Kids are resilient.

Kids are resilient.As a child psychologist, one of the most frequent things I say to parents is “Kids are resilient.” Over and over, I remind parents that children move on quickly, bounce back from struggle, and adjust to change. In most cases, much more quickly that we do as adults.As parents, I think we often fret about getting every single decision right. We over-emphasize some things and under-emphasize others. “Should she be allowed to skip the music recital if she doesn’t want to go?”  “I know he lied about forgetting his homework…should I punish him?”  “He said halfway through the season that he doesn’t want to do it anymore…should I force him even if he has anxiety about it?”

We worry that one miss-step will lead to our kids…

• …getting into “big trouble.”
• …being made fun of.
• …missing something.
• …ending up in prison.
• …becoming a pathological liar.

All parents want their children to grow up to be well-adjusted, happy people. And each decision we make as parents make us feel like we have this huge pressure to get it all right.But guess what?Kids are resilient. While we don’t want to mess EVERY decision up, most of the things that we, as parents, become really anxious about really don’t matter that much to kids. More often, it is OUR fear of looking bad to others that messes us up. 

“Should she be allowed to skip the music recital if she doesn’t want to go?”

MAYBE. In the big picture, how important is the recital? Will she fail the class? Will it “look bad” if she isn’t there? Who does it matter more to, you or her?Many of you will allow your anxiety to catapult you to the thought of… “Well, if I let her skip this one, I am giving in and she will want to skip all of them.” (Or some other possible outcome in the future… “She will turn into a slacker” or “She never wants to do anything, she is going to turn into a hermit.” I know this is what happens, because I have heard it time and again from parents I have worked with. We take these isolated incidences with our kids and allow anxiety to convince us that this ONE decision will turn them into horrible people.Guess what?It won’t. Because kids are resilient.Allowing her to have her voice heard and ‘skip’ the recital may HELP her feel understood by you. Giving her the freedom to have control of this situation may allow her to use her voice later in life as well. Think about it. Sure…she may ask to skip the next school function if you let her skip this one. And when that day comes, you may make a different decision as a parent. And guess what? She will adjust to THAT decision when it comes.Because kids are resilient.They adjust. They move on. 

“I know he lied about forgetting his homework…should I punish him?”

PROBABLY…but maybe not HARSHLY. First, we have to look at the big picture again. Does he have a history of lying? Are you setting him up to lie? Is he at an age when lying is an age-appropriate behavior (even if it is still ‘wrong’)?Depending on the age, lying is a developmentally appropriate behavior. Kids learn to lie because it is a developmental milestone. If you meet someone who tells you they have never told a lie, tell them they are lying!We all lie. Big lies and small lies.It doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just makes it reality. And when we punish our kids for something that is developmentally where they are, it can have more negative consequences than positive ones.I know I am not making friends when I say some parents, myself included, set kids up to WANT to lie. Consider this. For most kids, getting into trouble is not a positive experience. Most kids want to avoid getting into trouble. Don’t you?!?  I know I don’t love being in trouble.So the real question is…are you creating a culture of absolute acceptance? A relationship with them that is built on them KNOWING that no matter what they do or say, you will not shame them, make them feel bad, or hurt them (physically or emotionally).Do you start your questioning of them with “Is there anything you want to tell me??” or “Did you REALLY forget your homework AGAIN?!?”Stop to think about it. If your boss asked you these questions, in these ways, what is the likelihood that you will WANT to lie? For most people, it would be a high likelihood for dishonesty. Because the manner in which the questions are asked already suggests the child is in trouble.Instead, consider building a culture and relationship of absolute acceptance. Start with: “I talked to your teacher today and she said that you forgot your homework again. Tell me what happened.”Do you notice the difference??Aren’t you much more likely to get an honest response if you ask this way??Don’t try to ‘catch them’ in a lie. Trust me, you will catch them almost every time. But is that really what you want? For most people, we don’t want to catch them in a lie. We want to know the truth.So if you really want the truth, try asking for the truth in a way that is more likely to elicit it from your kids.Have you struggled with trying to ‘catch them’ in the past?Don’t worry…kids are resilient! 

“He said halfway through the season that he doesn’t want to do it anymore…should I force him even if he has anxiety about it?”

MAYBE. Go back to the first example because much of the responses would be similar. Even if he has anxiety about it now, it doesn’t mean he will need prescription medication for eternity. Don’t allow every decision to turn YOU into an anxious mess.And remember…kids are resilient!

Resolutions –> No. Traditions –> Yes.

Resolutions –> No.       Traditions –> Yes.As we start another new year, it is common for us to think about new changes. It’s strange how the new year catapults us to consider so many new things. However, most of us aren’t great at keeping up with our resolutions. I love that we want to be better, but it is often challenging to maintain any new habit – particularly since many of us shoot for the stars with multiple new changes as resolutions.Instead, this year, what if you focused away from resolutions and onto something else?I recently attended the funeral of my great aunt. She was the last of her generation to pass away, which left many of us reflecting on her legacy and that of her siblings. I created a short list of what her generation taught me and what I remembered most about her. I found myself continuing to come back to those traditions I had with my grandfather and great aunts. I remembered how we had huge family gatherings at the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving. I remembered how my grandfather would always sing Italian music while dancing around our small, family-owned restaurant. I remembered how food, laughter, and loudness would always permeate our best family discussions.And I began wondering how my children might remember me. Perhaps this isn’t a thought you have had yet. But I know it is one that will be important to most of us at some point. Perhaps we focus on that this year instead of resolutions?I believe creating a legacy involves two things. First, making words matter for good. And second, creating traditions your children will remember for a lifetime.

Making words matter… for good.

My philosophy is to use effective communication strategies with my kids so they can clearly understand our expectations, but also know how to communicate themselves later in life. This means making sure each word we speak has a purpose, and that we speak words that have purpose – for good. Our words have the power to heal, care, love, uplift, encourage, support, and compliment. Our words also have the power to hurt, demean, belittle, argue, and hate. I am certain all of us have heard about the power of words. But so frequently, I witness adults around me using words in ways that are not “for good.” In fact, each day, I catch myself reflecting on some of my own word choices. Consider something someone said to you that was hurtful? Have you ever had someone say something that made you feel belittled?  I am guessing it is not hard for you to remember those times. It’s unfortunate how we can so quickly remember the negative words of others.So how will you use your words today?Consider taking on the challenge of making sure your words are always used for healing. Find ways to use words that are caring and loving. When you see your child or spouse, use words that are uplifting and encouraging. Remember how it felt when someone supported and complimented you? What would it be like if you focused on only used words that made others feel that way?Once and for all (the other way of interpreting “for good” in making words matter for good), could we make words matter in a way that makes others feel those positive things? And perhaps we all live more closely to the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, say nothing at all.”Again I ask, how will you use your words?

Creating traditions your children will remember for a lifetime.

I love traditions. Now that I am an adult, it is those traditions that I remember most about my childhood.

• I remember how every Saturday, my mother would work (she was a stay-at-home-mom throughout the week) and that left dad in charge. That meant Jiffy blueberry pancakes for breakfast, and beans and weenies (with A1 sauce) for lunch. Every Saturday.
• I remember how every year on Christmas Eve morning, my mother would pack up trays of cookies to be delivered in-person to all of our neighbors.
• I remember how my mother would play Christmas music early in the morning while she cooked breakfast around the holiday.
• I remember how my grandmother would have a giant bowl of Jujubes candy in her room and when we would visit, she would be sure to give us a hand full!

Of course, I remember family vacations and other meaningful moments from childhood. But it is the simple traditions that really stand out for me when someone asks about my family.According to Merriam-Webster, tradition is defined as “the handing down of information, beliefs, or customs from one generation to another.” How will you “hand down” your beliefs to your children? My children and I now deliver handmade pizzas to our neighbors on Christmas Eve morning. We have pancakes for breakfast. I love Christmas music. While all of these examples seem simple, and even corny, this is precisely what traditions are. If you think about what your parents “always did”, I bet you will find ways that you also do some of those things. Perhaps it is time to be sure we are purposeful with how we behave so we can have intentional traditions for our kids. What traditions do you have for your family? Are there other ideas that you would like to incorporate? Create a plan to do that this year!I believe we create a legacy by planting seeds everyday by using words for good. Those words build our children into the grown-ups we want them to be. Then the traditions are how they understand how to live their lives, that carry out the family’s beliefs and customs to the next generation.

Instead of resolutions, how about new (or continued) traditions?