Talking with kids during uncertain times - like COVID-19

As we continue to grapple with the seemingly unending changes, we are continuing to find resources for sharing these changes with our kids. I have come up with an acronym (PRESS) to help us remember how to talk with our kids about hard things - like the coronavirus (or any other hard/emotional topic for that matter - sex, loss, death, divorce, etc.). PRESS in (or lean in) to the conversation!

P - PREPARE.

Ahead of time, before talking with kids, prepare for the conversation - like you would any other “presentation” at work.  Know the facts. Don’t guess. Don’t hypothesize. Don’t tell them what you “have heard.” Only gather information from credible websites – like CDC or NIH. And be prepared to answer their question with “I don’t know.”

R – REFLECT.

Take a moment, or day, to reflect on your specific child. What do they NEED to know? Some kids need less, or no information at all, about coronavirus. Others may need more information to ease their anxiety. The point here is to reflect on what will help each of your specific children the most. And know that sometimes that means only talking about staying home together instead of going to school. Also, take a minute to think about a time when you can incorporate this discussion into everyday conversation. This should be a conversation that doesn’t feel like a big, "sit-down". Reflect on ways to thread the next three steps into everyday conversations to keep it low-key, not to evoke unnecessary worry.

E – EXPLORE.

This part is really the first step in actually talking to them. Before you share what you have prepared and reflected on, explore what they currently know. This will help you correct misinformation and expand what they currently know. Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you know about coronavirus?” or “What have you heard about…” or “What are you curious about related to ….” – notice, I did not mention any phrases like, “What are you scared about?” or “What are you worried about?”   Unless they are currently experiencing those emotions, we don’t want to suggest those emotions during this conversation. Basically, if we ask the question that way, we are suggested to them that they have something they should be scared of. And we certainly don't want to do that.

S – SHARE.

This is when you share what you know. “Here’s what I know...” Or “Here’s what I have found…” Remember, only share what you know is necessary for your child. Answer their questions honestly and concisely.  If you aren’t sure how much to share with your specific child, as a friend who knows your child well, how much they think you should share.

S – ReaSSURE.

This part is really important. After talking about it, immediately reassure them that they are safe and secure. That they are okay and ways to continue to stay healthy. Beyond just the immediate conversation, remember to reassure them daily.

Talking about Coronavirus with kids - Disappointments and cancellations

We have all been experiencing the disappointment, frustration, sadness, confusion.... about missing out on our favorite things right now. They have cancelled our favorite classes, our favorite activities, closed our favorite restaurants and local gyms. In one way or another, all of us have felt the loss of something during this time.I have been interviewed by several media outlets and asked by parents - "How do I help my child cope with all of this?"So here's a few tips related to the emotions around the disappointments and cancellations.

Try NOT to "put it in perspective" right away.  Instead, use empathetic listening.

As our kids are describing their sadness, disappointment or anger, try NOT to just right to the "it's way worse somewhere else" speech. That will not be helpful right now.  Here's the thing. When our kids come to us feeling disappointed or sad about missing something, that is a fair emotion for them to be feeling in that moment. Aren't we all a little sad about something going on right now? Imagine if you came to your spouse or friend and say, "I'm sad about...." and they responded with... "Well there are other people who have it worse than you!" UGH. That feels gross.Unfortunately, I have heard a lot of this in my therapy office and I am tempted to do this with my own kids from time to time. As they are "whining" about something they missed, I am tempted to think "sheesh...don't be so dramatic." - But as I pause and get re-focused on what they are saying, using empathetic listening is always a good go-to. This article shares a definition of empathetic listening "requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!).” This joining is so important to our kids. Especially now when they are out of their routine, missing social connections with friends, and experiencing boredom frequently.

Share and model your sadness, disappointment

Another tip is to share your own feelings about missing things, too. It is fair for our kids to see and hear us being somewhat emotional about missing things as well. Yesterday, my 10-year-old asked me, "Mommy, which do you prefer... being here with us and not going to work, or going to work and not being here with us." My answer was that there are many advantages to both parts of that. I love my work and my job. I value the work I get to do everyday. But I have longed for more time with them while they are little. And so I shared that I was a little sad about missing things they would otherwise be doing at school. And I miss my friends at work and being able to freely go to places without second thoughts about germs and viruses.Sharing some of our sadness lets them know it is okay for them to be sad, too.

Final tip: sharing your feelings

Fear and anxiety are different than sadness and disappointment. I encourage you not to engage them in what YOU are worried about, what you are fearful of. This will be too hard for most of our kids to manage. They will hear your fear and it will become anxiety for them. Our kids have enough going on, they don't need our anxiety on top of it. Instead, manage your own anxiety by reaching out to friends, or self-care strategies. Keeping kids (and yourself) engaged in activities that are healthful - exercise, getting outside, crafts, etc - will keep more and more fear away and peace within.  photo cred pixabay