Goal Setting with TEENS, KIDS, and LITTLES

Here you will find a quick video sharing tips and tricks for helping our kids (at all stages!) with setting goals this new year!Would love to hear your feedback on how it goes!! 

Somewhere there is a child...

My dear Make Words Matter family.This post is not like my usual, uplifting messages (at least at first glance). In fact, this post may be more than you want to imagine is true in our communities right now. That’s okay. Please do not feel bad if this feels prickly. Trust me...I have felt all the feels about this in the last 24 hours.But. I know for sure there are children out there who fit these descriptions. I have seen them. I have known them. I have loved them from across the therapy room. And while my time with them was not during a time of coronavirus crisis, it was during a similar time of despair specific to their family’s situation.I pray you will be moved by this. As I have been in sharing it.

The overwhelming loneliness

Last night, I was kept awake by the overwhelming heaviness of knowing somewhere there is a child, many children, too many children... living in this quarantine alone.Somewhere there is a child who lives with a parent or parents who cannot fully care for that child because the fear and hopelessness of COVID-19 has caused them to relapse. To turn to drugs and alcohol to cope because that is the only way they know how. And all that is left of that child’s parent is the shell of a person they once knew as mom or dad. That child has become independent and self-reliant, though for his 8-year-old brain, he simply cannot fathom why things have gotten so bad again. He cries at night wondering if they will wake up from "sleeping" on the couch. If he should run out into the unknown of the nighttime sky. If there will be enough food for tomorrow. He is so terribly alone.Somewhere there is a child whose parents were simply not ready to be parents themselves. And so when they become stressed, they turn to anger, hatred and shame outbursts toward anything nearby. They hurl insults and curse words, gut-wrenching shame-filled words at that child who simply made a mistake in the kitchen. The smallest mistake has now lead to a verbal war between parents and a child who begs them to stop. He scurries behind the table to avoid the glass that has been thrown in his direction before running out into the cold with tear-stained cheeks. He is so terribly afraid.Somewhere there is a child and her single mother who just 3 weeks ago left the most abusive boyfriend yet. As they escaped the man who hurt them daily, they lean on one another for comfort from the cold. Crashing on friends' couches and scrounging for food wherever they can. The mother knows free food is available for her daughter from the school's food program, but because of transportation issues, she cannot gain access to this invaluable resource for both of them. Life has always been hard for them. And now that she is five years old, this child feels like she can carry some of the weight of her mother's troubles. Right after dinner, she falls asleep on the hard floor from sheer exhaustion. She is so terribly tired.Somewhere there is a child whose parents have been working paycheck-to-paycheck since her birth 12 years ago. She has 4 younger siblings, all of whom relied on the daily structure and support of teachers to make academic growth. The family has one laptop computer that was gifted to them from a friend 6 years ago. Although she knows e-learning is happening, her parents are rarely home and she is often left in charge to care for her siblings. Their daycare closed, and as minimum-wage essential workers, they simply cannot afford to stay at home, or hire a sitter. There is no wifi. There is no cable television. There is some food, but certainly not anything for a "balanced" meal.  She is so terribly hopeless.

Pray, remember, honor.

My dear friends. I share this with you to help all of us (myself included!) to remember that not all children are loving the extended time at home. Staying at home could be the most hopeless requirement for children we may never know. They do not want our pity. They do not want us to feel sorry for them. They just want to be kids.I pray for our children who don't get to be fun-loving and light-hearted today. I hurt for our children who have been required to grow up way too fast. I hope for our children who have resiliency that I probably have never experienced.  I dream of a day when they can run and play outside with friends without a care in the world.Please join me in honoring these children and their families. Check in on your neighbors and their children. Risk the uncomfortable to do the vulnerable to reach any kids you may know. Our kids need all of us. Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels

The good and the bad about being an essential worker

So you are an essential worker. Some will see you as “lucky” to be able to work. Others may believe it is better if you “just stay home regardless.” You may go back and forth between feeling grateful, happy, anxious, guilty, angry, and scared. Like many things in life, there are both good and bad things that come with being an essential worker. This post is aimed at honoring how you may feel, while also educating others who may not realize the pressures that our essential workers are experiencing. Please know, I want to honor the work each of you is doing. Please comment below if I missed anything!

The good about being an essential worker

You have a job.

As we are in this time of uncertainty, there is something so very reassuring about having a job and knowing a paycheck is coming. Most of us can remain grateful for our jobs, knowing we may have additional stressors if we weren’t essential workers. Financial continuity may give us the space to breathe and ease of mind to sleep just a little bit more restfully at night.Having a job also gives us access to some additional co-workers or adult interaction that we may otherwise be craving. Many non-essential workers are realizing how important the social connections at their job really are. We recognize that although our social distancing at work makes the relationships at work somewhat different, we still appreciate having people around while we are working.

You have a somewhat routine.

Going to work keeps us in some form of routine while we are in this state of quarantine. The routine of our job may provide structure and order during a time that is otherwise way out of our control. And for most of us, that feels better. To feel like we have some sort of control over something in our lives gives us a sense of security and safety. Going to work, driving along the same route you are accustomed to, arriving and checking tasks off of your work to-do list may provide a sense of normalcy.

You get out of the house.

For those social butterflies and extroverts, quarantine (by day 28) can feel like torture. Some of us are simply dying to get out of the house and do something that isn’t just staying at home, binge-watching Netflix and eating ice cream. J Having a place that you have to go outside of the house brings about a change in the mundane. A change in the “same ole, same ole” routine of quarantine. It also gives you a reason to shower and look so much nicer than the rest of us in sweats (not really knowing if our pants will still fit later! J)

You are dedicating your time so the rest of us can have our necessities (and conveniences).

Joking aside, I want to be really sure we spend a moment realizing how truly dedicated you are for going to work so the rest of us can have the things we need/want. Each time I have gone out, I have made an intentional effort to truly thank the people who are working so I can get my groceries, my take-out food, and my toiletries.  Your dedication is not unseen. If you hear nothing else from this post, please, please hear that. We ALL appreciate everything you do to keep our society running. You really are the heroes in the history books during this time.Even if some customers don’t show their appreciation, know that their negativity is probably not about you. Maybe that one person was just downright rude. Again, that is probably not about you. So much anxiety, fear, and worry are swirling around. Even just seeing people in masks and gloves in public evokes strong negative emotions. Please know we see your dedication, even if some others do not.

The bad about being an essential worker

You have a job (while others don’t).

I have not met an essential worker who hasn’t had the added guilt of “others” who don’t have a job. Yes, we are thankful we have a job. But we may also have thoughts like: “Well, others probably need this job more than I do.” “I hope people realize how much I need this job, too.”  “I feel bad that ______ lost their job and I still have mine.” “Maybe I should tell my boss to let someone else have my job…but I really need the income.” “Maybe I shouldn’t be so selfish.” “______ was so crushed that they lost their job. I better never complain about my job and just be grateful all the time.”It is so hard right now to manage the conflicting emotions and thoughts we may be experiencing. Here is a quick tip that may be helpful: if you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, take a moment to physically stop and take a breath. From there, say out loud (yes…out loud! Don’t worry if others are around!) one statement that can be a productive truth for your current negative thought. Here are a couple examples:

• If your unhelpful thought is that “others probably need this job more than I do.” After your physical pause and breath, you might say out loud to yourself, “Although others may need a job, I am also as worthy of having a job. I also need a job. It doesn’t make me better than them, but it also doesn’t undermine my needs either.”
• If your unhelpful thought is “I feel bad that my coworker lost their job.” Again, after your pause and breath, you might say out loud to yourself, “I can be sad for my coworker, but also glad for myself. It is sad that they lost their job, and I can be both sad and happy that I have mine and that still makes me a good person.”

You have a somewhat routine (that is totally different than it used to be).

Yes, you have a routine that is somewhat like what it used to be. But in other ways, it is totally different. Your drive to work may include needing to carry an “official letter” giving you permission to be on the road. Your time at work may be continually interrupted by increased sanitation efforts or anxious questions from customers. The overall aura of your job may be totally different. The absence of the usual hustle-and-bustle may feel like an eerie silence. Seeing everyone wearing masks and gloves may bring about so many fears in you that you were not even aware existed. So yes, you have a routine of getting in your car and driving to the office, but things are anything but routine right now.

You get out of the house (and leave your children at home, potentially expose them to the virus).

This may be the hardest part of being an essential worker. True, essential workers are able to get out of the house. However, our essential workers also carry the weight of the risks associated with leaving the house. Primarily, the fear of bringing home the virus to loved ones who are quarantined at home. This fear may fluctuate between simple worries about germs to overwhelming fear that someone near to them may die. This unseen anxiety may also feel especially hard because it is unseen by others who do not experience it. In other words, other people who don’t leave the house may not realize how heavy those fears really are.While non-essential workers are posting their “kids-are-driving-me-crazy” posts on social media, our essential workers are feeling the empty sadness of leaving kids at home. They are getting misty-eyed after video calls home and having swirling thoughts of “why did I even come to work today?!?” On the other side of that, their kids are also feeling lonely and angry that their parents aren’t able to stay home. All-in-all, the sacrifice of our essential workers and their families cannot be understated.Although technology has made it extraordinarily more convenient to stay connected to our loved ones at home, other ideas for helping with having kids at home may include:

• A tangible connection item that you both keep with you while you are apart. This is ideally something that is small enough to fit in your pocket and the child’s connection item is big enough to fit in their hand. For example: two Lego creations that you make together, or a stuffed bear and the tiny scarf that goes around the bear, or two matching coins. The point here is not that it needs to be a specific tangible thing. The bigger connection here is that when you see that tangible thing, it reminds you of your child – and your child can have the reminder of you.
• A scheduled text message with positive thoughts for your child. This may be particularly important for our older kids. Two or three times while you are away, you can send a quick text that reminds them you are thinking of them, are missing them, and love them.

You are dedicating your time so the rest of us can have our necessities and conveniences (which may bring about anger, frustration, and resentment).

If I imagine being on the front lines as an essential worker, I can think of many situations that would leave me feeling angry and resentful. I can picture stocking shelves with essential items only to be shouted at when certain items aren’t available. I can imagine cooking food at a restaurant for a take-out order when the customer grumpily takes his food that he perceives isn’t hot enough. I can imagine rudeness and irritability from customers all while I was giving up time from my family, risking my own health so other people can have what they need. And THAT is how I get treated?!?If you have found yourself feeling angry, frustrated, or resentful of customers, please don’t give up hope. As I mentioned before, we DO need you. We value you. We appreciate you. Perhaps you could write a little reminder of that on your inner wrist – I am valued – that you glance at from time to time when things become challenging. For that matter, whatever mantra you need that day – write that mantra on your arm as you go out. “I can do hard things.” “I can stay safe.” “I am doing what is right.” “My kids mean the most to me.” “Kindness always prevails.” I hope that as you have read the good and the bad for our essential workers, you may find connection and normalcy in those feelings. If you are a non-essential worker, I hope you will also find additional empathy and creative ways to show that others matter during this time. 

How are you finding hope as an essential worker?

How can you show how valued our essential workers are more intentionally?

A message to our high school seniors – It really isn’t fair.

Dear 12^th grader,I know these last few weeks have not been what you thought they would be. You had all of these plans. You have worked so hard to get here. Your dreams feel like they are slipping away.It’s just not fair.You worked over and over and over to get good grades. To be a good student. To have your teachers believe in you. You read textbooks and books that you weren’t interested in. You did math problems that seemed so silly at the time. You pulled your grades up to get to the finish line. To graduate. And now… we won’t even get to celebrate at graduation?! That’s not fair.You dreamed of going to prom with just the right person. You imagined how you would be dressed. The place you would go before prom started. You thought through how annoying your parents would be – taking all the pictures in your front yard or driveway. You dreamed of how prom would go – with your friends all dressed up. The music. The decorations. And the fun of after-prom. The memories you would make. You earned your right to be here as a senior. And now… we can’t be in groups bigger than 10 people?! That’s not fair.You practiced and practiced to have the most amazing senior-year season. You worked out, you got stronger physically and mentally. You spent so many hours in the gym or on the field. You built up your confidence to be great this year. You dreamed of how you would look in your uniform as you crossed the finish line, home plate, the final round of golf. You just knew this was going to be your year. It all came down to this last year together with your teammates. Those people were going to be the most amazing teammates. And this year’s team had so much talent. We were going to be amazing. And now… the whole seasons has been cancelled?!  That’s not fair.You have been working on this artistic piece for what seems like forever. You were selected for the solo on a piece that was among the most beautiful you have ever heard and seen. You were so excited! You have been practicing and working on it daily. You couldn’t believe how much you have grown into being a real artist. You remember all of the advice your teacher gave you. You made changes and adjustments to the piece until you really felt like it was almost perfect. And now… the showcase has been cancelled?! That’s not fair.You developed so many friendships in the last four years. The fights and the make-ups, the back-stabbing and the true friendships. The people who you knew were your “ride or die.” For as long as you can remember, your parents were pushing you to have friends. To be a good friend. To hang out with your friends. To stay out of trouble with those friends. And now… your parents say you can’t even see them?! That’s not fair.And then there were those friendships that turned into something more. That girl who made you realize why you need to shower. The guy who believed your body was really attractive. That person who believed in you and accepted you and really liked you. And you liked them back. That person gave you thoughts of something exciting for the future. And now…we can’t even be within 6 feet of anyone?! That’s not fair.There are so many things that aren’t fair about this whole situation. So many things that just seem straight stupid. You can’t really imagine that something bad would happen if you just went over to hang out with your friends. It would just be a couple hours. You could just wash your hands. It isn’t that big a deal. Why does social distancing have to exist anyway?! That’s not fair.And what about just going out to the store? Why did all the stores have to close? What are you supposed to do now? Sit at home and just zoom with everyone? It’s definitely not the same as seeing them in person. That’s not fair.And your parents. Sometimes you think they just don’t get it. They are really trying to keep you going in a positive direction, but you just really don’t think they get it. You wish they would do something to fix it. You know they can’t, but still just wish they could. That’s just not fair. My dear senior. I see you. I know how unfair this time is. I know how it feels like no one really understands how hard this time is for you. How sad it feels sometimes. How hard it feels sometimes. How boring life feels sometimes. How you go from super sad, to angry, to just plain “over it.”

I want you to know that we are ALL cheering for you. We are HOPING for you. We can’t imagine how hard this time is for you. Truly, we wish things could be different.

We will miss seeing you walk across the stage in your cap and gown. We are grieving the loss of taking all of those prom pictures with you. We were so, so sad to be missing this athletic season with you. We wish we could have seen you shine on stage as an amazing artist. We miss seeing you laugh and goof-off with your friends. Oh how we long for the rumble and laughter of you and your friends in our house!Dear senior, we are in this together. When you feel alone, please reach out. You are not meant to be alone. Social distancing does not mean social isolation. We love you. We are praying for you. We know you are hurting.We are here for you.We are ALL here for you.Let's be creative together to make up what you are missing. Let's explore together, the ways you might feel more hopeful. Let's chat more about how you are feeling and ways to help you feel better. Let's try new hobbies or habits that will help you grow in new ways.We know there is sunshine on the other side of this. We hold on to hope for your amazing future ahead. We know we will get there. We just have to make it through the unfairness of now. We know we will, but sometimes it’s okay to just feel like it just isn’t fair. Photo by Daniel Nieto from Pexels

What to expect as social distancing continues

As we recently received news that social distancing will continue for another month, I thought I would share some ideas for you to consider as we are entering another month of social distancing with our kids. I recently made a post about why COVID-19 is especially hard for us now. I do not want to sound negative, but I do want to share what I have seen from kids in my clinical practice over the years - in situations that I believe psychologically parallel our current situation.  And if you haven't had a chance to talk to your kids yet about coronavirus, feel free to check out my other blog (and video) post about it as well.So here's the thing about where we are currently. I like to consider our current situation to be similar to a running race. Imagine you have signed up for a race (like a 5K or 10K or something).  And you are running along. Maybe halfway through. Maybe further. What you begin to notice is that there is NO END line.  After running for minutes or hours, you stop and realize there is no finish line.Can you imagine that feeling? Perhaps you feel defeated? exhausted? angry? confused? perhaps a lack of motivation to keep running? maybe hopeless or "what's the use?" sort of feeling?The lack of certainty around the re-opening of things during the current pandemic is sorta like this for our kids (and even us). We are in this race with no certain finish line. Even if the finish line were far away, it would be easier to know how to pace ourselves - more so than the uncertainty of the current situation. And so, our kids are likely to be experiencing similar emotions to those you may have imagined for yourself above.

Emotional states to watch for

I have seen kids respond to situations where there isn't clarity for a "way out" in three predominant ways.

1. Apathy (an "I don't really care" attitude) and/or lack of motivation. For anything.
2. Anger and irritability. In somewhat unpredictable ways. Almost like... they are okay one minute and then sorta grumpy the next.
3. Hopelessness. This is deeper than apathy. This may be more like "what's the use?" or "who cares about anything anyway" sort of attitude. And although I don't want to scare anyone, this may also lead to increased thoughts of death, dying, or suicide.

You see, we aren't great at continuing down a path that may feel hard or uncomfortable - unless we know there is something good at the end of it. So for our kids, and especially our teens, who have had lots of important (to them) things being cancelled, they may not see a whole lot of good at the end of this. What is all of this social distancing for? What will be the prize at the end?  In short, our kids may experience increase emotional states because it is hard and uncomfortable and they aren't able to see the good at the end of it.  Please hear me. I am NOT saying social distancing isn't bringing good to our world, our health, and our community.  What I am saying, is that YOUR CHILD may not be able to see it that way - because their brains are not developed enough to see it that way.

What do we do?

So if we see our kids start to struggle a little bit more - behaviorally and/or emotionally - as we are continuing in this "race" toward a finish line in the "somewhere future", here are a few things you can consider.

1. Be a model of how you want them to stay motivated. If you notice they are sleeping in later, ask yourself....am I sleeping in later? It's not a problem that you are! Instead - consider allowing your teen to sleep a little later, too. Mostly, I'm suggesting we take a look within ourselves to see what behaviors we are modeling for our kids - that may either be helping or not helping them stay motivated.
2. Talk about anger - during times when they aren't angry. You have probably heard me talk about something like this a lot. But the truth is, our kids are excellent at sharing if we give them the space and listening ears. Ask them to share what they are mad about. What is the worst part of this? Have them draw a picture or write in a boomerang book (that you share back and forth with one another each day). Feel free to chat about any emotion! The idea here is to practice talking about things while your child is calm so he/she can more clearly articulate his/her feelings.
3. You may not want to read this, but watch for signs of suicide. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has a list of warning signs and Cincinnati Children's also has a list for teens specifically. One of the biggest myths around suicide is that talking about it will "prompt" the child to do it. This just simply isn't true - and often one of the biggest warning signs is when a child talks about wanting to die or kill him/herself. Seek help through a crisis line like 1-800-273-TALK or if you believe your child may be in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the ER.
4. Stay present, stay active, stay engaged.  In the world where numbing out is so easy to do, this recommendation for "what do we do?" is among the most important. Resist the temptation to check social media. Resist the urge to turn on that series. Not all day, everyday, obviously! BUT... we will likely never get this much time with our kids again. Find YOUR way to be present, stay active and stay engaged.

What's your way?? Photo by Jeffrey Czum from Pexels

3 reasons the coronavirus feels especially hard right now

As I have been in meetings with different folks about mental wellness during this unprecedented time in our history, I have heard and felt similar things that make this pandemic especially hard. I thought I would share them here in case anyone else was feeling particularly down today. Know that you are not alone.

1. We are not used to feeling so many emotions at once, for such a long period of time.

Most of us are experiencing a wide range of emotions on a daily basis, from fear to anger, sadness to anxiety and so many more! All at once, sometimes overwhelmingly so. And many of us also have experienced the weight of these emotions for days and weeks on end to this point. In short, many of us are in deep emotions more frequently now than ever before.This is hard because emotional awareness and expression are both skills that take practice. As we are overwhelmed, we might be feeling many things at once and the burden of those emotions are making us feel tired (both physically and emotionally).Take a breath. Seriously. Like right now, take a deep breath. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Close your eyes for a moment and just listen to your breath for a few breaths in and out. This simple breathing technique can help keep you grounded and mindful - especially during intense emotional moments. Beyond that - realize that it's okay to experience lots of emotions at once. Emotions won't actually physically hurt us. We don't have to be afraid of them. But we do have to honor them. So for a moment, take time to sit in how you are feeling. Write it down. Shout it out. Share it with a friend via text, phone or video message.

2. Most of us feel uncomfortable with having to repeatedly say, "I don't know."

Almost all of us like to feel like we are in control of things happening in our current situation. Even if you aren't a "control freak," you like to feel like things are in order and make sense. Right now, there are so many uncertainties. How long will this last? Will my family get sick? Will we be able to go back to work soon? Will things get better soon? Will the kids go back to school? On and on and on. Time and again, I have heard of the "uncertainty" and "unpredictability" as being "the hardest part." And the truth is, we simply do not know.If you find yourself becoming irritable or anxious with not having answers to the millionth question from your kid that you have to say, "I don't know" to, come back to that same breathing exercise. Don't allow the anxiety of not knowing take over. Simply say, "You know bud, I don't know. And there are lots of things we don't know right now. But what I do know is....(fill in the blank for what you DO know right now...)  I like being home with you right now." or "I love to be able to play with you today." or "I love that we are getting to each lunch together."  It doesn't need to be profound, it just needs to be honest about something tangible for your kid to see.

3. There is nothing to fix.

We are hurting, our people are hurting, and there is nothing to fix. At least not anything that will make everyone happy. Most of us like to fix things when people we love need help. That's just the truth. And when there is nothing to fix, it can leave us feeling hopeless and helpless. If you have felt like there is no hope, let me encourage you with a few amazing ways this pandemic has impacted my community and family. And I would WELCOME the ways YOU have seen positive around you.

• The most amazing teacher parades happening
• Using technology to keep kids connected to their teachers AND peers
• Finding creative ways to get outside everyday - even in the rain!
• Community leaders coming TOGETHER for the good of everyone
• Loving words on the sidewalk in chalk
• Video message, after video message, after video message of people we love connecting with us
• Human kindness for our front line workers who are truly heroes
• Courage from individuals who step out to help others in need
• FEEDING more than 40,000 people. Like literally feeding the community. Bravo!
• And so so many more.

What are you seeing?? Comment or share!

Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

Short video on How to talk with your kids about COVID-19

Looking for some tips on how to talk about COVID-19 and answer their questions? Look no further!Give this short video a look and be sure to Follow us on Facebook for even more updates @ https://www.facebook.com/MWMwithKids/

Click HERE to watch the video!

The emotional and psychological impact of the empty shelves

This morning, I woke up early to head out to the grocery to grab a few things we were running low on around the house. I had a relatively short list of items - flour, ground turkey, rice, laundry detergent, and noodles. I hadn't been to the store in about 8 or 9 days - and the last time I went out, the shelves were still stocked fairly well (with the exception of the TP and soap sections).  I saw the Facebook posts of friends who were strolling the isles of empty shelves, but didn't experience it personally. Until this morning.

Empty shelves immediately prompt fear, anxiety, and scarcity mentality

As I perused isles of empty shelves, I found my anxious thoughts growing. "What if we don't have enough protein?" "How much longer before they get more chicken?" "What will my kids eat if they don't get more in stock?"And as my anxious thoughts continued to spin, I found my stomach beginning to churn with fear and anxiety.After a few minutes, I stopped and looked in my cart. I shifted my focus away from what I didn't have to what I DID have. I found soap and ice cream. :)  I got rice and canned vegetables. I found grapes. I got taco seasoning to make tacos with the ground turkey I bought last week.  As I shifted my focus, I found my anxiety lessening.I found a couple other things that we needed and then came home. Realizing as I unloaded all the groceries, that I got WAY more than my anxiety told me I did.  And it struck me that I hadn't experienced fear or anxiety because I hadn't left the house in 8 or 9 days to go to the store.

And it hit me... staying at home is not just for our physical health, but for our emotional and psychological health, too! Staying home protects us physically, but also mentally and emotionally, too.

Anxiety breeds on fear-based thoughts. In our current situation, I truly believe the saying "ignorance is bliss" fits perfectly. If I hadn't seen and experienced the empty shelves for myself, I wouldn't have been feeling worried or anxious this morning. And if I am being honest, I wouldn't have been irritable for the next hour as my anxiety was working its way back down.

So what do we do?

Stay home if you can. Period. That's all. :)  Get out of the house and walk around your neighborhood, but otherwise, stay close to home.Be creative with what you have in your pantry already. My friend, Laura Brandt, and I were texting this morning as we were both grocery shopping and she mentioned it feeling a bit like being on the show, Chopped. And I thought... well, let's just go with that! Kids would LOVE if you pretended you were on the show, Chopped!  Pick a few random things from your pantry and fridge and go at it!Stay focused on gratitude for what we have.I cannot understate how helpful this was for me this morning, and always when I recommend this to clients and parents. Focus on what you have currently. Model this gratitude for your kids as they ask why they can't go places. Engage with family and friends through technology to spread gratitude with others. Write a gratitude note on the fridge each day. Ask your kids what they are thankful for as we continue to be social distancing.

How are YOU finding peace and happiness amidst all of these changes?? Please share so we all can grab some new ideas!

Talking with kids during uncertain times - like COVID-19

As we continue to grapple with the seemingly unending changes, we are continuing to find resources for sharing these changes with our kids. I have come up with an acronym (PRESS) to help us remember how to talk with our kids about hard things - like the coronavirus (or any other hard/emotional topic for that matter - sex, loss, death, divorce, etc.). PRESS in (or lean in) to the conversation!

P - PREPARE.

Ahead of time, before talking with kids, prepare for the conversation - like you would any other “presentation” at work.  Know the facts. Don’t guess. Don’t hypothesize. Don’t tell them what you “have heard.” Only gather information from credible websites – like CDC or NIH. And be prepared to answer their question with “I don’t know.”

R – REFLECT.

Take a moment, or day, to reflect on your specific child. What do they NEED to know? Some kids need less, or no information at all, about coronavirus. Others may need more information to ease their anxiety. The point here is to reflect on what will help each of your specific children the most. And know that sometimes that means only talking about staying home together instead of going to school. Also, take a minute to think about a time when you can incorporate this discussion into everyday conversation. This should be a conversation that doesn’t feel like a big, "sit-down". Reflect on ways to thread the next three steps into everyday conversations to keep it low-key, not to evoke unnecessary worry.

E – EXPLORE.

This part is really the first step in actually talking to them. Before you share what you have prepared and reflected on, explore what they currently know. This will help you correct misinformation and expand what they currently know. Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you know about coronavirus?” or “What have you heard about…” or “What are you curious about related to ….” – notice, I did not mention any phrases like, “What are you scared about?” or “What are you worried about?”   Unless they are currently experiencing those emotions, we don’t want to suggest those emotions during this conversation. Basically, if we ask the question that way, we are suggested to them that they have something they should be scared of. And we certainly don't want to do that.

S – SHARE.

This is when you share what you know. “Here’s what I know...” Or “Here’s what I have found…” Remember, only share what you know is necessary for your child. Answer their questions honestly and concisely.  If you aren’t sure how much to share with your specific child, as a friend who knows your child well, how much they think you should share.

S – ReaSSURE.

This part is really important. After talking about it, immediately reassure them that they are safe and secure. That they are okay and ways to continue to stay healthy. Beyond just the immediate conversation, remember to reassure them daily.

Talking about Coronavirus with kids - Disappointments and cancellations

We have all been experiencing the disappointment, frustration, sadness, confusion.... about missing out on our favorite things right now. They have cancelled our favorite classes, our favorite activities, closed our favorite restaurants and local gyms. In one way or another, all of us have felt the loss of something during this time.I have been interviewed by several media outlets and asked by parents - "How do I help my child cope with all of this?"So here's a few tips related to the emotions around the disappointments and cancellations.

Try NOT to "put it in perspective" right away.  Instead, use empathetic listening.

As our kids are describing their sadness, disappointment or anger, try NOT to just right to the "it's way worse somewhere else" speech. That will not be helpful right now.  Here's the thing. When our kids come to us feeling disappointed or sad about missing something, that is a fair emotion for them to be feeling in that moment. Aren't we all a little sad about something going on right now? Imagine if you came to your spouse or friend and say, "I'm sad about...." and they responded with... "Well there are other people who have it worse than you!" UGH. That feels gross.Unfortunately, I have heard a lot of this in my therapy office and I am tempted to do this with my own kids from time to time. As they are "whining" about something they missed, I am tempted to think "sheesh...don't be so dramatic." - But as I pause and get re-focused on what they are saying, using empathetic listening is always a good go-to. This article shares a definition of empathetic listening "requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!).” This joining is so important to our kids. Especially now when they are out of their routine, missing social connections with friends, and experiencing boredom frequently.

Share and model your sadness, disappointment

Another tip is to share your own feelings about missing things, too. It is fair for our kids to see and hear us being somewhat emotional about missing things as well. Yesterday, my 10-year-old asked me, "Mommy, which do you prefer... being here with us and not going to work, or going to work and not being here with us." My answer was that there are many advantages to both parts of that. I love my work and my job. I value the work I get to do everyday. But I have longed for more time with them while they are little. And so I shared that I was a little sad about missing things they would otherwise be doing at school. And I miss my friends at work and being able to freely go to places without second thoughts about germs and viruses.Sharing some of our sadness lets them know it is okay for them to be sad, too.

Final tip: sharing your feelings

Fear and anxiety are different than sadness and disappointment. I encourage you not to engage them in what YOU are worried about, what you are fearful of. This will be too hard for most of our kids to manage. They will hear your fear and it will become anxiety for them. Our kids have enough going on, they don't need our anxiety on top of it. Instead, manage your own anxiety by reaching out to friends, or self-care strategies. Keeping kids (and yourself) engaged in activities that are healthful - exercise, getting outside, crafts, etc - will keep more and more fear away and peace within.  photo cred pixabay

Talking about COVID-19 with Kids.

As the world is reacting and coming together in response to the recent changes to our everyday lives, I have been contacted a few times to share thoughts on how to best talk with our kids about what is happening. So here are a few tips as you enter into tough conversations about the coronavirus.What you should know.

1. Do NOT talk about people dying from coronavirus with your kids. Let me say that again. Do NOT tell them people are dying. Stick with me here. I'm not saying we lie to them. But I am saying there are a few good reasons to just keep this from them if possible.
   • Their anxiety shoots through the roof if you tell them there is a risk of death. And although the risk is present for elderly and those with a compromised immune system - the risk is actually VERY low for children.  In fact, when I was researching, I found numerous credible sites that said there have been less than 1% of the deaths be children.
   • Stay focused on messages of safety and security. They really are at a very low risk of getting fatally sick. Keep in mind... Unless you constantly remind them of the risks of riding in a car, breaking their leg at the playground, getting struck by lightning... just keep the coronavirus death toll an adult-only topic as well. :)  (PS - DO not talk to them about the risks of getting into a car accident!)
   • IF they ask, you can tell them the facts. PLEASE review CDC's website for the FACTS about people dying. For example, if they say, "Could you die from it?" - You could say, "There have been some people who have passed away from this. BUT those people have been mostly individuals who are very old.  Most people who are healthy and young who get this sickness just have to take several days of rest and keep washing their hands to get well again." Remember to end your statements with messages of safety and security.
   • When they hear people are dying, their anxiety goes up - which causes them to KEEP asking more and more questions about it. Which then... causes US, as parents, to feel more anxious and irritated and fearful. Again, I am not saying we lie to them, but I am saying we don't have to tell our kids everything. Particularly kids under the age of 8 or 9 who honestly may not even have the capacity to understand it all anyway.
   • Limit their viewing of news outlets or other forms of media that describe the ongoing situation. Instead, YOU be a good consumer of the information. Know the facts. Investigate the facts. Then share if the time/situation arises and seems appropriate. If kids watch the news and hear one thing that scares them - they are likely to take it out of context or misunderstand the full meaning.
2. Kids operate better when there is structure. This comes through routines and clear expectations. The RAPID changes they have been experiencing with school closures, work closures, etc. MAY be uprooting their sense of security. Basically, when the routine is off, their sense of safety is off.
   • So what will this look like in your child?  It may look like irritability, anger, sadness, crying, problems sleeping, restlessness, moodiness, neediness, fear, anxiety, depression, changes in appetite and/or bids for constant reassurance. If your child is experiencing these things - and it seems out of the ordinary for them, having a conversation with them may help (see below for tips!).
   • Since we know they need structure, it is our job to try to find a new normal as quickly as possible. With most school districts around us moving to e-learning, it would be good for you to try to get a new "e-learning routine" going. Routines create consistency which decreases anxiety in our kids. Get creative by web-searching "printable routines for kids" to create a new VISUAL schedule for them (and you!). Share the importance of staying on track with them as you show them their new routine.
3. The CDC has a pretty good list of suggestions for things to keep in mind about anxiety with kids during disasters/emergencies. Here are a few scripts you could use to get the conversations started, keep it going, and manage their questions.
   • "Hey Mason, what have you heard about the coronavirus?"  - Or any question that is an open-ended question about what they currently know. This will give you a place to start, and a way to clarify any misinformation. And trust me... there is LOTS of misinformation out there.
   • "Hey. I know there are a lot of changes happening. How are you feeling about everything that has changed?" - Again, this is an open-ended question to help them see that we know things are changing and we are checking in with them about it. This may also be a good time to share your feelings. "You know something...I have been feeling a little uneasy about everything, too. I am not sure how things will go these next few weeks and I tend to get a little nervous when things seem unknown or out of my control. Have you felt any of that?"
   • If your child is younger, "Hey Amelia. Next week, you get to stay home to do school at home with us! :)  There has been some sickness going around and teachers/staff wanted to make sure everyone stays healthy. So we are going to stay home and make it like an adventure."
   • If they ask about what it is, is it dangerous, should we be afraid, etc. If you do nothing else... SHARE MESSAGES OF SAFETY AND SECURITY. "You are safe here as long as we keep washing our hands, getting good sleep, and eating healthy."  "Your friends are safe." "Grandma and grandpa are safe. They are just hanging out at home."
   • Use technology - like FaceTime or WhatsApp to keep in contact with people. We love using FaceTime or WhatsApp to connect with family and friends who live both near and far. Set a play date and let the kids walk around with your phone while they "play" and show off their creations.

We have already seen how people can come together to make this outcome something that is good for all of us. Allow your kids to just be kids through this. Be excited they have some time home from school. Be creative about using the upcoming staycation (quarantine) for something fun or adventurous. The short story, even in the midst of outer chaos, we can be the calm amidst the storm for them. 

Losing well

I do mental health consultation in schools from time to time. I once heard about a school that was so fed up with playground shenanigans that they banned playing any games where there was a winner or loser. So kids couldn’t play any games, formally or informally, where a winner and loser would be the outcome.Listen. I get the idea behind this. Kids, especially elementary-aged, can be competitive. Often tattle. And sometimes can be sensitive to losing. I get all of that and how hard it is to manage the constant report from kids about the unfairness of one thing or another on the playground. But never giving kids an opportunity to lose well is not the answer. Kids need to realize how it feels to be great, but also how to let other people be great. None of us likes to lose. But we only know the joy of winning because we have experienced the disappointment of defeat. The sooner we can teach our kids how to lose well, the better they will be at just about everything they do! 

Tips for losing well

1. Focus on their effort, not their performance. Did they work hard? Did they have fun? Did they grow in any way? Then YAY!
2. Tell them you are proud of them. No matter their performance or the outcome, share your pride in them. After all, they did get out there and try! 
3. If they are angry, give them a moment. They are allowed to be upset after a loss. But they aren’t allowed to scream, kick, throw, etc. Set clear limits if your child is acting out physically - and then later have a deep discussion about being a positive influence to others after a game. If they are just pouting and sad, give them a minute. Then cheer them up and continue the discussion!
4. Help them see the joy of others. Spend a few minutes after the game talking about how sometimes it stinks when others win, but it can also be fun to be happy for other people. 
5. Find one positive thing - if they are really struggling. Have them tell you at least one thing that went well. If they can’t right away, come back to it later. Don’t let them get out of it, even if it is the next day!
6. Model losing well yourself. Sometimes WE have a hard time losing well. Remember that our kids are always watching us for how they should respond.

If they are really terrible at losing - practice!

Sometimes our kids need to practice losing. You can set up a situation at home when you tell them… “I want to practice something with you. It might be frustrating, but I want you to see how to better control your body when you lose.” Proceed to play a game, or race of some sort, that you can first model losing well (i.e., congratulate him/her on working hard and winning), and then purposefully win the next time so you can walk them through how to lose well. Prompt them to say specific things. Have them take a deep breath. And repeat the process as many times as it takes for them to generalize this to a real game with their peers.AND… if you ever see them losing well -- Praise, praise, praise.  photo cred Pixabay