those things as a family.
Child says he is too dumb to do homework.	“I can hear your frustration about how hard homework is for you. I see how hard you are working. You are not dumb and it is not okay for you to say that about yourself. Let’s take a look at what you need to do together.”	“Remember how we have talked about what you can and cannot say about yourself when you are frustrated? You cannot say you are dumb. You can say, I am really frustrated by this math homework.”	In the days, weeks, months, years to come, he will share when he is angry or frustrated, but not use comments that degrade his self-worth.

So when it feels like it is hopeless. Like your child is never going to ‘get it.’ Remember, you are planting seeds. Each time you are nurturing growth, keep focusing on planting and nurturing seeds. And just like a garden, sometimes it takes a lot of nurturing before that seed grows into the harvest.

Stillness takes work.

Stillness takes work.Do you find yourself often talking about how tired you feel? When someone asks how you are, do you frequently say, “I’m tired.”? If yes, then the remedy is stillness.Stillness is really the only place to experience rest.This means stillness of body and mind. It means sitting in the recliner while the kids are napping or at school and just allowing the silence take over.Trust me. This is as scary to me as it is to any of you. I have more things on my daily to-do list than I will get through in four days, so the thought of sitting in silence without any level of tasking (much less my typical multi-tasking) is scary.It makes me feel like I will be further behind.It convinces me that I don’t have time for rest. That I must use every waking second to be doing something.But what I have found in my 10 years of being a parent and 12 years in helping parents is that if we don’t take this time, we will continue to feel tired and ragged.I often talk with parents about the difference between inner chaos and outer chaos. As parents, it is likely that we are surrounded by outer chaos – for at least a portion of our day. Someone is always crying or whining or arguing. Someone always wants something to eat or drink. When we turn on the television, the news is always talking about something chaotic or sad.

There will always be chaos around us. That is really not at the heart of why we feel tired.

At the heart of why we always feel tired is the inner chaos. It is that you always have more things to do than time to do it. It is the constant thought of not being enough. It is the thought of needing to do more with or for your kids.It is the inner chaos that we most need the stillness for. Your mind needs to rest from the chaos and your body needs it as well.So what will you do this week to take time to find stillness. Notice what I said…FIND stillness. Here’s the thing. For most of us, stillness doesn’t just happen. Our lives don’t magically slow down so we can rest. They just don’t. We must seek it out. We must cut out the evening sitcom to find stillness. We might need to wake up 10 minutes earlier to find stillness. We might need to cut out some of our kids’ extracurricular activities to find stillness.Whatever you need to do, will you consider being purposeful this week? Put it on your calendar so it becomes a priority?Start with just 10 minutes and work up to 30 minutes a day if you can!Then, wait to see how your mind and body respond. Reflect on your level of fatigue and your response to "How are you?" My hope is that is goes from "I'm tired." to "I feel good."

Finding joy -> Overcoming the hurdle of chaos

Finding joy -> Overcoming the hurdle of chaosIn 1980, the year I was born :), Dr. Robert Plutchik, a American psychologist suggested there are eight basic emotions that are polar opposites of one another.

• joy-sadness,
• anger-fear,
• trust-distrust,
• surprise-anticipation

I can appreciate sadness being opposite joy, but in real life, I believe chaos is the hurdle between joy and sadness. In fact, chaos could be the hurdle between a whole bunch of positive emotions!

JOY!  -------------------------------------------------------------chaos-----------SADNESS

I believe we need to cut through and eliminate chaos before we can really even get to joy. And although we aren’t able to control emotions, we CAN control chaos.Take a quick inventory. Are you living in an over-scheduled, hectic household? Do you go to bed at night and wonder what happened that day? Have you sped through the week without really connecting with anyone?Most people are able to identify they are living in chaos. More often, folks struggle to know how to get out of chaos.Let me clarify that. Most folks KNOW what they need to do. The struggle comes is being able to do what needs to be done. In other words, when I ask parents how to slow down the crazy cycle, most parents are able to say… “Well I need to be home more for dinner.” Or “We need to have less activities for the kids.” Or “We need to schedule date nights each month.”Why is it that we all struggle to cut the crazy out? I believe it is part cultural and part FOMO (fear of missing out).Yes. We live in a crazy, over-scheduled world. But we don’t have to succumb to that way of living. I have met plenty of kids who were NOT in 3 sports at once and they turned out just fine! I believe we also worry that our kids will “miss out” on some opportunity if we limit something for them.Let’s take a minute to consider the opposing question.If we all can agree that chaos is the hurdle between us and joy, are our kids “missing out” on experiencing joy WITH US? Is that equally (or even more so) problematic?Don’t worry. Remember my last post…kids are resilient.They are still finding joy! Kids can find joy almost anywhere, can’t they? In doing chores, they find a way to mess around to find joy. In playing outside, they run and jump and play. In walking through the grocery store, they skip and roll on the floor.To them, joy and fun are the same thing.In fact, if we really stop to peel away the differences, joy often leads to fun and fun frequently brings joy.But I find that many parents forget how to do both – have fun and find joy.  We are lost in the busyness and the chaos of life. Of schedules and work and chores and the mundane.

How do you have fun?Where do you find joy?

Let’s all commit this week to finding ways to have a little more fun and finding a LOT more joy when we are with our kids. Trust me, you won’t miss anything by doing this!

Kids are resilient.

Kids are resilient.As a child psychologist, one of the most frequent things I say to parents is “Kids are resilient.” Over and over, I remind parents that children move on quickly, bounce back from struggle, and adjust to change. In most cases, much more quickly that we do as adults.As parents, I think we often fret about getting every single decision right. We over-emphasize some things and under-emphasize others. “Should she be allowed to skip the music recital if she doesn’t want to go?”  “I know he lied about forgetting his homework…should I punish him?”  “He said halfway through the season that he doesn’t want to do it anymore…should I force him even if he has anxiety about it?”

We worry that one miss-step will lead to our kids…

• …getting into “big trouble.”
• …being made fun of.
• …missing something.
• …ending up in prison.
• …becoming a pathological liar.

All parents want their children to grow up to be well-adjusted, happy people. And each decision we make as parents make us feel like we have this huge pressure to get it all right.But guess what?Kids are resilient. While we don’t want to mess EVERY decision up, most of the things that we, as parents, become really anxious about really don’t matter that much to kids. More often, it is OUR fear of looking bad to others that messes us up. 

“Should she be allowed to skip the music recital if she doesn’t want to go?”

MAYBE. In the big picture, how important is the recital? Will she fail the class? Will it “look bad” if she isn’t there? Who does it matter more to, you or her?Many of you will allow your anxiety to catapult you to the thought of… “Well, if I let her skip this one, I am giving in and she will want to skip all of them.” (Or some other possible outcome in the future… “She will turn into a slacker” or “She never wants to do anything, she is going to turn into a hermit.” I know this is what happens, because I have heard it time and again from parents I have worked with. We take these isolated incidences with our kids and allow anxiety to convince us that this ONE decision will turn them into horrible people.Guess what?It won’t. Because kids are resilient.Allowing her to have her voice heard and ‘skip’ the recital may HELP her feel understood by you. Giving her the freedom to have control of this situation may allow her to use her voice later in life as well. Think about it. Sure…she may ask to skip the next school function if you let her skip this one. And when that day comes, you may make a different decision as a parent. And guess what? She will adjust to THAT decision when it comes.Because kids are resilient.They adjust. They move on. 

“I know he lied about forgetting his homework…should I punish him?”

PROBABLY…but maybe not HARSHLY. First, we have to look at the big picture again. Does he have a history of lying? Are you setting him up to lie? Is he at an age when lying is an age-appropriate behavior (even if it is still ‘wrong’)?Depending on the age, lying is a developmentally appropriate behavior. Kids learn to lie because it is a developmental milestone. If you meet someone who tells you they have never told a lie, tell them they are lying!We all lie. Big lies and small lies.It doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just makes it reality. And when we punish our kids for something that is developmentally where they are, it can have more negative consequences than positive ones.I know I am not making friends when I say some parents, myself included, set kids up to WANT to lie. Consider this. For most kids, getting into trouble is not a positive experience. Most kids want to avoid getting into trouble. Don’t you?!?  I know I don’t love being in trouble.So the real question is…are you creating a culture of absolute acceptance? A relationship with them that is built on them KNOWING that no matter what they do or say, you will not shame them, make them feel bad, or hurt them (physically or emotionally).Do you start your questioning of them with “Is there anything you want to tell me??” or “Did you REALLY forget your homework AGAIN?!?”Stop to think about it. If your boss asked you these questions, in these ways, what is the likelihood that you will WANT to lie? For most people, it would be a high likelihood for dishonesty. Because the manner in which the questions are asked already suggests the child is in trouble.Instead, consider building a culture and relationship of absolute acceptance. Start with: “I talked to your teacher today and she said that you forgot your homework again. Tell me what happened.”Do you notice the difference??Aren’t you much more likely to get an honest response if you ask this way??Don’t try to ‘catch them’ in a lie. Trust me, you will catch them almost every time. But is that really what you want? For most people, we don’t want to catch them in a lie. We want to know the truth.So if you really want the truth, try asking for the truth in a way that is more likely to elicit it from your kids.Have you struggled with trying to ‘catch them’ in the past?Don’t worry…kids are resilient! 

“He said halfway through the season that he doesn’t want to do it anymore…should I force him even if he has anxiety about it?”

MAYBE. Go back to the first example because much of the responses would be similar. Even if he has anxiety about it now, it doesn’t mean he will need prescription medication for eternity. Don’t allow every decision to turn YOU into an anxious mess.And remember…kids are resilient!

Resolutions –> No. Traditions –> Yes.

Resolutions –> No.       Traditions –> Yes.As we start another new year, it is common for us to think about new changes. It’s strange how the new year catapults us to consider so many new things. However, most of us aren’t great at keeping up with our resolutions. I love that we want to be better, but it is often challenging to maintain any new habit – particularly since many of us shoot for the stars with multiple new changes as resolutions.Instead, this year, what if you focused away from resolutions and onto something else?I recently attended the funeral of my great aunt. She was the last of her generation to pass away, which left many of us reflecting on her legacy and that of her siblings. I created a short list of what her generation taught me and what I remembered most about her. I found myself continuing to come back to those traditions I had with my grandfather and great aunts. I remembered how we had huge family gatherings at the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving. I remembered how my grandfather would always sing Italian music while dancing around our small, family-owned restaurant. I remembered how food, laughter, and loudness would always permeate our best family discussions.And I began wondering how my children might remember me. Perhaps this isn’t a thought you have had yet. But I know it is one that will be important to most of us at some point. Perhaps we focus on that this year instead of resolutions?I believe creating a legacy involves two things. First, making words matter for good. And second, creating traditions your children will remember for a lifetime.

Making words matter… for good.

My philosophy is to use effective communication strategies with my kids so they can clearly understand our expectations, but also know how to communicate themselves later in life. This means making sure each word we speak has a purpose, and that we speak words that have purpose – for good. Our words have the power to heal, care, love, uplift, encourage, support, and compliment. Our words also have the power to hurt, demean, belittle, argue, and hate. I am certain all of us have heard about the power of words. But so frequently, I witness adults around me using words in ways that are not “for good.” In fact, each day, I catch myself reflecting on some of my own word choices. Consider something someone said to you that was hurtful? Have you ever had someone say something that made you feel belittled?  I am guessing it is not hard for you to remember those times. It’s unfortunate how we can so quickly remember the negative words of others.So how will you use your words today?Consider taking on the challenge of making sure your words are always used for healing. Find ways to use words that are caring and loving. When you see your child or spouse, use words that are uplifting and encouraging. Remember how it felt when someone supported and complimented you? What would it be like if you focused on only used words that made others feel that way?Once and for all (the other way of interpreting “for good” in making words matter for good), could we make words matter in a way that makes others feel those positive things? And perhaps we all live more closely to the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, say nothing at all.”Again I ask, how will you use your words?

Creating traditions your children will remember for a lifetime.

I love traditions. Now that I am an adult, it is those traditions that I remember most about my childhood.

• I remember how every Saturday, my mother would work (she was a stay-at-home-mom throughout the week) and that left dad in charge. That meant Jiffy blueberry pancakes for breakfast, and beans and weenies (with A1 sauce) for lunch. Every Saturday.
• I remember how every year on Christmas Eve morning, my mother would pack up trays of cookies to be delivered in-person to all of our neighbors.
• I remember how my mother would play Christmas music early in the morning while she cooked breakfast around the holiday.
• I remember how my grandmother would have a giant bowl of Jujubes candy in her room and when we would visit, she would be sure to give us a hand full!

Of course, I remember family vacations and other meaningful moments from childhood. But it is the simple traditions that really stand out for me when someone asks about my family.According to Merriam-Webster, tradition is defined as “the handing down of information, beliefs, or customs from one generation to another.” How will you “hand down” your beliefs to your children? My children and I now deliver handmade pizzas to our neighbors on Christmas Eve morning. We have pancakes for breakfast. I love Christmas music. While all of these examples seem simple, and even corny, this is precisely what traditions are. If you think about what your parents “always did”, I bet you will find ways that you also do some of those things. Perhaps it is time to be sure we are purposeful with how we behave so we can have intentional traditions for our kids. What traditions do you have for your family? Are there other ideas that you would like to incorporate? Create a plan to do that this year!I believe we create a legacy by planting seeds everyday by using words for good. Those words build our children into the grown-ups we want them to be. Then the traditions are how they understand how to live their lives, that carry out the family’s beliefs and customs to the next generation.

Instead of resolutions, how about new (or continued) traditions?